dont say goodbye

i never say goodbye... at least i try not to. as a Christian, i should never have to. as one of my mentors has always said, "it's not goodbye, its just see you later."
even so, i hate farewells. theyre hard. for me anyway.....

so i had thought to be leaving west texas in july... but God had other plans. long story short, it's time to move forward, and the decision had to be made quickly, so i didnt really get to give anybody sufficient notice. in other words, three days ago i told pastor j and deanna that i'd be leaving and today i'm at my parents' house. i'm definitely happy and excited to be moving forward and everything, but like i said, farewells are hard. i'm emotionally drained, and i didnt get to say things like i wanted to. oh well... i'll write a facebook/myspace blog i'm sure

but i'm in the dallas area now, and not quite entirely sure how to go about this next short time in my life. i'll be at UNT in the fall (finished my first year of college with a 4.0! wooo!) with some people that i love dearly, and with the i will be at EMIC. i consider this next season of my life to be training and ministry. i'm going to soak up and learn and dive in all i can at EMIC, and we are going to take UNT by storm. what happens when a college campus encounters passionate followers of Christ, servants of the Living God?? well we'll see. :D
so for the summer... at least for now, i'm getting a little R&R... and a job... making money... seeking the Lord and getting ready for that full-fledged awesomeness. chyeah.
i'll write my facebook/myspace blogs tomorrow i think.

<3

i should have something incredible to write

but all i have is silly dissatisfaction and petty distractions.
i talk such big talk about changing the world, and sometimes i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i have such huge ideas... i'm a dreamer, and proudly so, but then, on nights like tonight, i pray for something more palpable. or maybe i'm just disappointed in myself for not having anything more palpable than i do.
true, in the grand scheme i'm not exactly sitting on my duff. i'm well on my way to my future... but today? what did i accomplish today? little enough, if you ask me. and tomorrow i lock myself in my dorm to finish a paper to please a professor to make the grade to look good on a transcript to please more professors with rubbish i can scarcely bring myself to care about. another day wasted for nonsense.
i spend so much time doing the necessary that its hard to find time for the important.

God, mess up my plans. i make flexibility such a huge principle that even that's structured. it's like trying to plan for the unexpected. que??

*sigh*
what am i supposed to say? i mean, does this even have any merit or is it just writer's melancholy that won't make any difference in truth. truth.... there's another tangent.
but really. am i legitimately frustrated, or do i just need another slap on the hand for the same sidestep i've made too many times? don't read too far into that... i'm pretty sure only God and i actually know whats behind it.

distracted...
someone very close to me asked me not so long ago, "are you distracted or devoted?"
devoted...
good question.
in the Bible, that word devoted denotes a giving or committing that cannot be undone. Charam. there's no questioning or altering, and there's certainly no going back.

so where does that leave me?
there's certainly no going back. i've committed my life to Christ, and i have no intentions of turning to either side.
what then?
i've committed my life, but have i committed my days? why do i sometimes feel like i'm just wasting time on this path until i come to some significant milestone? i have no intentions of turning to either side, so why does it still seem difficult not to look to the left or the right? am i only rambling nonsense? am i asking too many rhetorical questions?

honestly though, is this restlessness entirely me? some people have said that it's because i'm young and haven't settled down... i pray that isn't true. if i have to settle for this to go away then maybe i'll just live with it. but i don't think that's it. there's got to be something stirring, other than me. maybe i only still question because i haven't thrown myself completely into the fray. i admit, i've seemed to sortof keep one foot on the ground. maybe that's what i hate so much. i'd so much rather be all or nothing. i'll never go to zero-- never. but this 99% is killing me.
can somebody give me a swift kick in the rear or something? just push me head-first. just pull me in against my will. i'll thank you for it later.

<3

i know we've come so far

but baby, baby, we've got so far to go!

so, it totally smells like something died outside of my dorm. not cool.

so lately i've been revisiting the Mercy Seat, so to speak. relearning the meaning of repenting, and humbling, and love... dude i could devote every day of my life to learning love and never fully understand. my God is just that amazing!!

so here's a passage that i've been chewing on a bit.. you might enjoy a bit of chewing yourself ;)

Proverbs 4:23-27
Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the left or to the right; keep your foot from evil.

<3