i should have something incredible to write

but all i have is silly dissatisfaction and petty distractions.
i talk such big talk about changing the world, and sometimes i feel like i have nothing to show for it. i have such huge ideas... i'm a dreamer, and proudly so, but then, on nights like tonight, i pray for something more palpable. or maybe i'm just disappointed in myself for not having anything more palpable than i do.
true, in the grand scheme i'm not exactly sitting on my duff. i'm well on my way to my future... but today? what did i accomplish today? little enough, if you ask me. and tomorrow i lock myself in my dorm to finish a paper to please a professor to make the grade to look good on a transcript to please more professors with rubbish i can scarcely bring myself to care about. another day wasted for nonsense.
i spend so much time doing the necessary that its hard to find time for the important.

God, mess up my plans. i make flexibility such a huge principle that even that's structured. it's like trying to plan for the unexpected. que??

*sigh*
what am i supposed to say? i mean, does this even have any merit or is it just writer's melancholy that won't make any difference in truth. truth.... there's another tangent.
but really. am i legitimately frustrated, or do i just need another slap on the hand for the same sidestep i've made too many times? don't read too far into that... i'm pretty sure only God and i actually know whats behind it.

distracted...
someone very close to me asked me not so long ago, "are you distracted or devoted?"
devoted...
good question.
in the Bible, that word devoted denotes a giving or committing that cannot be undone. Charam. there's no questioning or altering, and there's certainly no going back.

so where does that leave me?
there's certainly no going back. i've committed my life to Christ, and i have no intentions of turning to either side.
what then?
i've committed my life, but have i committed my days? why do i sometimes feel like i'm just wasting time on this path until i come to some significant milestone? i have no intentions of turning to either side, so why does it still seem difficult not to look to the left or the right? am i only rambling nonsense? am i asking too many rhetorical questions?

honestly though, is this restlessness entirely me? some people have said that it's because i'm young and haven't settled down... i pray that isn't true. if i have to settle for this to go away then maybe i'll just live with it. but i don't think that's it. there's got to be something stirring, other than me. maybe i only still question because i haven't thrown myself completely into the fray. i admit, i've seemed to sortof keep one foot on the ground. maybe that's what i hate so much. i'd so much rather be all or nothing. i'll never go to zero-- never. but this 99% is killing me.
can somebody give me a swift kick in the rear or something? just push me head-first. just pull me in against my will. i'll thank you for it later.

<3