A Tour Guide Named Stress

SO, the best that I can say for this past week is that if I so choose, I can come away having learned a couple somethings.

At surface level, Last. Week. Sucked. Like a giant emotional stressful exhausting defecating traumatic Black Hole. basically. It was a guided tour of a series of unfortunate events with a tour guide named Stress. There was the whole Boxer shenanigans, and questioning my performance abilities, and whether or not I'll ever actually accomplish my dreams, and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority and all that nonsense. Well that wasn't fun. But I came out of it bolstered and determined, and all sorts of ready for Dream Auditions. Now, Dream-- that's a show I can do. besides the fact that elements of the characters were based on me, I'm simply in my element with that sort of a script and style of show. I was ready. And PERFECT for the show. I could have done any of those parts. the girl parts, that is. Though, give me a chance and I'd have done the male parts, too. Not that the director would. Give me a chance? In hindsight, I don't think he ever meant to. He told me to take a look at Ashley. So I did. not my first choice, but if you see me as an Ashley, then sure. I'll give it a shot. I see me as Cheyenne. Apparently he sees Cheyenne a bit taller. That's fine. Stupid, but fine. you do what you want. At least he still let em read for Cheyenne. Now Allison, the beatnik.. I can do that. I can do that so hardcore, you don't even know. You don't have the slightest comprehension of what I can do. But "you don't see it"-- so you won't let me try. You won't even try to stretch your imagination. Not that I was asking that much. I simply hoped you might drop your preconceived notions of me, be professional, and give me a chance. But that's fine. Hey, it's your show. You can do what you want with it. If you want me to read for Ashley, I'll read for Ashley. You won't consider me for anything but what you can picture me already in your own small mind? Alright whatever. You're gonna pass me over for that part too, in favor of your new love interest? NOT alright whatever. It's not okay. To be perfectly honest, that hurt. Alot. She might be good, and I don't begrudge her the chance... but you and I both know there was no one there better for this show than me. If you'd give me a chance. If only.

This is what I'm wrestling with. I feel like I failed again.. I did my best at an audition, and didn't get cast. In fact, I didn't even get the second chance I was hoping for to prove to Jon that I could do more than just Ashley because he canceled callbacks. didn't see the point, since he already had his cast picked. Let me clue you in Jon: the purpose of callbacks is to gain perspective on the spectrum of talent that you have to work with, and to see what an actor looks like on more than just one occasion. But whatever. It only hurts so much because this time, I KNOW that I'm good enough. I would have blown them away if Jon would have just opened his eyes to see anything more than the picture of me he's already had in his head. It's said that my respect for him as a director was finished before it began. I find it more sad that yet again my hopes of getting back onstage, proving to myself that I can, in fact, act, have been dashed-- not because of how I did, but because of who I am. Basically? not fair. It hurts.

So that's my pain. the rest of the weekend, I mean stuff happened and all... it was all pretty much tainted though. Thank God for good friends who kept me sane through all of this. And thank God for His mercy, which I now have the.. opportunity.. to extend to someone else. God help me to forgive and let go. I've dealt with it now and admitted that I was hurt and acknowledged that it doesn't matter if I'm right or anyone else for that matter, my only course of action at this point is to pray, give it over to God, forgive Jon, bless him and his production (that part was hard. I always hear about that being hard and I'm like "it's not that hard, just do it" because its really never been hard for me before, but this was hard. I really wanted nothing more than to say "every one of those girl actors better be nothing short of phenomenal. or I'm gonna be PISSED. and at the same time, I hope they're not so Jon can spend the next month of his life lamenting the fact that he didn't cast me!!" but I didn't. promise.) and praise God. This is me, moving' on. And I've found that when I get bogged down again and it starts to hurt again and I want to be mad again.. the best way to get past that and let it go and get over it and keep moving n and not lose my progress, is to praise God. so I mean... I'm getting somewhere. I'm making progress. We're doing this. Phew.

It's a new week. It's a new month. It's a new day. And I got to watch the sunrise this morning :)

<3