Plaid Tidings!

It's the Christmas season! yay! Finally!!

and let me tell you, I am loving it! ^_^

I got a gig running spotlight at Watertower Theatre for a show called Plaid Tidings. It's just a little thing, don't do much and don't get paid all that much, but it's something :) and I'm happy to not be totally inactive. The major downside here (besides lack of sleep and time crunch with finals) is that I won't get to see The Boxer. I'm so bummed... I can't even tell you about it. I was so looking forward to seeing Mark onstage. And I mean, from what I've heard it's going to be hilarious. I really was so pysched about it and now I don't get to go at all :(
well... oh well. C'este la vie, I suppose.

Decided I'm going to look for an evening job closer to home as soon as I finish up with finals. this is a good decision :)

Going to see New Moon tonight

I hope it's decent... don't really expect it to be though.

I cheated on my dietary regimen yesterday. Can't turn down free pizza when I'm hungry. Ssshhhhh don't tell Susan! :p

<3

Like a One-Person Chat Room

Note to self: eating whatever I want for a weekend makes it hard to eat only meat and veggies again. Man, just when I totally had it down...

So much has been going on.. emotionally, and mentally, and socially. Not so much substantially. As far as physical substantiality goes anything. Meaning I can't see anything productive getting done... my progress as far as DOING things, is minimal here lately. And we all know how I'm a big fan of that... -.-

Mostly it's just frustrating when I don't know exactly what it is I would like to be seeing. If I knew what I wanted, then I could figure out how to get it. And I know some things that I want I suppose... I guess the best thing to do would be to work on those until I have something more central to work towards? Idk. I asked Mark yesterday... he wasn't in the very best of moods and I asked him "What do you want? How do you want things to be?" and he said "idk.. better." I guess that's how I feel a little at the moment. But that doesn't really help at all. If I know what I want then I can figure out how to make it happen.

Have faith in God. That's the bottom line, huh.

WELL it's the Thanksgiving season, and I've been going on so much about I want I want I want I feel I feel I think I hope I wish I think I feel I want. How silly. What I SHOULD be taking about is how I'm really enjoying this cold weather, and i have a whole collection of nice new hats and scarves and gloves and sweaters to enjoy it in, which I got from my loving and most-always pleasant family, whom I love and am very much thankful for. And I get to spend time with them, and with good friends and coworkers, and I get to spend a good amount of time (sometimes i think not enough.. and then sometimes too much!) with a wonderful man who loves me, who i know at the bottom of everything else will at least be willing to figure things out with me. And if I ask nicely, he'll give me a hug. And if I smile, he'll give me a kiss. A hug and a kiss? What more can a girl ask for? :) Praise the Lord.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Man.
What a bipolar weekend. lol.
it started out.. amazingly. Friday I went to a magic show in Garland with Chelsea and Aaron (Mark had gotten the tickets, but then he had rehearsal.) Anyway it turned out to be like a kid's pro-recycling sort of thing, with a couple of magic tricks mixed in to make it seem cooler. But we had fun with it I suppose :p Afterward Aaron and I went to Plano for cigars and coffee. Mark stopped by but didn't stay long. Later I went back to Mark's house to hang out.. we were watching White Collar. Then at one point he was like, "I left my bag in my car... you should come with me to get it, we'll take a walk around the block or something" but then when we got out there he had left his keys so he went back inside. As soon as he went back inside, Traci, Zack, Scott, and Blake came charging down the street, grabbed me, and threw me into the car with them. Long story short, they "kidnapped" me, then Mark rescued me and asked me to be his girlfriend :)
It was pretty much wonderful (overall.)
Then Saturday Mark took me to La Madeline for brunch, and we spent the afternoon drawing masterpieces with sidewalk chalk. lol. Then to my parents' house for dinner, and this is where the weekend starts to turn awry.
There was a little bit of personal drama saturday night... nothing too life-altering I suppose, I just got my feelings hurt a little bit. My family is... not as accepting as I would like them to be. I don't know why they feel they have to have a judgement on everything, but it seems they do. And it seems me being so excited about Mark and everything isn't enough for them to be. Apparently my family hasn't gotten over comparing everything to Collin, as if he were still a part of my life. That does hurt. But it's whatever. Eventually they'll open their mind enough to actually take a look at Mark, and as soon as that happens, they'll love him :)
So there was that, but other than that Saturday night was nice. Spent the night at the parents', and most of the day Sunday, just chillin and hangin and sleepin. lol. It was nice. Then last night I went over to Mark's house, we were gonna watch one of the movies I borrowed from Sarah after he finished his essay for English.. but somewhere between finishing the essay and starting the movie there was more drama, but with his parents and some disagreement between them.. anyway we ended up not watching the movie. sigh. Not to worry, we'll watch it another time :)

So... despite it's ups and downs... I call it a good weekend. Things are going to work out quite nicely. :)
AND, TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! :D

Day three-- was mostly a success. I say mostly because I bought pomegranate lemonade and drank some before I remembered to make sure it was 100% juice. It wasn't. I drank very sugary concentrate. rats. I also went grocery shopping, bought an unreasonable amount of veggies and fruit and tuna. And forgot to get eggs, which my roomie requested, so I'll probably be stopping by target today. And Hobby Lobby, if I can help it. I have some crafts in mind that I really want to try that I need to get the supplies for. I'd tell you, but it'd ruin my element of surprise for Christmas presents!

So yesterday I was driving toward Lewisville from work, and there's this guy on a motorcycle driving in the lane next to me. Only he was the obnoxious, impatient, I'm going to zigzag behind you impatiently even though we're ALL stuck in traffic kind of motorist. Then he got behind me and I found it annoying that he would zigzag all the way up to my bumper as if that would somehow cause me to move faster, when had nowhere to go. But that's beside the point. lol. Later, when traffic let up, I have ended up a few car lengths in front of him, and I was starting to pick up speed again when here come this motorcycle flying by. Only it looks funny. The head and arms and legs were not where they should be. The guy had his feet up on the back of the seat, laying on his stomach with his head forward, and one arm on the handlebar and the other down, like where his leg would normally go. As cool as this is in a parking lot, I sincerely wish he'd not have tried on the highway. I hope he didn't get hurt...

Ok I'm not being vain, but this whole physical overhaul I've been doing (I really should give it a cool name, like Project Reset or something :p) seems to be working. I mean there's the cleanse, which helps to give my digestive system and organs and whatnot a chance to flush themselves out (I really need to be drinking more water for that though :/), and I'm whitening my teeth (Crest Whitening Strips) Lightening my hair (just a little, naturally with hydrogen peroxide), working out (obviously, P90X), taking better care of my skin, staying better hydrated, and I have a dermatologist appointment next week. I've only been doing all this for a few weeks really, but I'm starting to see results and it's encouraging :) I'm pretty sure by Christmas I'm going to feel like a new person. (Physically, that is. lol)
Anyway. good times. :)

Don't picka prickly pear with a bare bear paw

When you picka prickly pear, just use the claw!

So day 3 of the cleanse. Yesterday was a little tough to not snack, last night. I'm used to munching on something carb-y and tasty in the evenings, you know. BUT I didn't. I had cashews and a few pieces of celery for breakfast, attempted to have a can of asparagus for lunch (it was disgusting. never again will I believe that canned vegetables taste anything like the real thing. blech) and when that didn't work out bought myself a grilled chicken breast at Cattleman's. 'Twas tasty. Then for dinner had a baked chicken breast off the bone. Not bad I suppose.

I'm still tired. I'm hoping my body adjusts soon and the energy picks up. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd slept all of 10 min :/

Can I just say, I love fun old people ^_^ When I get old.. I'm gonna be a blast :D

I guess there's not a whole lot else to update today. I've got to go shopping today if nothing else, though I was hoping to also do some laundry. That may not happen until tomorrow though; I desperately want to go to bed early tonight. Like, 7:30 early. That tends to change when I actually get there and get to thinking about things I could be doing, etc etc... So if I don't, I'll do a load of laundry and read some Harry Potter :p

<3

One day down...

First day of the cleanse was a success. Second is off to a good start :)

I can't remember if I've mentioned the cleanse in my blog yet or not. Anyway, Susan and I are doing it, until New Years. But we have holidays off. Which means (chronologically) my birthday (on which Jacob is making us gumbo!)Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. I suppose this really isn't the ideal time of year to do a cleanse, but too late! We've already started. lol. Besides, there's no time like the present, right? Ok so what it entails is meat, vegetables, modest amounts of fruit, and nuts and beans. Also, herbs are acceptable, and vinegar and olive oil. And as far as liquids, water, juice, and tea. And nothing else. No carbs, no starches, no dairy, no fats, no sugar. (Other than the natural fats and sugars in meat and fruit) Especially no artificial sugars, fried food, or processed food. (I used that term lightly, since it's exceptionally difficult to find non-processed meats. and the amount we're working out, we need that protein and calories)

Oh man. This change in dietary intake, paired with the incredibly HARD workout we did yesterday (Plyometrics. sound tough? it is.)has left me many kinds of tired last night and this morning. I'm sure it will pass in a few days as my body adjusts, but thus far... I feel exhausted. good thing I just basically have to sit all day right...

ADDENDUM
In the interest of this cleanse, I'm going to briefly share what I eat each day. Not that that's interesting at all, but it might help me :)
So yesterday I ate nothing for breakfast but had a cup of hot tea (:/) and then an apple and two hard-boiled eggs for lunch, and then peanuts and a can of green beans for dinner. (I know canned vegetables are not as good, but i had already bought them!)
Today so far I've had cashews for breakfast, and I drank acai berry juice with my vitamins this morning. And having a cup of tea now. yay :)

I want to HIT something!@#^&!!!

Ok. So here's what happened. Yesterday, a bunch of us were supposed to meet up and play football. I was pretty excited about this, since I'd been itching to do something active outdoors all weekend. So we get there, and we're waiting for about half of our group to show up, and there's these other guys there that look real athletic and competitive. So Mark and a couple of guys that were there start a 4-on-4 game with these guys that we don't know. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to want to play football with a bunch of big competitive guys that I don't know. So, basically, that leaves me standing on the sidelines watching these boys take themselves too seriously for the next hour and a half. I was not happy. And, to Mark's credit, he did come over and ask if we wanted to leave and do something else... I said no, I just didn't want to play with a bunch of guys I don't know. He came over again and asked if we were having fun. I said no -.- (I was pretty darn annoyed by this time) But what was I supposed to do? Insist that he quit his game which it looked like he was enjoying because I was upset that he wasn't playing with me? I didn't want to be that girl. So basically, I just brooded. (I know, much better, right? I wasn't doing a very good job of "being patient with each other, and being joyful always") I was irritated because I wanted to play, I was part of the original plan, and Mark was playing without me. And also because, he knew I was upset, and not having a good time. I left it his choice if he wanted to stay but I mean, I don't want to have to ask to leave. I don't want to be the one to ruin someone else's fun. Besides, I didn't want to leave. I wanted those other guys to leave -.-

Anyway. Eventually they did leave, and the rest of us finally got to play. Only by that time half the boys were tired and whatnot from playing competitively... and even if they weren't it was dumb because they "wouldn't tackle a girl"
honestly then, what's the point? I don't have any interest in playing gentle football. Especially when I'm mad. So that game didn't last very long, and we went home.

...Of course when we got home there was that fun conversation for me and Mark to have. He felt bad because supposedly he ruined all my fun, and he offered to do something else and I didn't say that I wanted to do something else. And I felt bad because it really wasn't his fault, but I'm not going to insist on having my way when I'm upset. I will be honest, and tell you I'm not having fun (like I did) and hope that you'll do something about it.. But I'm not going to ask you to stop what you're doing if you're enjoying yourself (which I thought he was) just because I'm not. So I didn't know what else to do. And, neither did he. He knew that I was upset, but I guess neither of us knew what to do about it. I don't think either of us do still. I still feel just as incapable of plainly stating what I want, and I don't think he understands that asking me to say what I want doesn't make it any easier to say what I want if I feel like it's something selfish. If he were to say that HE would like to do something else that I can play too or start another game of football, rather than ask if I wanted to because I wasn't having fun, it would have been different. Does that even make any sense at all?

So we talked about all this, and it was all rather miserable until he simply said "You're more important than some stupid game, and I care about you way more than I care about those guys.If I ask you if you want to do something, it's because I either want to, or don't care either way. I'm not going to ask you just because I feel bad. Next time, can you please just tell me the truth?" (that's a paraphrase, not that it much matters. This response I approved of very much. As far as next time.. we'll see how that goes :/) And then he stood up and threw the football to me. I, somewhat confused, threw it back. He threw it to me again and when I went to throw it back he said, "What are you doing? Try to run it in."
We then proceeded to play 1-on-1 football (an interesting cross between football and basketball) across his front yard for the next half hour or so :D. I lost, despite my ferocious efforts :p but I've got bruises all over and various stiff muscles and aching limbs as a reward. lol. I know, I found a good one, right? I mean.. I think so.... :)

It's the Thought That Counts

Can I just say, getting a comment from Kelsey made my day :)

Okay so, a few days ago I was thinking and I decided, I want to do something special for Mark. You know, surprise him. I asked around for some original ideas but didn't come up with a whole lot. Everyone asked, "What's the occasion?" The occasion? Life, my friend. It's worth celebrating any old Tuesday. Also, love my friend. I disapprove of confining the opportunity of showing someone how much you care about them to holidays and/or "special occasions." So I wanted to do something special, that he wouldn't expect, just because. Because he's wonderful. ^_^

The idea I ended up with is half-recycled, half original, and half stolen. I got a bunch of balloons and some little knick-knacks and his favorite candy (Sweettarts. I know, I don't get it either :/) and a whole bunch of little notes. On each notes is something little that I love about him ^_^. Then each note and little knick-knack went inside of a balloon. For example, one said "There's nothing in this world that you can't be" and I put that inside of a balloon with a Wolverine figurine. There's about fifty of these, and I filled up his car with them as a surprise ^_^. ...At least I was going to. But it turns out his car is having issues and he's driving his mom's and I didn't want to do it to his mom's, so I snuck into his room instead and piled them all on his bed. Not quite as clever or impressive, but hey. It's the thought that counts, right? And anyway, it made him smile and that was the point. And apparently he went to work with a sugar rush this morning, and that makes me happy :p

So despite the rather large amount of crunching to pull this off spur-of-the-moment and too many minutes spent blowing up balloons in Walmart's parking lot and the rather imperfect presentation... I call this adventure a success. :)

<3

A Tour Guide Named Stress

SO, the best that I can say for this past week is that if I so choose, I can come away having learned a couple somethings.

At surface level, Last. Week. Sucked. Like a giant emotional stressful exhausting defecating traumatic Black Hole. basically. It was a guided tour of a series of unfortunate events with a tour guide named Stress. There was the whole Boxer shenanigans, and questioning my performance abilities, and whether or not I'll ever actually accomplish my dreams, and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority and all that nonsense. Well that wasn't fun. But I came out of it bolstered and determined, and all sorts of ready for Dream Auditions. Now, Dream-- that's a show I can do. besides the fact that elements of the characters were based on me, I'm simply in my element with that sort of a script and style of show. I was ready. And PERFECT for the show. I could have done any of those parts. the girl parts, that is. Though, give me a chance and I'd have done the male parts, too. Not that the director would. Give me a chance? In hindsight, I don't think he ever meant to. He told me to take a look at Ashley. So I did. not my first choice, but if you see me as an Ashley, then sure. I'll give it a shot. I see me as Cheyenne. Apparently he sees Cheyenne a bit taller. That's fine. Stupid, but fine. you do what you want. At least he still let em read for Cheyenne. Now Allison, the beatnik.. I can do that. I can do that so hardcore, you don't even know. You don't have the slightest comprehension of what I can do. But "you don't see it"-- so you won't let me try. You won't even try to stretch your imagination. Not that I was asking that much. I simply hoped you might drop your preconceived notions of me, be professional, and give me a chance. But that's fine. Hey, it's your show. You can do what you want with it. If you want me to read for Ashley, I'll read for Ashley. You won't consider me for anything but what you can picture me already in your own small mind? Alright whatever. You're gonna pass me over for that part too, in favor of your new love interest? NOT alright whatever. It's not okay. To be perfectly honest, that hurt. Alot. She might be good, and I don't begrudge her the chance... but you and I both know there was no one there better for this show than me. If you'd give me a chance. If only.

This is what I'm wrestling with. I feel like I failed again.. I did my best at an audition, and didn't get cast. In fact, I didn't even get the second chance I was hoping for to prove to Jon that I could do more than just Ashley because he canceled callbacks. didn't see the point, since he already had his cast picked. Let me clue you in Jon: the purpose of callbacks is to gain perspective on the spectrum of talent that you have to work with, and to see what an actor looks like on more than just one occasion. But whatever. It only hurts so much because this time, I KNOW that I'm good enough. I would have blown them away if Jon would have just opened his eyes to see anything more than the picture of me he's already had in his head. It's said that my respect for him as a director was finished before it began. I find it more sad that yet again my hopes of getting back onstage, proving to myself that I can, in fact, act, have been dashed-- not because of how I did, but because of who I am. Basically? not fair. It hurts.

So that's my pain. the rest of the weekend, I mean stuff happened and all... it was all pretty much tainted though. Thank God for good friends who kept me sane through all of this. And thank God for His mercy, which I now have the.. opportunity.. to extend to someone else. God help me to forgive and let go. I've dealt with it now and admitted that I was hurt and acknowledged that it doesn't matter if I'm right or anyone else for that matter, my only course of action at this point is to pray, give it over to God, forgive Jon, bless him and his production (that part was hard. I always hear about that being hard and I'm like "it's not that hard, just do it" because its really never been hard for me before, but this was hard. I really wanted nothing more than to say "every one of those girl actors better be nothing short of phenomenal. or I'm gonna be PISSED. and at the same time, I hope they're not so Jon can spend the next month of his life lamenting the fact that he didn't cast me!!" but I didn't. promise.) and praise God. This is me, moving' on. And I've found that when I get bogged down again and it starts to hurt again and I want to be mad again.. the best way to get past that and let it go and get over it and keep moving n and not lose my progress, is to praise God. so I mean... I'm getting somewhere. I'm making progress. We're doing this. Phew.

It's a new week. It's a new month. It's a new day. And I got to watch the sunrise this morning :)

<3