Aftermath (comes Algebra)

Well. I didn't make Boxer callbacks. I didn't even do well in Boxer auditions. I find this upsetting. Actually it triggered a bit of a meltdown yesterday. It was.. unpleasant. But, I suppose, beneficial. After all, metal is stronger once it's been smelted, right? Anyway. I hate being inferior. But it gives me... quite a bit to work on. Not so much the how-to... but anyway. that wasn't my point. My point was that God and I had a nice long chat about the whole fiasco. Basically, I tend to be naturally good at things. Or if I'm not, I'm pretty quick to pick it up. I've never come across something I couldn't do. There's never been something I couldn't make better if I tried hard enough. I've never just been not good enough. But this came terribly close. And I didn't like it, not one bit. Theatre is the one thing in the world I'm most passionate about next to God and people, and it's the one thing in the world that doesn't come easily to me. And so I'm ranting all this at God, all the while freaking out, melting down, and God's just basically like. "well, duh. You can't do it without Me."

so that's basically where I'm at with all that. We worked it out, we made a plan, we made an agreement on how we're going to do this. I've got work to do :) and it started today. Today's been lovely. I haven't been able to fully become non-disappointed about The Boxer, and I'm struggling to muster some excitement for Dream auditions tomorrow... But it'll get better. I'm pushing forward.

<3

What do you want to DO with your life?

what a loaded question. I mean, it's pretty straight forward, but I've never found it easy to answer. Sometimes because, there's just so much that I don't really know... and sometimes because, even though I know exactly what I want to do, I don't know if I can articulate it with words, or even if i can, it's just hard to spit it out and just have it right out there in front of the world to pick at or whatever. So my answers tend to be broad and nonspecific rather than the alternative.
Anywaym someone asked me last night, What do you want to do with your life? *sigh* well... there's the somewhat arbitrary things; theatre, art, music, performance, speaking, teaching, learning, traveling, writing, creating, discovering, revolutionizing. I know most of those, while vague, don't sound arbitrary to most people. But they are. They could be anything. I say arbitrary because none of these are really what I want to do; they're just the means that I see myself using to do what is really at the core of all of these desires. And what is that? two things. #1-- to Love, and to be Loved. and #2-- to know the Truth, and to share it. These are the two things that I will spend the rest of my life pursuing, and the more I obtain them, the more I will have to obtain.
I mean, on the one hand it's a noble destiny, and inspiring, and self-perpetuating, and never lacking direction if nothing else. On the other hand, though theyre certainly not unattainable, they will always be more obtainable. Does that make any sense? you don't arrive with these goals. You continue in them. So sometimes, when it's not as clear to see the progress we've already made, all we can see is the infinite distance yet to go. And then when someone asks you like it's as simple as "what do you want to be when you grow up, Tommy?" ..it can be frustrating. It can be difficult. And it's stirring. To be sure, it's good to be stirred. The Word even tells us to stir ourselves up. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between "stirred up" and restless. And sometimes they're both there at the same time. I think I could use a little more stirring and a little less restless.
Let's get to work on that, shall we?

Is it blissful kissful? Is it rapturous delight?

well, maybe not all that, but this weekend was quite wonderful :)
Friday night was Bus Stop (which went well, of course) and afterward we went out to Cheddars. Tiffanie and Sam and Whitney came, and a good time was had by all (despite some little bit of drama with the roommate... she got over it. ):) I love my friends. After Cheddars, went and hung out at Mark's for awhile. Saturday am watched the first part of the UT-OU game at Mark's shindig... Texas had a rough start but they won in the end, which I guess is cool. Can't say that I would have been any more or less satisfied if it had gone the other way.. *shrug*
Saturday matinee went fine, super small crowd though. went home and cleaned and chilled a bit between performances, then back for the night show which my parents saw and enjoyed :D afterwards me, lindsey, jon, aaron, kelsey, and lexi went bowling. SOOO much fun ^_^ we all did quite terribly as far as scoring goes, but it was fun. Sunday morning Mark went to Northstar with me (I can't really give a whole lot of specifics about why, but suffice it to say, this is kindof a big deal). Service was super-good. It's good to be back, after a month and a half of crazy rehearsal schedules that included Sunday mornings. :D sunday matinee show was good, theres was a good note of finality at the end, and I got pictures with all the cast which will soon be on my facebook ^_^ After that I went to mom and dad's for dinner with the family, and a good time was had by all. By that time, though, I was pretty tired so I ended up skipping the cast party. Aaron is pretty disappointed that I didn't bring him his cigar, but he'll get over it :p

And now it's Monday. Nothing to really worry about this week but schoolwork, prepping for The Boxer auditions, and relaxing :D

God has been very good to us...

<3

I don't feel like blogging

But i don't like not having updates.
I want to rename my blog. need suggestions.

so, there's a few people coming to the show tonight... I'm super excited ^_^ more about post-show activities than about the show itself, but the show will be fun too. most likely i'll spend the whole time making myself cute. but i pretty much already look cute so that might get redundant/restless, a bit. lol, who knows?

1.5 hours till the weekenddddd. it's gonna be such a good weekend! show and party tonight, football thing at marks in the morning, then Bus Stop matinee, hang out with the cast, Bus Stop evening performance. Sunday church, then Matinee, then dinner with the folks, then cast party. Maybe I'll take a nap or two... but probably not. I will be sleeping in though, so that's something :D

alrighty. i'm done. gonna go check my bank account and answer phone calls... one hour to the weekend.... !!!

<3

Centennial Celebration!

ok, so technically I can't really say centennial, because that implies 100 YEARS... but this is my 100th post! exciting, right? it's been like a year and a half, so I guess that tells you how often I update... :p

so what to discuss in my 100th post? politics? religion? super hero comics? web comics? film reviews? Show experiences? friends and family? love and romance? so many possibilities... but I think the most fitting thing will be simply to say how wonderful and extraordinary God has been in my life. Just looking back, He's grown me and changed me in so many ways.. in a lot of ways I feel like I've gone in circles, but at the same time, there's a measurable distance between where I was then and where I am now-- a significant distance. God is good. He's brought me to exactly the place where I need to be, and sometimes I knew what was going on and sometimes I didnt. I'm so blessed to be at CTC, working and learning, and at the time I fought the CCCC option tooth and nail. I had my life tied in a bow, so I thought, and God had other plans. And I couldn't be more grateful :) I wouldn't trade this past year and a half for the world. And honestly, at this point, I couldn't tell you what's coming. ANYTHING might happen. I might get "discovered" and run off to New York (not likely).. I might be in Dallas for a few more years.. I might go to UNT and get a bachelor's after all.. I might move to Chicago and be a vagabond. I might marry a youth pastor and go into full-time ministry. I might join a ministry troupe and travel for awhile. I might START a ministry troupe and travel for awhile. I might learn some more and get involved with KCM's television/film dept. I might elope and move to London. I might join a band and go on tour. The rapture might happen tomorrow. I might take a bullet for someone today. Time travel technology might develop, enabling me to go back in time to 1950 and woo Elvis Presley. Probably not... but you never know. Anything could happen :)

one thing for sure, I want to serve God and live life. I want to learn, and grow, and do, and be. I want to experience. I want to create. I want to believe, and see. I want to speak and be heard. I want to change.

So I guess if 100 posts is like a landmark, or a mile marker of sorts, then here I am. But what's ahead is more exciting than what's behind :D

More of the same(ish)

ok, so goals for the weekend were sleeping, laundry, shopping and studying, right? and a good show, of course. Well the show went really well. Sleep? check. slept until noon on saturday and 10:00 on sunday. Laundry? check. seven loads of it. still got a couple that need to be folded though... >_> shopping? almost check. got everything but the couple of presents that i was gonna pick up.. I'll do that this weekend :)
ok and studying. no check :( I still feel utterly unprepared for my British Lit midterm. It's going to be multiple choice, which is a definite plus... still though. this prof is tough, and at the moment I just don't know my stuff. Which means, any downtime I have between now and tomorrow evening will be spent reading, reviewing, spark-noting :p

I want my hair to be lighter/brighter. What do you think, lemon juice or peroxide?

well, today and tomorrow off, then shows on wed-sun. Mark and Traci and I are supposed to go to the fair today... provided it stops raining. Let's hope! and then, I had bought a ticket to see Life Stories on Wednesday, but then discovered that I have a show on Wednesday so I guess I need to call the box office and see if I can get that switched to Tuesday (tomorrow). [note to self.. call saturn dealership about plates and dentist's office to make an appointment]. After British Lit exam tomorrow I jump straight into writing my Speech term paper, which I believe I have about a week to finish, or something like that. No matter, a day or two is more than enough for this paper. My prof doesn't particularly care for me and my opinions, but she's a sucker for my writing ^_^... which is nice; it means I always have a B.S. fallback if I run out of time on her assigments. :D

So looks like it's gonna be a decently busy week. I'm gonna do my best to sneak a few z's in where I can. I feel quite well-rested now though, and I'll be able to go to bed early tonight if I play my cards right, and I can always nap during the show if I really need to ^_^

life is good. I am so blessed.... Thanks, God. ^_^

<3

Close Call

I missed my exit this morning. I was too busy trying to keep my eyes open to see that the exit i was passing was the one I needed to be on. ironically, the instant i realized that it was, I was wide awake. Joy. at that point, though, I had to keep driving until I could turn around... which ended up being in Rhome, TX. Needless to say, I sped like nobody's business to then make it to work on time. It was the grace of God (and perhaps the happenstance of the rain) that I didn't get pulled over, and a double portion of grace that I managed to not clock in late. I parked my car, didn't bother to lock it as i ran up the walkway (in heels. Praise the Lord that i happen to be wearing my easiest-to-run-in heels) and clocked in at exactly 6:00 a.m. with probably a whole 10 seconds to spare ;)
that's right, I live life on the edge! :p

Opening night last night went wonderfully. And for my part, I had everyone dressed, prepped, powdered and sprayed before the call for places and with time to spare! and they all looked good, of course ^_^
Every person has such a different face... i guess it's more obvious when you spend your time putting makeup on different faces. But honestly, everyone's faces is so different from anyone else's.. unique, i suppose. and working with other faces has also pointed out that i have [comparatively] a very high capability for wrinkles. Some people have very firm faces and virtually no wrinkles at all, even when they squish their face up. Aaron, for example, i have to create wrinkles on because his face has no lines! well, my face has an abundance of lines. ere go, I should probably take better care of my skin lest these wrinkles decide they might make themselves more visible in years to come. :p

British Lit midterm on Tuesday... guess we know how I'll be spending my weekend! doing laundry and studying when not at the show, and more studying in-between intermissions during the show. yup.

Going to the fair on monday!!! I'm so excited... totally worth skipping Speech class for. totally. :D

have a good weekend :) hopefully by monday I'll have accomplished much sleeping, shopping, and studying. we'll see ;)

<3

The prince has read Utopia...?

The Bible can touch our hearts, order our minds, and refresh our souls. - Ronald Reagan (40th President of the United States of America)

I really enjoyed this quote. It's from a promotional synopsis of The American Patriot's Bible. I think we (myself included here) don't pay enough attention to how we should be seeking the Lord to change our country. Yesterday in devotionals Jacob talked about how it is our duty to pray for our country and our government and its leaders. Actually, he used the word duty three times, which I found amusing in a very juvenile sort of way ^_^. But immature puns aside, it really is our duty to be praying for these things, and to speak the Word of God over our country and its leaders. I'm going to endeavor to be better about that... I'll add it to the list >_>

Someone told me I was tiny yesterday ^_^. She said she didn't realize how skinny I was. In all honesty, I'm not very skinny at all, but I have a pretty petite form so when I'm in shape I look pretty small. And guess what... I'm getting there! I'm starting to be able to see my arms and legs tone up. My midsection (abs/back/torso) is always the first thing to slim down/tone up when I work out or lose any weight at all. So it feels good to see the workout affecting the rest of my body too and not just that "extra skin" that always goes away fairly easily. But anyway. Somebody noticed that I look thin and I was flattered ^_^.

So we're reading Utopia in British Lit. Man... I rather dislike the fact that I have to stumble and rush through it just so I'll know enough in time to pass the quiz and therefore the class. And this isn't the first book I've felt this way about in this class. Felt the same way about Chaucer, and The Green Knight, and all the histories of British Literature that I've had to skim more than read... blech. and the thing is they're all in a fine-print text book with very thin pages which, i don't know if you know, but that is just freaking obnoxious to read! This is good literature, and I'd like to be able to really read it, and enjoy it. And I'd like to read it out of a real book on real paper I think. It'd just be easier. Anyway. All of that was basically to say I enjoy classic British Literature (and I use that word classic pretty loosely here I suppose) and I hope that I find the time after this class is over to go back and read this stuff for real.

Oh yeah, Tom Elliott finally posted those photos from the shoot we did last spring for his photography class. The project was Fear/Nightmare, so some of the pictures are pretty weird, lol. Some of them are kinda pretty though, in an almost-goth kind of way. Anywho. They'll be up on my facebook soon. I'll post a link when they're up :)

Tuesday. Dress rehearsal tonight. Full hair and makeup (oi vey) Nap between intermissions? One entire book of Thomas More's Utopia (just pretend that that's underlined) to read before 5:30 today. 1 paper to write before 4:30 tomorrow. 4.5 hours of sleep last night... skipped the shower (our little secret). I'm keeping up :) And God is good, and I'm gonna make some extra Word time tonight I think. I could sure use it.

<3

Stormy with a chance of gumdrops

Today is October the 5th. When did that happen??

seriously, like, I just started school... didn't I? and now Bus Stop is opening this week? I mean, on the one hand it feels like we've been working on it forever... but on the other hand, it's like what on earth we have to perform this for real? already??

So it was an exciting weekend i suppose. I was gonna go to the fair but ended up not since it was raining on-and-off. I'd rather go on a day when I don't have to worry about rides shutting down and whatnot. SO instead I hung out at traci's for a bit with mark and traci and whitney (andrew was sick :/) and we went to Brooklyn's and then saw Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs in 3D. I have to admit, 3D is pretty whatever with me. wearing glasses through a whole movie isn't all that comfortable, and once you get used to it the 3D doesn't really add all that much to the experience. my personal opinion. But in any case, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was SO good! I honestly did not expect to be impressed, but there you have it. Best animated film I've seen in quite some time.

Dress rehearsals all this week for Bus Stop, and we open on Thursday. Tonight I figure out the hair and makeup situation with everybody, and who needs help and who doesn't. Shouldn't be too bad :) and then I need to start working on my audition for The Boxer ^_^ I'm really excited... Like, I'm really interested in The Boxer... really like the script and I think I'd do really well in it. We'll see what the director is really looking for at auditions I suppose, but I have a good feeling about it, and I have experience with choreography, so that's in my favor :)
Even if I don't get cast or called back, though, auditions for Dream are that same week and I think I'm equally excited about that. Jon Christie is directing it, and I think it's really gonna be a good show. The characters and the synopsis are pretty interesting, plus it's an ALT Lab show, and those are always interesting :p

Well anyway, that's what's going on with me. I better get back to work now... >_> lol

<3

Stepping into Character

I was reading in Hebrews 11-12 yesterday, and got a little nugget from the Lord :)
Anyway, Hebrews 12 starts out talking about how we should throw off everything that hinders and the sin that weighs us down, etc etc. and how instead of considering our sturggle, we should consider the struggle that Christ endured for us and take that as encouragement...
So I'm meditating on this, and thinking of a few other instances in the bible that talk about putting off the old man and putting on the new. And that, directly applied to some things in my own life, I saw in a new light. To me that had always seemed sort of like putting down something that i had before and picking up something that i was supposed to have. Or purposefully stopping doing something and starting doing something else. I mean, I guess that's not totally inaccurate, but i just saw it in a different way... and I like this way better. It's not about refraining from saying mean things when you're mad or whining about it when you're hurt so that you're walking out the motions of walking in love-- it's about ceasing to be that person who reacts to a situation or event out of selfish concern (hurt or anger or pleasure or what have you) and stepping into the love of God, seeing through His eyes, and through that reacting out of love. Not forcing yourself to love, but reacting out of love.

Ok I'm gonna make another acting methods connection here. One method of characterization that I've been exposed to is to literally visual the character, standing in front of you-- their looks, their attitudes, mannerisms, strengths, insecurities, beliefs, desires, motivations, etc. Build all of that into this visualization in front of you. It can be alive, or as a shell, with all of these things sort of dormant, waiting to come to life. When it's complete, you step into it. So that, in a sense, you're wearing this character-- you put it on, you become this person as you designed him/her. Whether they look like you or not. It could be a tree, or a bunny rabbit, or a fairy queen, or the girl who looks remarkably like you. Doesn't matter. You put it on, step into it, and you become that.

Well, I think that walking in righteousness (walking in holiness, walking in love, running the race, putting on the Armor of God, putting on the new man, living as a new creation... however you want to think of it) is quite similar. Take the armor of God for example-- you've got the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of [the readiness that comes from] the gospel of peace, the helmet of salvation, and the shield of faith. All of these you put on, except the shield of faith, you kinda would pick that up i think. anyway. same concept. Meditate on these, and how the Word says to apply these, and simply step into that. When you think about it that way, you're actually experiencing the world around you through these things-- like a filter, of sorts. But the point is, just like with this characterization exercise in acting you're becoming that character that you created in your mind rather than trying to immitate what it would look like, you're not trying to immitate what it looks like to have a breastplate of righteousness on; you're actually wearing a breasplate of righteousness. the difference of course being that you didn't create the breastplate of righteousness in your mind, it's an actual tangible tool given to you in the Spirit.

But all of that more or less just presented itself a moment ago. The way I experienced it yesterday is that, when you shed your own self, your selfish concerns-- rather than suppress them or ignore them-- and consciously step into the love of God and the way that He sees the people around you... suddenly you're not trying to walk in love. Because you're actually in love. And when you're in love-- in the midst of it, not just experiencing it from one side-- then it becomes the filter that you experience the rest of the world through. Your input AND your output come and go through love.

Pshew. I'd love to be able to articulate this better than that^ but it's hard to articulate things that you didn't learn in words. (interlude: Spirit Thing, by the Newsboys. oldschool) I'll chew on it a bit more. okay.

<3