because i can

two in one day... because i want to vent. Or, perhaps whine would be closer to the truth.

a long time ago, it was prophesied over me that i would be like an explosion. basically, that i would be in some people's lives the blast that tears down whats already there and clears the way for God to build something new. In a way, this has been true. At that time, I didn't really know what to expect of that. I mean... it sounded god i suppose... i don't know how i'm going to be the clearing dynamite for God's building projects... i guess i just kinda figured i was gonna be so hardcore for Christ it would just blow peoples minds. And maybe that's happened. But on the other hand, i can think of a few instances where it's not so pretty as it sounds. And i feel alot more like 9/11 than dynamite joe. Things have happened and someone's mindset about who they are and who God is and this world and the people around them are completely revamped and it's for the better, and at the end of it all i look like the complete bad guy. It really doesn't look like i was a planned part of the building process, it just looks like i was some huge natural disaster that God somehow brought some good out of. and i know its not necessarily how it looks to me or another person or everybody else that's really important in the grand scheme but... it still kinda hurts.
people tell me all the time how amazing i am and yet its pretty much plain and obvious how much i'm really not. i'm supposed to be a light to the world and all i can think is that i wouldn't really want to look at me.. dont see whats so special. and if i really am... then how come it always seems like it's a matter of time until im back in that same place watching everybody else at the groundbreaking ceremony, and no idea why i'm not?
i don't know... i guess it's good to get some thoughts out...