Tuesday, January 27, 2009

butting heads

i hate fighting

it's so stupid
especially when i'm irritated
i seem to be in that state lately.

this is so stupid.. why are we fighting.. i was excited.. now i'm not.. it's like a large hostile blob looming above/between us.. very very not cool.. and i havent the slightest idea of how to go about fixing it.

that is what i'm thinking just now.

<3

Sunday, January 25, 2009

rat-a-tat-tat

so i've decided. officially. i'm going to get a tattoo.

you may or may not know that for some time i've had the inclination to get tattooed, and have 4 specifically designed and designated locations for them. if i did get tattoos, it would be these four in these places. the first is the phonetic spelling of "passion" over an outline of flames. perhaps soon i will upload a picture of it. it's going on my left shoulder blade. the next is a small Christian fish (dont remember the greek name for it), to go on my right palm. the next is a design which symbolizes love, the four different types and especially God's love and how it changed and inspires my life. it's difficult to explain what it looks like, perhaps i will upload a picture of that also. it's to go somewhere in the vicinity of my right hip. the fourth i haven't actually designed yet, but it will symbolize truth and go on my right calf.

the first of these is the one i've decided to get. it's a symbol of passion, of passionate living, of whole-heartedness, 100% commitments, etc. something that's very important in my life. i would rather not do something than so it half-way. i would rather be fully devoted to what i believe than hold my faith passively. life is not life which is not lived. eh? this i find exceptionally well expressed in this particular tattoo. and, it's a constant challenge to myself to follow God with everything i have, to go all-in, and to be totally real in everything i do and say.

:D
i'm excited ^_^

<3

Thursday, January 22, 2009

goings on

well
every time i try to post i end up going off on something i didnt mean to go off on
and then i erase the whole thing because i dont want to post my directionless thoughts

but by then i'm tired of typing and don't know where to start over

so i'm sorry, no actual post yet. hopefully soon.

update: i've been working full-time.. just got my hours adjusted so i'll be working a regular schedule which should make my life a bit easier
i've been trying not to stress about financial issues pertaining to university. it's hard.
i've been watching gilmore girls quite a bit... it's becoming an addiction again though, so either i learn to balance it or i quit again.
my boyfriend is wonderful... in case you didn't already know
i'm praying about a couple of different things.. sortof. more like i've mentioned them to God with the intention of setting aside time to actually pray it out and listen to what He has to say. i have no excuse for my procrastination.
my sister wants to take the dog when she moves out. i dont want her to. i'll miss my bear dog.
i cut my hair again, but just a trim. it looks shorter, though, and i can't wait for it to really grow out. no more cutting until at least the summer.
i'm so excited i get paid tomorrow and i get to give my tithe :D

that's enough update. goodnight guys.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

tricksy

in service tonight we sang a worship sort of song that struck a major chord with me. (or was it a harmonic minor? hrmm) i've heard and sung this song dozens of times, and meant every word of what i was saying/singing, and yet tonight as we were singing it and i listened and read the words on the screen, i realized just how counterproductive those words were. they were all but crippling to a Christian walking out her life in faith and all but dismissive of everything God's already done and given us and said to us. now, i know that the heart behind these lyrics is pure and it's not meant to be deceitful or a misrepresentation of God or anything like that. on the one hand that's a seemingly redemptive quality. on the other hand, that makes it all the more dangerous. we're in a time now where ignorance is neither acceptable nor dismissable in the body of Christ. and a large reason why we're still preaching "repent and make things right with God" sermons to Christians who have been saved for years and should be far beyond such "spiritual milk" is that we keep allowing subtle fallacies and unproductive prayers to infiltrate our speech and our worship, and consequently or attitudes and mindsets. The song is called "Give Us Clean Hands"..
now, don't leave me unfriendly comments if that's your favorite praise and worship song. first of all, it's not really praise or worship, and second, it's full of unthinking and unbiblical phrases. "give us clean hands, give us pure hearts"... Jesus did that, remember? "let us not lift our sould to another" ..that's not God's job. He told us to not lift our souls to another, and then gave us the choice to obey. stop trying to make your decisions God's responsibility. now i know you're going to next say that that line is really meant to express "i don't want to lift my soul to another" .. well then, say that. saying things other than what we mean in an effort to convey what we mean is stupid and counterproductive, and it's gotten my generation into alot of trouble.
"God let us be a generation that seeks Your face, oh God of Jacob" .. again, not God's respnsibility He's already proven that He desires us to seek His face, and given us the means to do so. Stop trying to say "I want this to be a generation that seeks your face, God of Jacob" and start declaring it, and making it happen. and stop letting words deceive you just because they happen to be presented with a catchy melody.

anyway.. i didnt mean to go into all that, but now that i have i think it's good. this is what i wrote during the service when i first was talking to God about this:

How erroneous, the songs we sing
and we never even knew

with our own words, we keep ourselves shut up
trapped below a enfeebling ceiling

why O Lord do we continue to ask
for that which we've already been given?
why do we ask that You allow us
to be that which You's commanded us to be?

Why do we beg You
to assume that which You've given us the power over?

Why do we ask for help
in the things we should not be trying to do at all,
the things which are not our role,
with the intention in our hearts that You should carry us the distance?

How oblivious we can be!
not to see that this would cripple us -
not to see that we cannot leave room for our own credit
and expect Your glory

How deceptive our words have become!
Lord, open our eyes to all that we call to pass
Amen.

<3