How Long Can A Man Go Without Eating Before He Starves?

How long can a performer go without performing before she suffocates?

How long can I stay away from the stage before I break?

How long? How much can I take? I feel like Hercules, trying to swim through the river of the dead to reach Meg before he dies. Either I'll reach my goal, grasp my desire and feel immortality; or I'll just.. die. Every time I see someone else doing a production.. even one that I have no real desire to do... I crack just a little, and go a little more numb once the dull ache wears away after a few days. No one ever talks about this side of passion.. the hard side...


Oh, every time we say goodbye... I cry, a little...
Every time we say goodbye... I sigh, a little..
Every time...

Every time we say goodbye, I die, a little..
Every time we say goodbye.. I wonder why a little....

Every time .

Rant

So I just looked at the cast list for Little Women.

And I'm a little Miffed.

So I'm going to blog about it :)

The thing that irks me is, the production cast for Little Women is more than half Community Members-- not students. I think there are like 3 or 4 students cast, total. And it's a student production! At a college! I understand that some of them are not as strong as the Community Members, but guess what? That's because the Community Members are alumni! I'm really disappointed with Brad and Mark. I kinda just think that's not right. It's not like they didn't have anything to work with. (Ok, for the part of Laurie they kindof didn't have anything to work with, student-wise. That I'll give them.) Well, anyway.. I disagree. That's all.

Reported Meltdown.. screw global warming.

It's a fine line that I teeter between determined and depressed sometimes. The same fine line that I totter between motivated and melt-down. Last night was a melt-down. It's overwhelming sometimes to feel like I'm working so hard to get where I want to be, working toward the vision of my life that I'm clinging to... and feel like I'm still getting nowhere. It's like trying to swim across the pool, but you're just treading water. Swimming against the current I guess.. wow, that really is a good analogy! Anyway, last night was one of those nights where it just put me over the edge to hear about everybody auditioning and doing productions and starting classes.... It was just so frustrating. Why am I not doing those things? I'm not being ungrateful, really I'm not. I'm SO thankful for the life I have, and God has been so so good to me. It's just that, this isn't what He told me I was going to be doing. This isn't what He showed me. And I know, I'm being patient, I'm being faithful... but it still hurts. It literally breaks my heart to be doing mundane jobs from day to day, not creating anything. It will help when I'm making money.. At least that's a measurable progress, you know? Anyway. I had my spaz out, got it out of my system, and regained control of myself. I can do this, and do it well. And enjoy it. I refuse to miss out on the joy of life just because I have to take care of business for a bit.

On another note, I look super hott today ^_^ I'm wearing Jacob's tie (couldn't find mine this morning :/) and actually fixed myself up a bit... yeah. I look good :p

Half Wednesday, Half Friday

So today's Thursday. But it doesn't seem like a Thursday. Yesterday felt like a Thursday, and today feels like it should be a Friday. And yet, it's structured just like a Wednesday, and considering I haven't got much to look forward to event-wise and the weekend's not here yet, it also feels like a Wednesday. So It's Friday, and Wednesday, but not Thursday. Now to some it might make sense that a Thursday is like a split between a Wednesday and a Friday; it's half-way between the two, right? Not at all. This Thursday is all Wednesday and all Friday, in the same way that Jesus is all God and all Man. I know, right? Don't worry. You'll recover.

So the annual invitation-only Ministers' Conference is going on this week at KCM, and Its quite the hubbub. Everybody who's anybody is there :p I was even there, for a couple of days, working registration. It was exciting :) And it's always nice to get out of my cubicle for a little while and get some fresh air :p

I cooked dinner last night for Mark and me.. and Tiffanie too, but she ended up not being home, lol. I made Famous Butter Baked Chicken (which turned out AMAZING, though I say it myself), and green bean casserole (which I made wrong but it still turned out pretty good), and mashed potatoes (instant, cause Mark likes that kind.. blech) and Garlic Facaccio bread. Alright alright, I bought the bread. But it was pretty tasty :) And chocolate chip cookies for dessert.. Walmart brand :p yummm. I'm pretty proud of myself. And it was fun. I felt all wifey :p

I got my car back yesterday. It sounds kinda funny so it might have to go back to the shop again... I hope not. Still haven't got that second job. Hunting has been on hold until I got Ariele back. Monday I start for real putting myself out there at all the restaurants and places in Lewisville around my apt. Gotta make that dough! And, I've got a feeling I'm not gonna last much longer without something to distract myself. Mark and Tiffanie and everyone else has started school now, and rehearsals are starting for Rumors at LCT and Little Women at CTC... It's going to be bad enough being artistically and socially starved for the next months without adding sitting around at home to my to-do list. I'd rather not have time to think about it. I'd rather spend my time trying to catch up with an over-filled plate than pining for what I would rather have on it. My resolve has been made, and there's no going back. You know what that means.. head-first, full speed ahead!

<3

Naptime: The usual time for taking a nap.

Is it bad to be needing a nap at 6:00 a.m.? because, I kinda do. sleep last night was less than excellent. Was woken up a few times, and it was the kind when someone wakes you up from a really deep sleep when you were in the middle of a dream, and then your dream somehow mixes with your cognizance and everything is just really confusing and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And I was having a weird dream to begin with. I want to say it involved Mark's car being made out of chicken. Or something... idk. It was pretty crazy.

Anyway... I was gonna update about recent happenings and whatnot.. but I'm SO tired. Don't have the energy. Maybe tomorrow.

<3

zzzzzzzZZzZZZZZZZZZZ

Loneliness is a feeling...

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” --Paul Tillich

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” -- Henry Rollins

"The moments when I feel inspired are the moments when I feel most alone." --Anonymous


So, I suppose not many people know that loneliness is something that I struggle with more than most things. Not that I struggle with it constantly, or think that I'm alone, in any respect. And most people would be pretty shocked to hear that I struggle with it at all I think.. I have a lot of good friends. I have even more acquaintances. I have a loving family who I can always go to, and Mark's family is like a second family to me, and his friends are there for me just as they would be for him. And of course, I have Mark. And even when I have none of these for the moment, I have Jesus. You know, that friend that sticks closer than a brother...

But I guess that's the part that I struggle with every now and then. It's difficult, when I feel lonely, to remember that I'm not alone, even for the moment. If you know me at all you might guess I'm an extremely social person. And there's a reason for that; people are my passion. I have three major passions in my life: God, people, and art. Love God, Love People, create. That is what I want to do with my life. However and whenever I can. The rest, and what comes of it, are details that I leave up to God. But my aim is to always do those three, and to do them more than I did yesterday. So it's not surprising that most of the time, I'm with people. If not surrounded by people, then spending time with someone.

I don't like to be by myself. I like to at least have someone else in the same place as me... I hate having the house to myself. Not for safety, or anything like that. Maybe for security? Or maybe I'm just used to having someone else there. I don't like all the driving I do because it's so solitary. I don't like to feel isolated. I don't like to feel disconnected. If I'm reading a book, I'd rather be in the same room as someone else than different rooms, even though we're not talking to each other and I get less reading done. Anyway..
The thing is that I've realized, whenever I'm alone for an extended period of time.. like more than a few hours... I kinda start to feel lonely. And if I let myself, I can even feel sad lonely. I mean it's just a silly feeling and I know that I'm just fine in all reality, but still.. I'd rather not have it. Ya know? So my goal-- which I already do but aim to do more-- is, whenever I feel lonely or I'm physically alone and I don't like it, to make it God-time instead of alone-time. To consciously, instead of wishing for someone to talk to or be with at the moment, talk to God, or praise and worship. It helps a lot, if I just do it. I shouldn't be so lenient with my feelings. I think I will work on that. Add it to my list :p

Another Long Weekend

Well. Monday morning. And can I say, for once I am really looking forward to working 5 full days this week. No days off, no days called in, no vacation, or snow days.. Don't want 'em. Just five long days of good hard work-- that's what I'm looking for.

So last Wednesday I went straight home from work and passed out. Thursday I got up, not particularly excited about getting out of bed, but ready to make it a better day than Wednesday. I got about 5-10 min down the road, hit an ice patch, slid into the car that had already hit the ice patch (didn't hit hard, but enough to scratch up his front bumper a bit), and slid to a stop on the side of the road where I waited about 2 hours for a tow truck. The next two days consisted mainly of being overwhelmed, haggling about prices via my dad, getting yelled at by said dad for being young and naive and irresponsible and not having a clue about whats going on in the world around me (and wrecking his car again), figuring things out and getting my thoughts straight for a moment every now and then, then I'd have another load dumped on me and we'd go through that whole cycle again. At least that's what it felt like.
So I stayed the weekend at Mark's parents' because I didn't want to be by myself and Tiffanie was at her parents'. And, of course, I didn't have a car. lol. They were very kind and generous to let me hang around, but I think by the end of the weekend we were all ready for me to go home again. lol. Mark's mom is letting Mark drive her car though, so that I can drive Mark's car (Checkers) until Ariele is back on her feet. err.. wheels.
In the end everything is taken care of very reasonably for me. I have a little more debt now that needs to be paid off very soon, but God will take care of that just like He took care of this. And nobody was hurt through the whole ordeal, and I'm thankful for that as well. So, crisis resolved, life lesson learned, overall damage.. minimal :)

Can I say, (of course I can, it's my blog :p) .. It's alot easier to go through something when you're not doing it alone. Yes I know that God will always take care of me and the bottom line is to trust Him because He's the one that will work it out, rather than trusting in a person, and I've trusted Him all by myself and I know that He will be faithful whether I have a person next to me to stand with me or not. But can I just say, it's so much better when there's someone there to hold your hand and remind you that everything is going to be okay, and you know you're not doing it by yourself. I think that Mark (and all of the other people that were wonderful and supportive and ready to be selflessly helpful in any way they could) was a part of God's provision. Yes, He provided for the car, and the arrangements until the car is back on the road, and will provide everything I need for my funds to be comfortably paid in full.. but He also provided, and will continue to provide, the people to help me along the way. And for that I am most thankful. Amen.

<3

Addendum: I would like to add, Smuckers' Uncrustables are wonderful. That is all.

Just Shoot Me

Dear God, why did You have to make me a woman?? I'm kindof mad at you for that.

Dear uterus, it's okay, I hate you too.

Dear muscles, please calm down. Let's be rational.

Dear world, do not speak to me. This is not the time.

Dear face, it's okay. I understand.

Dear mom, you were so wrong. for real.

Dear Tylenol... where art thou?

Still Resolving :)

I've decided that New Year's resolutions can be made through the end of January and still be considered New Year's resolutions. lol. Mostly because I'm still feeling out new "resolutions".. things that I want to change or aim for in 2010.

So here we are, January 4, and I'm back at work. Still looking for a night job, but my expectations have changed somewhat. Rather than aiming to find a full-time job immediately and taking a full schedule of classes this semester, I'm looking for full-time or part-time at night (maybe waiting tables? it's not my first choice, but it's a possibility...) and planning on staying at KCM awhile longer. School can wait for one more semester, and I can be back full-steam next year without the pressure of debts and extra bills. So this is my get-myself-together semester. And, in the meantime, I can still work on design stuff, music, and hobbies.. maybe make some videos. :)
It wasn't my first choice course of action.. but that's alright. I'm still happy with it. For now.

And now, for the first time, I stop and think, "man. where did 2009 go?" Alot really did happen. And it wasn't a short year, at least for me. But half of it I hardly remember, or I can hardly believe it was the same me that lived those months. Ya know? And I can practically see 2010 going by in the blink of an eye. First the days are planned, then the weeks, then the months, and as I go through with things it's like the whole year is planned away and then finished off. But I trust God to make it more than that. He always does. With the Lord, my days will mean something, my weeks accomplish something, my months serve a purpose, and my year not go to waste. I'm excited. And I have no real idea of what to expect. But I'm thankful to be here for it, and to have people I love here with me for it. eeee! ^_^