so.. I just learned a pretty huge lesson, about complaining. And as far as God's plan for your life, complaining is maybe the biggest thing you can do completely kill that.
So last night was rough. I felt very lonely, very left out, and very purposeless. What have I been accomplishing, being so far away from what I want to be doing. Never mind that on some level, I'm sure, I've been learning. And I've been complaining. Alot. And, funny thing, the more I complained about anything really, the worse that thing got. Only I was already making myself unhappy about it so until now I didn't even realize I was making it worse. It's amazing how blinding ungratefulness can be. and not in a good way.
But anyhow, so as I'm sitting there at 1:30 am, feeling sorry for myself and upset because I can't possibly see anything of value in anything I've been doing, and feeling like I have absolutely no one to lean on and share with while I'm in this horrifying limbo until I can feel like I'm making progress again, and angry at Mark for falling asleep when I was trying to talk about my feelings.... and eventually I just run out, of tears and of thoughts and of grievances, and I'm just so done with it all, and i can see this whole time how pitiful I'm being, and even how wrong I am, but it's like I can't help but just go on, because I'm too stubborn and lazy and whatever else to just open my Bible like I know from the beginning I needed to. So finally I do. And I'm not sure where to go, but I remember one reference, of all the references i've heard over and over again, only one comes to mind and i can't remember what it says but I go there: and it's Jeremiah 29:11. That's the verse I remembered. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a good future."
...perfect. Moments like that make me wonder how I ever lose sight of how much God loves me.
And then this morning I was reading in Numbers, Chapter 10&11, it's the tail end of the Israelite's journey to the edge of the promise land, and Moses sending the young men to go and explore, and they come back and they're all like "no, we're gonna die, wah wah wah."
Well there was ALOT of complaining going on. and so much was lost because they just couldn't keep their mouths shut and be greatful. Those Israelites were supposed to be the ones to go in and take the promised land that God had for them. And they lost that call on their life because they couldn't keep their eyes on the goal and keep from grumbling. After so much complaining, God finally said "Alright fine. You have such a problem with this? You don't want to walk through three years of uncomfortable journeying, in which you've wanted for nothing, so that I can put you in a land that's plentiful in every way for generations? Fine. You go back where you wanted to go, then. You just keep on complaining, and I'll get someone else to do it. Fine." They lost sight of what was before them, they stopped trusting that God had brought them where they were and was still leading them where He said He'd bring them, and they started complaining.
Lord help me if I ever go there again. I will never go there again. Forgive me Lord for being so impatient, and presumptuous, and ungrateful. From now on, I'm going to spend my time thankful, and trusting. period.
