Life-Size Or Less

NEW BLOG

2010-09-26T07:37:00.000-07:00

new blog is at http://chaelisays.wordpress.com/

check it out.

Moses

2010-05-03T10:21:00.000-07:00

So ever since the Lord led me over-so-graciously to Numbers, I'm really enjoying reading about Moses. He was a pretty great guy, and I love reading his exchanges with God. They were tight :)

It reminds me somewhat of sometimes I've heard Jesse Duplantis talk about his conversations with God.

^_^

2010-05-01T08:52:00.000-07:00

so.. I just learned a pretty huge lesson, about complaining. And as far as God's plan for your life, complaining is maybe the biggest thing you can do completely kill that.

So last night was rough. I felt very lonely, very left out, and very purposeless. What have I been accomplishing, being so far away from what I want to be doing. Never mind that on some level, I'm sure, I've been learning. And I've been complaining. Alot. And, funny thing, the more I complained about anything really, the worse that thing got. Only I was already making myself unhappy about it so until now I didn't even realize I was making it worse. It's amazing how blinding ungratefulness can be. and not in a good way.

But anyhow, so as I'm sitting there at 1:30 am, feeling sorry for myself and upset because I can't possibly see anything of value in anything I've been doing, and feeling like I have absolutely no one to lean on and share with while I'm in this horrifying limbo until I can feel like I'm making progress again, and angry at Mark for falling asleep when I was trying to talk about my feelings.... and eventually I just run out, of tears and of thoughts and of grievances, and I'm just so done with it all, and i can see this whole time how pitiful I'm being, and even how wrong I am, but it's like I can't help but just go on, because I'm too stubborn and lazy and whatever else to just open my Bible like I know from the beginning I needed to. So finally I do. And I'm not sure where to go, but I remember one reference, of all the references i've heard over and over again, only one comes to mind and i can't remember what it says but I go there: and it's Jeremiah 29:11. That's the verse I remembered. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a good future."
...perfect. Moments like that make me wonder how I ever lose sight of how much God loves me.
And then this morning I was reading in Numbers, Chapter 10&11, it's the tail end of the Israelite's journey to the edge of the promise land, and Moses sending the young men to go and explore, and they come back and they're all like "no, we're gonna die, wah wah wah."
Well there was ALOT of complaining going on. and so much was lost because they just couldn't keep their mouths shut and be greatful. Those Israelites were supposed to be the ones to go in and take the promised land that God had for them. And they lost that call on their life because they couldn't keep their eyes on the goal and keep from grumbling. After so much complaining, God finally said "Alright fine. You have such a problem with this? You don't want to walk through three years of uncomfortable journeying, in which you've wanted for nothing, so that I can put you in a land that's plentiful in every way for generations? Fine. You go back where you wanted to go, then. You just keep on complaining, and I'll get someone else to do it. Fine." They lost sight of what was before them, they stopped trusting that God had brought them where they were and was still leading them where He said He'd bring them, and they started complaining.

Lord help me if I ever go there again. I will never go there again. Forgive me Lord for being so impatient, and presumptuous, and ungrateful. From now on, I'm going to spend my time thankful, and trusting. period.

Stifling

2010-04-28T04:46:00.000-07:00

Lately I find my job stifling. Obviously the time constraints of my current employment have always been somewhat restrictive... but even more than that, you know?
Nobody talks about anything much, it seems like. I'm isolated alot of the time. Not only are we in our only silly little cubicles (for volume purposes, I understand) but we're also spread out, so that for most of the day I'm faced into a corner with no one within comfortable talking distance. Perhaps this is to maximize productivity. Well, we see here on my blog that I'm updating on the clock how well that is working :p.

Anyway. I think this job is just taxing for someone of my nature. I understand that the work we do every day makes a difference as a part of a very great cause... but it's still computer work. You know? Idk. Boo desk jobs. They're fine for people who somehow like the idea of sitting in the same place for hours at a time and staring at the inside of a building. I want windows. I want fresh air, and sunlight. Exercise would be nice too.

So Jacob applied for a youth pastor position at a church in CO. He and Grace seem really excited. I'm hoping that works out for them :) Seems like a really good fit for them, and no doubt they'd be happier there than they have been in TX. I would mostly hate working here if Jacob moved though. boo again. lol

So I read an article today about Sensory Perception Sensitivity. Studies suggest that this is a personality trait that a minority of people have. Basically, it means you process the world around you differently. Alot of times it displays itself in the form of shyness or introvertedness, or even eccentricity and sometimes social inhibitions and neuroticism. According to this article, that is. But I have to say, it makes alot of sense. Basically you're just super-sensitive to sensory input. SPS people tend to pay higher attention to detail, take in their surrounding, and be more greatly affected by their surroundings. They tend to be deep thinkers, deliberaters, take longer to finalize decisions, hold back in social settings and observe before "warming up", take a greater amount of time to themselves to process thoughts/events. They may be more conscientious, easily bored with frivolities like small talk, and [relatively]dramatically affected by things like crowds, noise, caffeine, and pain. Here's the link to the article if you'd like to read more: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36201866/ns/health-behavior/ns/health-behavior/

I'm pretty sure I'm SPS. Which might actually also have something to do with obsessive compulsive tendencies, maybe? Idk. The human mind is a wild and complex place.

Draw Your Own Conclusions

2010-04-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

So I just got off the phone with a man who wanted to know whether or not a person can lose their salvation. Is it once saved, always saved, or can you become un-saved?

We don't actually carry any products that answer that question specifically. We have plenty of products on salvation, what it means, what it entails, how do you get it, what do you do with it, why do you need it... But a doctrinal question like that, not really our focus. And this guy was so focused on getting an answer from Kenneth Copeland about whether or not a person can lose their salvation and why, he was so convinced that surely we would have a teaching over such a profound question.

I tried to explain to him that we're not going to be able to give him a yes or no answer.. that's not what we're about. You're bordering on philosophy there, and we don't get into philosophy, or debates. Our purpose as a teaching ministry is not to debate. It's to bring Christians from milk to meat, to teach believers to grow and mature in the Word. And if you're focused on whether or not you can lose your salvation, you're not focused on maturing in the Word. You know? So I explained this to him and said, I don't think you're going to be able to get a yes or no answer from Kenneth Copeland. And he said Kenneth already answered the question, he'd already said it, I just want to know why, how does he know, or something like that.

There's no pleasing that sort of person. They already have their answer but they want more of an answer. He wanted to know where in the Bible it talks about it, etc etc. Well, then the proper course of action if he cared so much about this one theological question would be to take all of this time and effort he's putting into finding out what one man thinks about it, and put that time and energy into looking into the Word himself and finding out for himself what it says about it. You know? Some people just want you to answer all their questions for them. And I mean, it's wise to learn what you can from other people. sure. But not to depend on someone else's knowledge for your own learning and/or satisfaction.

You have all the same resources we do. It's just easier for you if we use them for you.

From Glory to Glory

2010-04-14T05:53:00.000-07:00

Have I used that title before? I bet I have... You know, I lose track.

What do you call the transition between a transition and a transition? Sounds like my life, I think. Always looking forward, always heading for something new.

Well, summer's coming up, and with it changed, no doubt. And choices already. I've been offered the job to Stage Manage for Dallas Young Artists again. And I'd really love to do it, but at the same time, earning money might need to be my priority this summer. I'm not sure I'll be able to pay things, you know, on the amount that they're offering. Well, anyway. If I can't do it, I suppose it's not the end of the world. So many options, and possibilities that I've been looking at lately. What am I going to do when I finish my Associates at Collin? Well there are a few things that I would like to do. I've been looking at a few degrees at FullSail University. Online Degrees, as it were... Ones that I think would fit and aid very nicely in these plans I have in this abstract head of mine. But i haven't looked into it and organized my thoughts enough just yet to really expound upon all that. Needless to say, there will definitely be some more looking in happening. :p

I wanna be done transitioning to transitioning. In fact I wanna be done transitioning, and just live somewhere for awhile. It's nice to be somewhere instead of in-between somewhere for a change.

must do somethinggg

2010-04-08T06:48:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling all unproductive at the moment. But it's because all of my deskwork is done and I won't be given anything more to do until 9:30... and I have all this energy and things racing around my mind that need to be taken care of but can't be right at this second.

My new phone is on it's way. But I need to call AT&T asap and make sure they're not going to bill me because there's a spot on my screen that's not a crack and they made it sound like it's not physical damage but I'm not sure I'm feeling all iffy about it and if it is then theyre going to charge me $200 for returning a non-warrantied phone, when if they'd been straight and told me no you need to make an insurance claim I'd only be paying $50. So I'd rather just pay the $50 if need be and not have to worry about them being all "no! you returned a smashed up phone!!" but of course if it is covered by warranty, I'd just as soon get a free new phone. So I need to call and make sure. Asap.
The other thing that I want to have out of the way but can't do anything about yet is my tax return... it's still not in yet, but they said it looks like it should still be coming in their system, so if i don't have it by tomorrow to call back and ask again. I'm a little upset about this... see previous references to our government and it's efficiency (or lack thereof). All I'm saying is, I wish that I was in the position to stop them from taking any more pockets of the economy, just for the sake of anything at all ever getting done. *sigh*

On a happier note, Mark and I rented Adventureland last night. Definitely not the best movie in the world, but hanging out was way fun. I don't remember the last time we had that good a time just watching a movie together. This makes me happy :)

<3

side note

2010-04-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

i've had this blog for two years this month.
to be perfectly honest, I don't think I ever really intended for it to last that long. I don't think I ever even thought that far into the future.

also, it's time to get into shape, for reals. I'm tired of fluctuating, it makes me feel flabby and insecure. Not to mention it's not useful to not be able to run long when yo're trying to keep up with the boys in sports. So starting today I'm doing like an hour of cardio every day. Get it!!

Spring Fever

2010-04-06T04:24:00.000-07:00

So that last post was a bit of a downer. An optimistic downer maybe, but still prety low. lol. Today's going to look up a bit.

My tax return is due today. It hasn't shown up yet, but I'm not going to freak about it unless it's still not here by tomorrow. That would be pretty not okay.

I still feel a bit of anxiety over money and debt issues. and by a bit, I mean.. sometimes it's really alot. I'm not much closer to paying off my car than I was before I took that awful crappy job at Pizza Hut. But I'm hanging in there, and mustering my faith for it. I don't really know how to use my faith for finances, but I suppose I'm in as good a time and place to learn as anyone could ask for,huh? May as well get started... Lord, help me...

so all this restlessness I've been feeling lately, that's been causing all this trouble, I realized this morning bears all the telltale characteristics of Spring Fever. It's a new season, everything's blossoming, and I feel like I'm not. I feel like things should be changing so it drives me crazy when they just stay the SAME. also, it's twitterpation season. As my old english prof used to say, "it's that season when you all break up with your boyfriends" lol. Except, despite occasional frustrations, I just like Mark more :) but even that has a little flavor of spring fever. Everything's blossoming, and i get all crazy and want to be together all the time, which can have kindof a smothering effect. Hey don't judge me this is my blog! I'm just being honest, embarrassing though it is...

I'm ready for summer though. I'm ready to do things. I'm ready for experiences like DYA to be here for my to give my attentions to. I'm ready to not be in lewisville, or freaking fort worth. I'm ready to have a life where I don't have to plan hours ahead just to see anybody. I'm ready to be living my own life, doing things that make sense, not spending 90% doing things and going places that I don't have any interest in just because I'm stuck doing it!! please can I fast forward just three months? please??

you see what things are like inside my head right now? raging mad. Well you know what spring? you can take your feverish restlessness, and you can suck it. That's right. SUCK IT.

Happy Easter

2010-04-05T04:50:00.000-07:00

All of the holidays seem to have been strange this year. Different, you know? Not all festive and effortless the way I tend to remember them. Not much happening... Not much sense of what anything is about. I don't think I like it.

This past weekend was in the same current. A large part of it was being preoccupied with relationship things. Mark and I seem to be having to work quite a bit to be on the same page lately. Every relationship has that, I suppose. Sometimes communication is better than others, sometimes things are easier than they will be other times. A hundred different factors are part of why things have been a bit of a struggle. There's alot of things to work on. But I suppose there always are.
The one thing that makes me feel more peaceful about it though, even when things are hard, is knowing that neither of us are just going to give up. Over the past 9 months, there have been a few opportunities for both of us to just walk away, cut our losses or whatever you want to call it. Say enough is enough and that we don't want to try anymore. Saturday was one of those chances. Either of us could have walked away and said that making things work is just hard and I don't want to try anymore. But I know that I'll never make that choice. When you love someone, it's worth working through the tough parts to make your life together better. When you love someone, it's worth sticking with them just to be with them. And to be completely honest.. when you love someone.. there's not much of a choice sometimes. You're going to love them, whether it's hard or not.

That's about where I'm at, I guess.

<3

Aprils foolishness

2010-04-01T04:38:00.000-07:00

I missed the read-through for Angels, Inc. I really wanted to go, but it was on Sunday night, and it didn't start until 11 pm. It's hard enough to be at work at 6 on Monday morning without being up until 2 am the night before. So I skipped. Sad day. Rehearsals start next weekend though, and that I am excited about.

Last day at Pizza Hut was a doosey. I have freedom now, and it's lovely :) Tuesday I hung out with Matt after work, and Wednesday I was completely lazy and took a nap. Glorious.

As of this coming Tuesday, when I get my tax return, my credit card will be completely paid off (Praise the Lord!!) and my new, strict, savings-oriented budget will officially kick in. It's not that I didn't give myself much money to spend, it's just that I'm strictly going to spend only the amount that I gave myself. yep :) I'm excited for this new system. I've got one more check from Pizza hut coming in that will kick off my new and improved savings regimen, and it's all uphill from there! There's still kindof a big dark void beyond May when Angels Inc closes, but we'll cope with that when we get there, eh? I'm trying to be trusting and not stress about it now. I need a little more reinforcement though.

So today begins April. What the heck? I'm loving spring, enjoying it immensely, and at the same time looking forward to next spring when I'll be able to go for morning runs and see the sun rise and actually appreciate all of it and not be cooped up inside so much. And not be in Lewisville -.- lol. I really am really really looking forward to moving to Plano. yay :) But more on those plans as they develop.

Nothing planned for April Fools today. I'm just waiting to see what Mark has up his sleeve though. hrmmm

This is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it.

What's the Story, Morning Glory?

2010-03-22T04:13:00.000-07:00

In an unrelated note to the rest of the blog, that title is actually a quote from Bye-Bye Birdie... a musical that I actually don't like at all. I rather dislike it in fact. It's quite awful.

So, today's my first day back from Spring Break vacation. No, technically I don't have a spring break since I'm not technically in school at the moment... but Mark does, and so does everyone else, so I took the week off of work to go out of town with them. We went to Corpus Christi. It was great fun :) I didn't take nearly enough pictures. :(
Sow e got back from Corpus late Wednesday night... then thurs-fri we had a day-at-the-lake/campout/everybody crash in Lindsey's room adventure. lol. That was also fun, albeit cold. Mark had his first experience on a jetski :)

of course, thursday friday and sunday I still had to work at Pizza Hut. Friday I turned in my two weeks notice. Now I know what you're thinking, "already? but you just started!"
Yes I know. And generally I'll stick it out a bit more, but there are enough factors in favor of quitting in this case that I don't think it's worth it to work low-paying three-hour shifts at a job I don't like. Yesterday I went in, and Leanne, the head cook, said "I heard you gave your two weeks notice, Rebekah" And I said "yeah." She said "Well that's..." And Richard, the second manager, says "good for you. I'd get out of this hellhole if I could, too!" and Leanne said "Pssht. me too."

...I think that's a pretty good indication that I don't really want to work there. Lol. So next Saturday I believe is my last day. I think. Not really sure. He may schedule me a few more days after that. I kinda hope not. But we'll see.

This coming sunday is going to be a bigish day. Mark and I are taking our parents (And granny) out to Chili's for dinner, because they've never met. They all seemed a little apprhensive about it at first, until we told them that no, we don't have any big news to share or anything like that. We just think we oughta get the parents together, since we've been dating for about 9 months and they've never met at all. But after that they seemed to ease up a bit :p I'm looking forward to it... I think it'll be fun :)
Then after that there's the Angels, Inc. read-through. I'm not looking forward to how late it's gonna be, but I am looking forward to the read-through, I suppose. Oh but I haven't told you about that yet. Ah well, this post is already quite full. Another time :)

<3

Politics and Puzzles.. and Muzzles....

2010-03-12T04:31:00.000-08:00

I'm just going to copy and paste an IM convo that Jacob and I had about politics. It's not much, and not that intense, don't worry. Just my opinion. I don't feel good about what the White House is pushing for right now. I'm sure he's got the best of intentions, but he needs to check himself.
ok here we go...

rebekah says:
shakes head
Jacob says:
why's that?
rebekah says:
i think Obama is getting a little too big for his britches
Jacob says:
sadly, i havent been keeping up with politics
rebekah says:
and biting off an awful lot to chew
i havent much either, just read an article or two on whats going on with the health reform bill
i must say, i disapprove.
Jacob says:
hey, good news out of LA. a federal court reversed itself on the Pledge of Allegiance, that it doesnt impead religious freedom in schools... Since 2002 most schools took out "Under God"
but they can put it back in now!
rebekah says:
awesome!
probably because i went to school in texas, but i never realised it had been taken out. we always said it
Jacob says:
so what dont you like about the health care bill... i'll tell you one thing i dont... I aint paying for anyone's abortion!
rebekah says:
that's the main thing
Jacob says:
me too
rebekah says:
well i mean i disapprove of government healthcare in general, if not on principle then even based solely on the efficiency of everything else the government runs. (DPS anyone?)
Jacob says:
social security anyone?
rebekah says:
based on experience, processes that have to go through the government are at least twice as frustrating and time-consuming as private institutions, and the reason for that is that unlike the private sector, the government doesn't have to strive to always be improving, and there are too many people in the government bogging down updates, policy changes, and improvements
Jacob says:
true dat!
rebekah says:
I'm not comfortable with those characteristics being applied to health care, whether they can pay for it or not. I'm all about making sure that everyone can get the treatment they need to the best of our ability, but I'm not about being irresponsible about it.
i also think that social security has had a huge negative impact on our now-lower class. yes it helps them get by, but it tends to keep them at getting-by. What would happen if we applied that to medicine as well?
mostly i just think it's not the government's job. if the government wants to found organizations to finance medical treatment and promote awareness, that's fully within their rights a privileges. But taking over 1/3 of the American economy is not. Plainly speaking.
all that being said, my real problem with the news on this bill is that theyre pushing so hard to pass it with out any regard to legitimate concerns like the abortion provisions. They're rushing a decision when they should be concerned that such a substantial part of congress has serious misgivings.
you don't "do it now and fix it later"-- you do it right the first time. I don't know how or where the govt got the idea that it's ok to pass a sloppy and objectionable law with the promise or intention of "fixing it later" that's bull.
Jacob says:
thats politics dear!
look i dont think that health care should be completely on the shoulders of the government or the private sector... I think that with certain governmental mandations as to profit margins on the pharmecutical companies will make the overall price of healthcare go down and accessible to most people. Did you know that a viagra pill is about $2-$5/pill? It cost Phizer like $.27 to make it. thats like
1000% profit! which causes the doctors office to charge more, and the patient to pay more.
there is a medium with government having a small hand in it...
the government was set up to govern, not dictate.
rebekah says:
right
Jacob says:
there are issues here that are far beyond health care... its an overall mindset that needs to change... go back to what the nation was founded on and why we started the nation in the first place.
rebekah says:
spoken like a true republican
Jacob says:
hahaha!
i get it from my Paw Paw
i'm actually a leaning constitutionalist...
rebekah says:
personally I don't see anything wrong with that in the case of viagra. It's not an imperative treatment, it's not essential. No one's life or well-being is depending on it, so I don't see anything wrong with making a profit there
Jacob says:
agreed. just an example
but that goes for most pills...
rebekah says:
I mean it goes for my dermatology treatment too
Jacob says:
whats wrong is that the ones that are "life saving" are hiked up even more because there is more of a demand for them...
rebekah says:
at the same time, that's what insurance is for. And if you can't afford insurance, you probably shouldn't be spending money on spending more time gettin' it on
excuse my language >_<
Jacob says:
hahaha!
thats another issue altogether! we can get into that when we have more time......
rebekah says:
right. see, and THAT is what should be regulated by the government. Advise by unbiased medical professionals. in an ideal world that is
Jacob says:
yep!
i totally agree with that!
rebekah says:
right right
i gotta get back to work >_>

Robin's a fool.

2010-03-11T05:44:00.000-08:00

She didn't cast Mark.
He was pretty upset about it, but I think he had a right to be. It's tough dealing with that kind of disappointment. And in the theatre world, these things are never really justifiable or explainable. It's all in the director's eye. She she made it a heck of a decision for her, that's for sure. I wonder how long it will take her to realise that Mark could have brought something to this show that her current cast never will. Oh sure, her choice will be the stereotypical gay guy that everyone's expecting, and he'll be able to mimic the movie well enough and get across the point that he's playing his lover or whatever.. who cares. Anyone can do that. But I rather doubt there will be any more dimension to the character than that. Then again, you never know. He might surprise me. Just because Mark would have been fathoms better doesn't mean he won't be good right? I should probably give him a chance.

In other news, Jon Christie is putting together another production and has already offered both Mark and me parts. Not sure which parts yet, as the script is not quite finished. I think I might take him up on that offer though, despite time constraints and whatnot. We shall see.

So here are the things I want to get started on/done this week, if possible:
- scrapbook and some starter scrap-booking stuff (just the basics, minimum spending :)
- disposable cameras for spring break (and whatever else)
- painting #2; #1 turned out pretty good, and I've had a couple more ideas for some simple-yet-cool paintings bouncing around for awhile. I'm going to try and start that this afternoon.
- job apps/ info about portfolios and maybe getting started in some modeling. I don't know how realistic that option is, but it's worth a try isn't it? And there's no time like the present to get a move on it...

In health-related thoughts, I've stopped taking my vitamins. I think this practice needs to reconvene asap. But I'm starting to shape up again :) I've been working out but I think I need to step it up a bit more. I'm going to find an intense cardio workout that I can aim for about 3 times a week with. I think Susan has a good one :) Depending on the results, another 2-week veggie fast might be called for. I don't like the feeling of just eating carbs all the time.

ok. done combing through my thoughts and thinking through my fingers. this post didn't have much of a purpose but for me to get these thoughts out and look at them. anywho, enjoy :)

like a speeding bullet

2010-03-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

This week's gone by pretty quickly. Which is a welcome change from recent happenings, a bit. Now that I'm finally busy, or at least occupied, things have a sort of rhythm again and it's nice. It's easier to enjoy what I'm doing when I'm doing something. And it's easier to not mind not particularly enjoying something if I've got something to look forward to, ya know? So I'm happy :) God is good.

Spring break is coming up!!
And, although I'm not taking classes and therefore don't myself technically have a spring break... I'm celebrating anyway. I'm going on vacation with Mark and Chelsea and Collin. I could think of other people I'd rather go with, but they're cool and they're the ones who want to go, so we're gonna go with the flow :) I'm so excited. It will be cheap, but super fun, and a much-needed break for all involved. The plan is to head down to Corpus Cristi for a few days, hit the beach, do some hot tubbing, and some much needed relaxing! I can't wait. ^_^

So Mark had Cruel Intentions auditions this week... we'll find out in a few hours who got cast... He did so well though. Everyone said he was wonderful, and I saw the raw cut of his monologue, before he perfected it. It was good. He was really good. Robin's a fool if she doesn't cast him.
Oh, but I so wish I could have auditioned. It was rough working at Pizza hut whilst everyone else was at auditions. Sitting this season out has been hard. But I made the decision to put school and theatre (career, basically...) on the back-burner until I have things taken care of financially. There have been some unexpected expenses this year, and some of them were real doosies. But not to worry! I'm trusting that it is all taken care of, and some things have already come together to get this debt completely wiped out. :) I'm expecting my tax return by the end of the month, and that will make a big difference :) And then, working double and with a little help I'll be able to make hopefully at least 2 extra car payments each month, which should really speed up the process. I'm really optimistic about this. Sure Pizza Hut is pretty lame so far, but as soon as I get back from spring break, and maybe even before, I'm on the hunt again for a better replacement :)

Tiffanie's started scrapbooking...
I think I just might jump on that band wagon... you know, I already take pictures at all the shows I do. I think perhaps I should start documenting them :) and I can add in some other fun/significant experiences... I think I'm gonna do it. And keep the cost to a minimum while I'm at it ;)

I'm sure I have more thoughts I could catch up with, but this post's getting a bit long, so we'll leave it here. Besides, I need to get to work. Lots to do!

Until tomorrow, then.

<3

I'm not putting things off, I'm just not getting them done yet.

2010-02-08T09:34:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Please refer to Jan 6th's post -.-

So I know I said I'd review The Rally. And I know also that I haven't actually done it yet. I'm still going to review it. However, when I saw it, I saw the first edit cut... it's been edited quite a bit more, but I've not seen the fully edited presentation. I think it would be unfair of me to review the unfinished product. I will say that I went to see it with high hopes and less optimistic expectations, and the film landed closer to my expectations than my hopes. I will also say that Kenneth Copeland played his role exceptionally well. More to come, when I see the movie when it comes out.

So I've got about an hour and a half left here at work, and then I was supposed to go put in more job apps at the restaurants around Lewisville. Idk if that's going to happen today, for a few reasons. Not the least of them being that I dont feel or look all that great.It might just have to wait until tomorrow.

More later :)

A Hard Thing

2010-02-02T04:11:00.000-08:00

So I just read an article about a 13-yr-old girl who has lipodystrophy, which makes her look about 50. It's a disorder where the lipid layer beneath the skin breaks down and is unable to support the skin, but the skin keeps growing, often at a faster than normal rate, causing wrinkling, sagging, etc-- effects one normally sees with age.

That's a hard enough thing.. that a young girl has to deal with that in day to day life. But that's not what really bothered me most about the whole situation.

As you read on, the article explains that lipodystrophy is an extremely rare (only 2000 people globally have it) hereditary disorder, passed from parent to child. In this case, mother to child. The girl's mother has four children, and three of them have the disorder. That's 2% of the entire lipodystrophic population in one family. Very sad, yes. Would I have chosen to have children rather than adopt, knowing there's a very high chance of them having the same disorder that has made my life complicated and extremely difficult? No. I wouldn't. But that's not my right to say for anyone else. The girl's mother has had a very hard life, largely because of this disorder, and has according to the article been through a "string of bad relationships." ...Which, in the end, translates to: all four of her children have different fathers, and their fathers are not in their lives. They now live on public assistance. Now, I realize that this is a sadly common situation. And in my opinion, the fact that she has lipodystrophy does not make it any better or worse. But it's very, very sad. Their condition, particularly this 13-yr-old's (which is a more accute case than any of the others) can be helped (not cured as far as we know, but covered up) with plastic surgery and facial treatments. Now, that's not the most healthy choice and it certainly doesn't make everything better. But for a thirteen-yr-old girl who just wants to have a life? It's something. But it's not even an option in their minds, because the family is on PA.

This whole story makes me rage on the inside. It's the devil taking what isn't his from God's people. It's people living in ignorance, and especially the young children who aren't being taught that THEY'RE WORTH SO MUCH. That little girl is beautiful, whether her skin looks old or not. But nobody tells her that. She gets teased at school to the point that she doesn't like to get up in the morning, and her mother just wallows and feels sorry for her. She doesn't encourage her, she doesn't help her... Her mother has the same disorder and because she's spent her whole life feeling sorry for herself and devaluing herself, that's the same way that she treats her children. And I'm not judging her life because no, I can't imagine what she's gone through, and ESPECIALLY if she didn't have the Lord to lean on... I only wish she knew, how much she could help her kids. Yes, I think it's irresponsible to have 4 kids by different fathers period. Let alone when their fathers won't be there for them. Let alone when you can't support them. Let alone when you know they'll have severe disorders when they're born. I don't think that's okay. Hard life or not, when you have a child, your own needs and wants take a back seat. Period.
But when you have kids... wouldn't you strive, to make a life for them? To encourage them and tell them that they can do anything they want? ESPECIALLY if there's something in their life that makes it harder than the average person, like this disorder. Wouldn't you tell them every day, wouldn't you teach them, that that can't hold them back unless they let it? That it makes them stronger, that they're beautiful, that they can do anything another person can if they want it badly enough? And that God loves them.... I'd tell them. Even if I didn't believe it I'd tell them. I'd make sure they knew. No one should have to get up in the morning feeling like no one in the world loves them, and that they're not worth seeing.

How Long Can A Man Go Without Eating Before He Starves?

2010-01-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

How long can a performer go without performing before she suffocates?

How long can I stay away from the stage before I break?

How long? How much can I take? I feel like Hercules, trying to swim through the river of the dead to reach Meg before he dies. Either I'll reach my goal, grasp my desire and feel immortality; or I'll just.. die. Every time I see someone else doing a production.. even one that I have no real desire to do... I crack just a little, and go a little more numb once the dull ache wears away after a few days. No one ever talks about this side of passion.. the hard side...

Oh, every time we say goodbye... I cry, a little...
Every time we say goodbye... I sigh, a little..
Every time...

Every time we say goodbye, I die, a little..
Every time we say goodbye.. I wonder why a little....

Every time .

Rant

2010-01-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

So I just looked at the cast list for Little Women.

And I'm a little Miffed.

So I'm going to blog about it :)

The thing that irks me is, the production cast for Little Women is more than half Community Members-- not students. I think there are like 3 or 4 students cast, total. And it's a student production! At a college! I understand that some of them are not as strong as the Community Members, but guess what? That's because the Community Members are alumni! I'm really disappointed with Brad and Mark. I kinda just think that's not right. It's not like they didn't have anything to work with. (Ok, for the part of Laurie they kindof didn't have anything to work with, student-wise. That I'll give them.) Well, anyway.. I disagree. That's all.

Reported Meltdown.. screw global warming.

2010-01-22T06:20:00.000-08:00

It's a fine line that I teeter between determined and depressed sometimes. The same fine line that I totter between motivated and melt-down. Last night was a melt-down. It's overwhelming sometimes to feel like I'm working so hard to get where I want to be, working toward the vision of my life that I'm clinging to... and feel like I'm still getting nowhere. It's like trying to swim across the pool, but you're just treading water. Swimming against the current I guess.. wow, that really is a good analogy! Anyway, last night was one of those nights where it just put me over the edge to hear about everybody auditioning and doing productions and starting classes.... It was just so frustrating. Why am I not doing those things? I'm not being ungrateful, really I'm not. I'm SO thankful for the life I have, and God has been so so good to me. It's just that, this isn't what He told me I was going to be doing. This isn't what He showed me. And I know, I'm being patient, I'm being faithful... but it still hurts. It literally breaks my heart to be doing mundane jobs from day to day, not creating anything. It will help when I'm making money.. At least that's a measurable progress, you know? Anyway. I had my spaz out, got it out of my system, and regained control of myself. I can do this, and do it well. And enjoy it. I refuse to miss out on the joy of life just because I have to take care of business for a bit.

On another note, I look super hott today ^_^ I'm wearing Jacob's tie (couldn't find mine this morning :/) and actually fixed myself up a bit... yeah. I look good :p

Half Wednesday, Half Friday

2010-01-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

So today's Thursday. But it doesn't seem like a Thursday. Yesterday felt like a Thursday, and today feels like it should be a Friday. And yet, it's structured just like a Wednesday, and considering I haven't got much to look forward to event-wise and the weekend's not here yet, it also feels like a Wednesday. So It's Friday, and Wednesday, but not Thursday. Now to some it might make sense that a Thursday is like a split between a Wednesday and a Friday; it's half-way between the two, right? Not at all. This Thursday is all Wednesday and all Friday, in the same way that Jesus is all God and all Man. I know, right? Don't worry. You'll recover.

So the annual invitation-only Ministers' Conference is going on this week at KCM, and Its quite the hubbub. Everybody who's anybody is there :p I was even there, for a couple of days, working registration. It was exciting :) And it's always nice to get out of my cubicle for a little while and get some fresh air :p

I cooked dinner last night for Mark and me.. and Tiffanie too, but she ended up not being home, lol. I made Famous Butter Baked Chicken (which turned out AMAZING, though I say it myself), and green bean casserole (which I made wrong but it still turned out pretty good), and mashed potatoes (instant, cause Mark likes that kind.. blech) and Garlic Facaccio bread. Alright alright, I bought the bread. But it was pretty tasty :) And chocolate chip cookies for dessert.. Walmart brand :p yummm. I'm pretty proud of myself. And it was fun. I felt all wifey :p

I got my car back yesterday. It sounds kinda funny so it might have to go back to the shop again... I hope not. Still haven't got that second job. Hunting has been on hold until I got Ariele back. Monday I start for real putting myself out there at all the restaurants and places in Lewisville around my apt. Gotta make that dough! And, I've got a feeling I'm not gonna last much longer without something to distract myself. Mark and Tiffanie and everyone else has started school now, and rehearsals are starting for Rumors at LCT and Little Women at CTC... It's going to be bad enough being artistically and socially starved for the next months without adding sitting around at home to my to-do list. I'd rather not have time to think about it. I'd rather spend my time trying to catch up with an over-filled plate than pining for what I would rather have on it. My resolve has been made, and there's no going back. You know what that means.. head-first, full speed ahead!

<3

Naptime: The usual time for taking a nap.

2010-01-13T04:16:00.000-08:00

Is it bad to be needing a nap at 6:00 a.m.? because, I kinda do. sleep last night was less than excellent. Was woken up a few times, and it was the kind when someone wakes you up from a really deep sleep when you were in the middle of a dream, and then your dream somehow mixes with your cognizance and everything is just really confusing and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. And I was having a weird dream to begin with. I want to say it involved Mark's car being made out of chicken. Or something... idk. It was pretty crazy.

Anyway... I was gonna update about recent happenings and whatnot.. but I'm SO tired. Don't have the energy. Maybe tomorrow.

<3

zzzzzzzZZzZZZZZZZZZZ

Loneliness is a feeling...

2010-01-12T04:21:00.000-08:00

“Language... has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone.” --Paul Tillich

“Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.” -- Henry Rollins

"The moments when I feel inspired are the moments when I feel most alone." --Anonymous

So, I suppose not many people know that loneliness is something that I struggle with more than most things. Not that I struggle with it constantly, or think that I'm alone, in any respect. And most people would be pretty shocked to hear that I struggle with it at all I think.. I have a lot of good friends. I have even more acquaintances. I have a loving family who I can always go to, and Mark's family is like a second family to me, and his friends are there for me just as they would be for him. And of course, I have Mark. And even when I have none of these for the moment, I have Jesus. You know, that friend that sticks closer than a brother...

But I guess that's the part that I struggle with every now and then. It's difficult, when I feel lonely, to remember that I'm not alone, even for the moment. If you know me at all you might guess I'm an extremely social person. And there's a reason for that; people are my passion. I have three major passions in my life: God, people, and art. Love God, Love People, create. That is what I want to do with my life. However and whenever I can. The rest, and what comes of it, are details that I leave up to God. But my aim is to always do those three, and to do them more than I did yesterday. So it's not surprising that most of the time, I'm with people. If not surrounded by people, then spending time with someone.

I don't like to be by myself. I like to at least have someone else in the same place as me... I hate having the house to myself. Not for safety, or anything like that. Maybe for security? Or maybe I'm just used to having someone else there. I don't like all the driving I do because it's so solitary. I don't like to feel isolated. I don't like to feel disconnected. If I'm reading a book, I'd rather be in the same room as someone else than different rooms, even though we're not talking to each other and I get less reading done. Anyway..
The thing is that I've realized, whenever I'm alone for an extended period of time.. like more than a few hours... I kinda start to feel lonely. And if I let myself, I can even feel sad lonely. I mean it's just a silly feeling and I know that I'm just fine in all reality, but still.. I'd rather not have it. Ya know? So my goal-- which I already do but aim to do more-- is, whenever I feel lonely or I'm physically alone and I don't like it, to make it God-time instead of alone-time. To consciously, instead of wishing for someone to talk to or be with at the moment, talk to God, or praise and worship. It helps a lot, if I just do it. I shouldn't be so lenient with my feelings. I think I will work on that. Add it to my list :p

Another Long Weekend

2010-01-11T04:34:00.000-08:00

Well. Monday morning. And can I say, for once I am really looking forward to working 5 full days this week. No days off, no days called in, no vacation, or snow days.. Don't want 'em. Just five long days of good hard work-- that's what I'm looking for.

So last Wednesday I went straight home from work and passed out. Thursday I got up, not particularly excited about getting out of bed, but ready to make it a better day than Wednesday. I got about 5-10 min down the road, hit an ice patch, slid into the car that had already hit the ice patch (didn't hit hard, but enough to scratch up his front bumper a bit), and slid to a stop on the side of the road where I waited about 2 hours for a tow truck. The next two days consisted mainly of being overwhelmed, haggling about prices via my dad, getting yelled at by said dad for being young and naive and irresponsible and not having a clue about whats going on in the world around me (and wrecking his car again), figuring things out and getting my thoughts straight for a moment every now and then, then I'd have another load dumped on me and we'd go through that whole cycle again. At least that's what it felt like.
So I stayed the weekend at Mark's parents' because I didn't want to be by myself and Tiffanie was at her parents'. And, of course, I didn't have a car. lol. They were very kind and generous to let me hang around, but I think by the end of the weekend we were all ready for me to go home again. lol. Mark's mom is letting Mark drive her car though, so that I can drive Mark's car (Checkers) until Ariele is back on her feet. err.. wheels.
In the end everything is taken care of very reasonably for me. I have a little more debt now that needs to be paid off very soon, but God will take care of that just like He took care of this. And nobody was hurt through the whole ordeal, and I'm thankful for that as well. So, crisis resolved, life lesson learned, overall damage.. minimal :)

Can I say, (of course I can, it's my blog :p) .. It's alot easier to go through something when you're not doing it alone. Yes I know that God will always take care of me and the bottom line is to trust Him because He's the one that will work it out, rather than trusting in a person, and I've trusted Him all by myself and I know that He will be faithful whether I have a person next to me to stand with me or not. But can I just say, it's so much better when there's someone there to hold your hand and remind you that everything is going to be okay, and you know you're not doing it by yourself. I think that Mark (and all of the other people that were wonderful and supportive and ready to be selflessly helpful in any way they could) was a part of God's provision. Yes, He provided for the car, and the arrangements until the car is back on the road, and will provide everything I need for my funds to be comfortably paid in full.. but He also provided, and will continue to provide, the people to help me along the way. And for that I am most thankful. Amen.

<3

Addendum: I would like to add, Smuckers' Uncrustables are wonderful. That is all.

Just Shoot Me

2010-01-06T11:47:00.001-08:00

Dear God, why did You have to make me a woman?? I'm kindof mad at you for that.

Dear uterus, it's okay, I hate you too.

Dear muscles, please calm down. Let's be rational.

Dear world, do not speak to me. This is not the time.

Dear face, it's okay. I understand.

Dear mom, you were so wrong. for real.

Dear Tylenol... where art thou?

Still Resolving :)

2010-01-04T04:11:00.000-08:00

I've decided that New Year's resolutions can be made through the end of January and still be considered New Year's resolutions. lol. Mostly because I'm still feeling out new "resolutions".. things that I want to change or aim for in 2010.

So here we are, January 4, and I'm back at work. Still looking for a night job, but my expectations have changed somewhat. Rather than aiming to find a full-time job immediately and taking a full schedule of classes this semester, I'm looking for full-time or part-time at night (maybe waiting tables? it's not my first choice, but it's a possibility...) and planning on staying at KCM awhile longer. School can wait for one more semester, and I can be back full-steam next year without the pressure of debts and extra bills. So this is my get-myself-together semester. And, in the meantime, I can still work on design stuff, music, and hobbies.. maybe make some videos. :)
It wasn't my first choice course of action.. but that's alright. I'm still happy with it. For now.

And now, for the first time, I stop and think, "man. where did 2009 go?" Alot really did happen. And it wasn't a short year, at least for me. But half of it I hardly remember, or I can hardly believe it was the same me that lived those months. Ya know? And I can practically see 2010 going by in the blink of an eye. First the days are planned, then the weeks, then the months, and as I go through with things it's like the whole year is planned away and then finished off. But I trust God to make it more than that. He always does. With the Lord, my days will mean something, my weeks accomplish something, my months serve a purpose, and my year not go to waste. I'm excited. And I have no real idea of what to expect. But I'm thankful to be here for it, and to have people I love here with me for it. eeee! ^_^

Got To Give God The Glory

2009-12-31T05:14:00.000-08:00

..and I kinda left that out of my other post. Here's the important part:

God has been so gracious and faithful to me this past year. He has provided when I didn't know how He would do it. He has blessed me beyond anything that I could have asked for, and it's still comin'! He has been so gentle and taught me so much. And He's opened doors like I never would have thought possible.

And more than anything over this year, I'm thankful for the Love of God. No matter what else happens or where I find myself or with whom, doing whatever, His love covers me, and that will ALWAYS be good enough. And it always has :)

Thank you, Lord, for making this a spectacular year! :D

<3

Last Day of 2009

2009-12-31T04:25:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow begins 2010. Golly. Not that long ago, 2010 seemed like so far away. It still kinda does, you know? I don't even know if I can keep track of this whole last year. Alot of people recap and commemorate at the end of the year, but that's always been a little hard for me. There are just so many directions, you know? Anyway..

What I CAN do is look forward. I've never much been one for New Year's resolutions, just because it seems whenever a New Year's resolution is made, it's already expected to be broken. But here are some goals, if you will. Things that I want to aim towards, directions that I want to move in.

I want to be more organized. Not that I'm disorganized; I keep track of things pretty well, mind you. But I would like to get into the habit of writing things down and checking my organizer regularly. That starts today.

This is sort-of like being more organized. I want to sit down and write out a specific budget for myself each month, and stick to it. I work on a pretty general budget right now that consists mostly of Get bills paid first, and Don't spend money I don't have. While that keeps me from getting in too much trouble, it doesn't do so well for saving money. So yeah. That too :)

I would like to have my car and student loan paid off and be working actively in the theatre field by the end of 2010. It looks like that's going to start with taking a semester off after all, working as much as possible, and just getting business done. (And eating lots of ramen in the meantime.) I also want to make a habit of working freelance modeling and film gigs (as an extra, or whatever). Just to get out there and broaden my scope a bit :)

Along somewhat of the same lines, I would like to have produced at least 3 music videos by the end of the year. Even if they don't end up going any farther than youtube, I need to start making something.

It is also my goal to have made at least one piece of furniture by the end of the year. I want furniture-making to be a long-term hobby of mine, so I've got to get started sometime.

Road Trip!! I WILL take at least one road trip this year. Even if I just drive to Tulsa or something equally as lame (Christmastime is the only time driving to Tulsa is not lame), I WILL go SOMEWHERE with SOMEBODY. Honestly, if you don't live life while you're in college, when are you going to live it?

I want to become actively and regularly involved at Northstar. This isn't something new; I've been wanting to. So far though, my schedule's been a little bossy and just going to church is about all I've managed. I would like for that to change.

I would like to set a 5-year plan for myself. Now, I'm giving myself a whole year to come up with a loose plan for the next 5 years of my life. Or at least establish where I'd like to be in 5 years. I think that's pretty darn lenient, myself. So I better get it done.

Last but not least: (well, maybe least. This one's really not all that important. lol): by the end of 2010, I would like to be able to get a puppy :) I would like for my schedule and budget to be such that I can comfortably have a puppy. Yup :)

So there's my list, for now. I'd be happy to take comments and suggestions,if you have any!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! :D

I need a job that doesn't entail a view of the stars on my way into work :/

2009-12-29T04:10:00.000-08:00

For real. More job hunting today... gonna go put apps in at like a dozen different Starbucks in the Plano area. Looking at applying at Northpark and Firewheel malls too. Firewheel's not all that close to my apt or school, true, but I can always crash at Mark's if I need to, and if nothing else I could have a job there while I keep looking for a better one that's actually in Plano. I'm realllly hoping Destani calls me back about a nutrition coach position that I was almost offered but I couldn't start immediately. But now I can start immediately... just hoping it's not too late >_< ..If only I hadn't been under contract for Plaid at the time... but oh well. All things work together for the GOOD of those who love God. It's a good thing I did have that gig, or it would've been alot harder to make ends meet this month. Praise the Lord.
Anyway, be praying for me and my new employment, and soon! AND, I also want to hurry up and get the employment situation resolved so that I can a) start working out again, and b)start working on getting smaller gigs like photoshoots and Movie Extra gigs :)

Lord help me!

so yeah, this is what's been on my mind, mostly. Other than that there's New Year plans, which look like theyre not going to be all THAT exciting. But as long as I get to spend it with Mark I suppose I don't really care what we do. Thursday Jon Christie has a show of some sort that Lindsey wants me to go to. Well, we'll see. Also Uncle Matt and Aunt Jeanne and attached cousins are coming into town for New Years. Why, I have no earthly idea, but cool :) It'll be good to see them... hopefully I'll have the chance to bring Mark around for a dinner or something. I wonder if he gets tired of me dragging him over to my parents' house for such things. lol.
I get paid in two days, and none too soon. This traffic ticket has been at the back of my mind, and it's a tad expensive. Lord help me with that, too, please.

hmmm, what else? I haven't been all that productive lately to tell the truth. Everything else is kind of on the back burner until I find a job. Mark's been writing his book though, and that's exciting. :) It'll be the first one he's completed. And it's sounding really good so far :)

I get to see my roomie tonight! Probably not for very long, granted, 'cause I'll be freakin tired, but whatever. I get to see her and that makes me happy.

Oh, why aren't there 30 hours in a day?

Don't Save It All for Christmas Day

2009-12-28T04:07:00.000-08:00

What a lovely holiday :)

true, I didn't get to go caroling, and I'm a tad short on cash, but it was still an absolutely lovely holiday. I got to see friends, and family, and movies. lol. I kindof don't have the energy to go into great detail, although I probably should.

I've got alot to do in recovery though. Tons of laundry, and cleaning up.. I need to get back into shape. I'm still on the hunt for new employment.Once I have that established I can register for classes... I'm really hoping I don't have to take this semester off :/ There's a bit of a time crunch, but with the Lord's help, it can be done! :)

Merry Christmas.. Happy New Year. etc. etc.

What starts with an F and ends with a Y, besides "Fungleberry?"

2009-12-18T07:57:00.000-08:00

the answer is FRIDAY!!! And praise the Lord, what a beautiful Friday it is! I think maybe I will spend some time out-of-doors today. It'll do me some good :) If it's sunny that is. I've been wanting to get some sunshine all week.
I also think that I will take a nap today! that sounds abso-friggin-lutely wonderful. And I've got nothing that I "need" to get done, other than laundry and wrapping presents :)

I'm excited for the weekend. I've got so much to look forward to, so much is happening and it's all funnn! ^_^ Of course it'll be busy too, but not overwhelming. And Mark is going to church with me on Sunday for our FIRST Sunday in our NEW BUILDING!! :D

I finished the first Harry Potter book. It was quite good, truth be told. And now that I've finished it, I really want to read the second one. Like, now that I'm one book in, I feel like I'm genuinely at a loss for not knowing the rest of the series. But not to worry.. that will shortly be remedied. ^_^

what is it about this week that has taken so darn long? every day felt stretched, and by the time we got to Wednesday it felt like it should really be at least Friday. seriously. This week has just been unruly slow. It's all good though. It makes Friday that much sweeter :) (though I will say, I'm ready to go home any time. work is pretty slow today too.)

Pictures tomorrow! yayy. I hope I have my coat back by then.. >_>

Come on, weekend!

And... Action!

2009-12-16T05:25:00.000-08:00

So I mentioned that I had an audition for a tv pilot..
it went well, I suppose. I don't know if I was really intense enough for them... it's a giving-birth scene. I've never given birth >_>
But anyway, here's hopin' still... They'll let me know this weekend-ish.

So camera acting is way different from stage acting. Harder, for me. Here's why: it's alot more cold work. You have to be able to just pick up wherever and make it the same as if you'd already been in the scene 5 minutes. That's harder for me because I'm an interpersonal actor-- I play off of the other people in the scene. In fact, most of my acting is REacting. It's all in the relationship and interaction between characters. In camera acting.. you don't get the whole play to build up character relationships and motivations.. It just kindof has to be there, whether you or the other person is feeling it or not. So it's.. different. But I think with a little practice I could get good at it :)

There's so much more going on, but I gotta do some work now... so you'll just have to do without :p

Happy Wednesday! :D

<3

2009-12-14T04:37:00.001-08:00

So I called in to work on friday. Took a personal day. And it was sooo nice. I needed it. I went back to bed, which I've always wanted to do when I don't feel like going to work. lol. I slept in, and then went and had lunch with Mark at his work. Which entailed being stared at by a bunch of little kids and being asked, "Are you Coach Mark's girlfriend??" with really big eyes and lots of giggles whenever I answer that or any other question, like how old am I? lol. It was alot of fun. I can see why he adores those kids so much, really. And as far as I can tell they all liked me as much as I liked them.. bar one. There's one little girl, Sierra. She's one of Mark's favorites, and she has a HUGE crush on him. So, being that I'm his girlfriend, she was NOT happy to see me. Not at all. XD. I probably shouldn't have enjoyed it so much, but I'll admit I was a little smug, in a that's-right-girlfriend-he's-alllll-mine-and-you-know-it kind of way. I know it's silly but especially since she's one of Mark's favorites, I'd rather she knew her place. Which is NOT his girlfriend. :) Anyway.
After that, went shopping, got some errands done, and did a show that night. After the show we had a movie night at Mark's house and I got to hang out with GREY who I love and miss terribly ^_^.

Did I mention the shopping part? Did I also mention that I bought new jeans... in a size 2?? I was (am) pretty darn happy about this, since I haven't worn size 2 since my sophomore year in high school. Almost 5 years ago. I feel good ^_^

The rest of the weekend was quite pleasant... errands and family time and shows and hanging out and shows... lovely :) I'm looking forward to having a little more downtime soon hopefully... But even still. Lovely :)

And I have an audition today for a tv pilot... we'll see how that goes >_>

<3

Blizzard Would Be Great..

2009-12-10T04:34:00.000-08:00

I have officially been at work for over a half hour and done nothing more than attempt to not snooze... somewhat unsuccessfully.

Dear Texas,
I would love you forever if you would burst into sudden blizzard, so the roads would freeze and no one would come to work and I could go home and go to sleep. That would be lovely.

I would love to tell something... But I don't actually have anything to say. Seems to be my situation as of late :/ Oh, well. I'll come back when there's something to tell.

<3

2009-12-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

I've decided to donate the proceeds from my caroling adventures to St Jude's. And, possibly, to people who are on my heart. I happen to know, for example, of a couple of families whose sole providers are currently out of work. I would love to be able to bless them with something that will help them out, you know? :)

Speaking of blessings, we got our Christmas bonuses yesterday ^_^ I've never got a Christmas bonus before... probably because I've never had a "business job" before. One of the pluses to working a desk job I suppose. But anyway, I'm very much grateful :) Thank you Jesus!

So I'm working a couple of extra shows, this Sunday night and next Sunday night. Betty Buckley is going to be at Water Tower doing a holiday show. I'm missing an Underoath concert to see Betty Buckley -.- ...but I'm getting paid for it, so it's all good, right? lol. :p

Can't wait to finally get this silly British Lit final exam over and done with already. Ugh. The longer I go the more I basically just don't care anymore. As long as I pass the class and never have to deal with it again... I don't care. Bah Humbug.

:D

2009-12-08T04:16:00.000-08:00

Jacob's back from his honeymoon. yay :) work is always more exciting when he's here.

Happy news: I do get to see The Boxer after all! They have a Saturday matinee this week and I don't, so you better believe I am THERE!! :D And I'm kinda excited.

Can I just say, I am a huge fan of Christmas music. Especially the kind that involves full choirs and/or violins and/or woodwinds of any kind. Yes. Win. I want to go caroling. I wish I were in a choir so that I could go caroling with a full choir lol. Actually, you know what I really want to do? I want to get a group together who can harmonize, like four or five people who can pull of carols well... maybe not professionals or anything, but well enough to sound nice and pretty... and go door-to-door caroling and raising money for a charity. That is what I really want to do. What better way to spread the spirit of the season? If only I could find the time and people and place to go... and if I could find a charity to do it for..... I think I'm gonna try :) And if I do it, I'd love to do it in costume ^_^ And if I can pull it off.. or maybe even if I can't pull it off this year... I'd like to make it an annual thing. :)

My laundry is in a rather desperate condition. Lol. I'm to the point where I'm rewearing my clothes :/
Guess I know what I'll be doing on my study breaks tonight :p

Speaking of study breaks, I now have two days left to somehow prepare myself for this British Lit final :/
I think I've pretty much given up on doing a research paper for extra credit and settled on writing poems or illustrations instead. The only good way I can think to do illustrations, though, is with paint... and I don't really have the supplies to do that. I suppose I could make a costume... Idk if Rasnic would accept that, though. For all his big talk about creativity and whatnot, he's kindof a square :/

Mmmm, coffee :)
Let's make my next job one that does not start before 7 am, eh? Unless it's Starbucks, in which case I will keep my insanity and still get up early. If I must. :p

Have I mentioned that I am SO ready to be done with my classes for this semester? I am SOOO ready. Then I can REALLY jump headlong into the holidays :D

Plaid Boxer Briefs

2009-12-04T04:33:00.000-08:00

Well.. not a whole lot going on in this neck of the woods. I've been at work for half an hour and taken all of one phone call.

Plaid Tidings opened last night, and so did The Boxer. Plaid went fine, and Mark wasn't quite raving, but Boxer did well too :) So afterwards we went to IHOP to celebrate. It was alright.. IHOP was about as it usually is... lol.
I'm really proud of Mark :) This was his first college show... the second one that he auditioned for, and he got cast without a second thought.

I wonder when the next time I'll have the chance will audition will be?
I did really want to audition for Little Women... but I don't know if I'll have the time to do shows while working next semester. Most likely I'll need to work nights, so it will be hard to do any shows, really. I guess I can put up with that... It'll give me the chance to get a bunch of classes knocked out, and that I am excited about.
Lord, help me.. I need Your help with this whole business. There's no way I can figure out how to make this all work together in a 168-hr week, let alone pull it off by myself. But I trust You to show me how to do it, and to help me with it. It's gonna be an adventure...

So I want to talk about something that's on my mind a little bit... I don't generally talk about super personal stuff on my blog, but it's my blog so I will if I want.
I get this feeling, that my family doesn't like Mark very much. And you honestly, that's not even it. I think they like him fine (because there isn't a reason not to like him :)... but they judge him. I don't even think they realize that they do.. and I don't really know why they judge him, other than that he doesn't speak in tongues... and he's not Collin. The reasons, for current intents and purposes, are immaterial. The real thing that bothers me is, I've felt like my family and I have been increasingly distant in recent months, and I can't help but think that maybe this has something to do with it. Yes, I have spent alot of time with Mark. And that's not going to change. We're in a relationship. We're an item, a package deal. We're together. I'm not saying I never do anything without him or visa versa, not at all. But the point is, I'm with Mark. You don't get me without him. Even if you are my family. Even if my family disapproved of Mark (which there isn't a reason to, to be quite honest) it's really not their choice to make. They ought to accept him, for my sake. Or if they can't do that, they ought to at least show love to him, for Christ's sake. If Mark were to judge all "Spirit-filled Christians" based on how he's been treated by my family thus far, he would say that they're really no different from any other people who have their own lives and plenty of reservations about new people. Courteous and aloof, they're fine people, but honestly, nothing life-changing. And that kinda makes me sad. But what can you do?

Alrighty well... now I've been here about an hour, and I'm getting another call. Jusst can't stop the excitement! :p
<3

2009-12-03T04:10:00.000-08:00

So. Tired.
SOOOOO so so so so so so sleepy.

It was a struggle this morning to not roll over and go back to sleep. I won said struggle of course, and made it to work before my eyes followed through on their threat to be closed periodically :/

Preview night for Plaid was last night... opening night tonight :) nap before British lit today instead of studying for quiz? I think so. Yes, I think so.

My hair is grungy today. Can't decide if I like it or not.

gotta.. stop.. dosing... zzzZZZZZzZ

It's SNOWING!!!

2009-12-02T05:43:00.000-08:00

That calls for excessive punctuation!!!!! Yayyy!!!!! ^_^ :D XD :))) ^_^ !!!!!

and, while the ground is still mostly slush, it's sticking enough to make things white and pretty. and the flake and decent sized and fluffy, and flurrying in the wind... just perfect for catching with your tongue! I hope this keeps up all day so I can make a snow angel at lunch ^_^
Except the snow is still really wet so then my backside will be wet all day :/ ...probably not worth it.
OH, I'm so excited! I'm like a little kid all over again when there's snow.

I can't even think of anything else to blog about because it's SNOWING outside. How on earth am I supposed to get work done INSIDE? That's just ridiculous. Why ever would anyone want to be inside at a time like this?? I think I will take my lunch break OUTSIDE ^_^
Oh goodness I'm so excited!!!

Across the Embers

2009-12-01T04:35:00.000-08:00

so the other day I had a freakout. Partly it's from being tired and stressed a bit, and having a lot on my mind, getting antsy about life and its decisions and what I'm doing, and things being all hit-and-miss with the family... All this contributes... not that it's an excuse.
Basically this stupid freakout consisted of me feeling a bit neglected and under-appreciated when my plans went all whatever on me because nobody was doing what I thought they were doing. So I got all emo about it and when Mark asked me what was wrong, because he cares, I totally threw a fit and made it seem like it was all his fault that I was unhappy. Why I did that.. I don't even know. But it will NEVER happen again. Anyway, so that was a nasty exchange, and then Mark was out so he wasn't on his phone for awhile so I spent that while freaking out thinking that I had messed things up bad. Turns out he just wasn't on his phone, and we talked when he got back and everything was fine. I really can't tell you how thankful I am that he puts up with me. Really.

Well alright, back to work. I really meant to write some more meaningful, this-is-how-i-feel-about-life-right-now stuff, but it's early yet, and I ought to be making some sort of progress on my assignments at work.

9 days left until I'm free of freaking British Literature.(!!!)

Plaid Tidings!

2009-11-30T04:47:00.000-08:00

It's the Christmas season! yay! Finally!!

and let me tell you, I am loving it! ^_^

I got a gig running spotlight at Watertower Theatre for a show called Plaid Tidings. It's just a little thing, don't do much and don't get paid all that much, but it's something :) and I'm happy to not be totally inactive. The major downside here (besides lack of sleep and time crunch with finals) is that I won't get to see The Boxer. I'm so bummed... I can't even tell you about it. I was so looking forward to seeing Mark onstage. And I mean, from what I've heard it's going to be hilarious. I really was so pysched about it and now I don't get to go at all :(
well... oh well. C'este la vie, I suppose.

Decided I'm going to look for an evening job closer to home as soon as I finish up with finals. this is a good decision :)

Going to see New Moon tonight

2009-11-19T10:36:00.000-08:00

I hope it's decent... don't really expect it to be though.

I cheated on my dietary regimen yesterday. Can't turn down free pizza when I'm hungry. Ssshhhhh don't tell Susan! :p

<3

Like a One-Person Chat Room

2009-11-18T04:23:00.000-08:00

Note to self: eating whatever I want for a weekend makes it hard to eat only meat and veggies again. Man, just when I totally had it down...

So much has been going on.. emotionally, and mentally, and socially. Not so much substantially. As far as physical substantiality goes anything. Meaning I can't see anything productive getting done... my progress as far as DOING things, is minimal here lately. And we all know how I'm a big fan of that... -.-

Mostly it's just frustrating when I don't know exactly what it is I would like to be seeing. If I knew what I wanted, then I could figure out how to get it. And I know some things that I want I suppose... I guess the best thing to do would be to work on those until I have something more central to work towards? Idk. I asked Mark yesterday... he wasn't in the very best of moods and I asked him "What do you want? How do you want things to be?" and he said "idk.. better." I guess that's how I feel a little at the moment. But that doesn't really help at all. If I know what I want then I can figure out how to make it happen.

Have faith in God. That's the bottom line, huh.

WELL it's the Thanksgiving season, and I've been going on so much about I want I want I want I feel I feel I think I hope I wish I think I feel I want. How silly. What I SHOULD be taking about is how I'm really enjoying this cold weather, and i have a whole collection of nice new hats and scarves and gloves and sweaters to enjoy it in, which I got from my loving and most-always pleasant family, whom I love and am very much thankful for. And I get to spend time with them, and with good friends and coworkers, and I get to spend a good amount of time (sometimes i think not enough.. and then sometimes too much!) with a wonderful man who loves me, who i know at the bottom of everything else will at least be willing to figure things out with me. And if I ask nicely, he'll give me a hug. And if I smile, he'll give me a kiss. A hug and a kiss? What more can a girl ask for? :) Praise the Lord.

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To.

2009-11-16T04:09:00.000-08:00

Man.
What a bipolar weekend. lol.
it started out.. amazingly. Friday I went to a magic show in Garland with Chelsea and Aaron (Mark had gotten the tickets, but then he had rehearsal.) Anyway it turned out to be like a kid's pro-recycling sort of thing, with a couple of magic tricks mixed in to make it seem cooler. But we had fun with it I suppose :p Afterward Aaron and I went to Plano for cigars and coffee. Mark stopped by but didn't stay long. Later I went back to Mark's house to hang out.. we were watching White Collar. Then at one point he was like, "I left my bag in my car... you should come with me to get it, we'll take a walk around the block or something" but then when we got out there he had left his keys so he went back inside. As soon as he went back inside, Traci, Zack, Scott, and Blake came charging down the street, grabbed me, and threw me into the car with them. Long story short, they "kidnapped" me, then Mark rescued me and asked me to be his girlfriend :)
It was pretty much wonderful (overall.)
Then Saturday Mark took me to La Madeline for brunch, and we spent the afternoon drawing masterpieces with sidewalk chalk. lol. Then to my parents' house for dinner, and this is where the weekend starts to turn awry.
There was a little bit of personal drama saturday night... nothing too life-altering I suppose, I just got my feelings hurt a little bit. My family is... not as accepting as I would like them to be. I don't know why they feel they have to have a judgement on everything, but it seems they do. And it seems me being so excited about Mark and everything isn't enough for them to be. Apparently my family hasn't gotten over comparing everything to Collin, as if he were still a part of my life. That does hurt. But it's whatever. Eventually they'll open their mind enough to actually take a look at Mark, and as soon as that happens, they'll love him :)
So there was that, but other than that Saturday night was nice. Spent the night at the parents', and most of the day Sunday, just chillin and hangin and sleepin. lol. It was nice. Then last night I went over to Mark's house, we were gonna watch one of the movies I borrowed from Sarah after he finished his essay for English.. but somewhere between finishing the essay and starting the movie there was more drama, but with his parents and some disagreement between them.. anyway we ended up not watching the movie. sigh. Not to worry, we'll watch it another time :)

So... despite it's ups and downs... I call it a good weekend. Things are going to work out quite nicely. :)
AND, TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! :D

2009-11-12T04:16:00.000-08:00

Day three-- was mostly a success. I say mostly because I bought pomegranate lemonade and drank some before I remembered to make sure it was 100% juice. It wasn't. I drank very sugary concentrate. rats. I also went grocery shopping, bought an unreasonable amount of veggies and fruit and tuna. And forgot to get eggs, which my roomie requested, so I'll probably be stopping by target today. And Hobby Lobby, if I can help it. I have some crafts in mind that I really want to try that I need to get the supplies for. I'd tell you, but it'd ruin my element of surprise for Christmas presents!

So yesterday I was driving toward Lewisville from work, and there's this guy on a motorcycle driving in the lane next to me. Only he was the obnoxious, impatient, I'm going to zigzag behind you impatiently even though we're ALL stuck in traffic kind of motorist. Then he got behind me and I found it annoying that he would zigzag all the way up to my bumper as if that would somehow cause me to move faster, when had nowhere to go. But that's beside the point. lol. Later, when traffic let up, I have ended up a few car lengths in front of him, and I was starting to pick up speed again when here come this motorcycle flying by. Only it looks funny. The head and arms and legs were not where they should be. The guy had his feet up on the back of the seat, laying on his stomach with his head forward, and one arm on the handlebar and the other down, like where his leg would normally go. As cool as this is in a parking lot, I sincerely wish he'd not have tried on the highway. I hope he didn't get hurt...

Ok I'm not being vain, but this whole physical overhaul I've been doing (I really should give it a cool name, like Project Reset or something :p) seems to be working. I mean there's the cleanse, which helps to give my digestive system and organs and whatnot a chance to flush themselves out (I really need to be drinking more water for that though :/), and I'm whitening my teeth (Crest Whitening Strips) Lightening my hair (just a little, naturally with hydrogen peroxide), working out (obviously, P90X), taking better care of my skin, staying better hydrated, and I have a dermatologist appointment next week. I've only been doing all this for a few weeks really, but I'm starting to see results and it's encouraging :) I'm pretty sure by Christmas I'm going to feel like a new person. (Physically, that is. lol)
Anyway. good times. :)

Don't picka prickly pear with a bare bear paw

2009-11-11T07:46:00.000-08:00

When you picka prickly pear, just use the claw!

So day 3 of the cleanse. Yesterday was a little tough to not snack, last night. I'm used to munching on something carb-y and tasty in the evenings, you know. BUT I didn't. I had cashews and a few pieces of celery for breakfast, attempted to have a can of asparagus for lunch (it was disgusting. never again will I believe that canned vegetables taste anything like the real thing. blech) and when that didn't work out bought myself a grilled chicken breast at Cattleman's. 'Twas tasty. Then for dinner had a baked chicken breast off the bone. Not bad I suppose.

I'm still tired. I'm hoping my body adjusts soon and the energy picks up. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd slept all of 10 min :/

Can I just say, I love fun old people ^_^ When I get old.. I'm gonna be a blast :D

I guess there's not a whole lot else to update today. I've got to go shopping today if nothing else, though I was hoping to also do some laundry. That may not happen until tomorrow though; I desperately want to go to bed early tonight. Like, 7:30 early. That tends to change when I actually get there and get to thinking about things I could be doing, etc etc... So if I don't, I'll do a load of laundry and read some Harry Potter :p

<3

One day down...

2009-11-10T04:15:00.000-08:00

First day of the cleanse was a success. Second is off to a good start :)

I can't remember if I've mentioned the cleanse in my blog yet or not. Anyway, Susan and I are doing it, until New Years. But we have holidays off. Which means (chronologically) my birthday (on which Jacob is making us gumbo!)Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. I suppose this really isn't the ideal time of year to do a cleanse, but too late! We've already started. lol. Besides, there's no time like the present, right? Ok so what it entails is meat, vegetables, modest amounts of fruit, and nuts and beans. Also, herbs are acceptable, and vinegar and olive oil. And as far as liquids, water, juice, and tea. And nothing else. No carbs, no starches, no dairy, no fats, no sugar. (Other than the natural fats and sugars in meat and fruit) Especially no artificial sugars, fried food, or processed food. (I used that term lightly, since it's exceptionally difficult to find non-processed meats. and the amount we're working out, we need that protein and calories)

Oh man. This change in dietary intake, paired with the incredibly HARD workout we did yesterday (Plyometrics. sound tough? it is.)has left me many kinds of tired last night and this morning. I'm sure it will pass in a few days as my body adjusts, but thus far... I feel exhausted. good thing I just basically have to sit all day right...

ADDENDUM
In the interest of this cleanse, I'm going to briefly share what I eat each day. Not that that's interesting at all, but it might help me :)
So yesterday I ate nothing for breakfast but had a cup of hot tea (:/) and then an apple and two hard-boiled eggs for lunch, and then peanuts and a can of green beans for dinner. (I know canned vegetables are not as good, but i had already bought them!)
Today so far I've had cashews for breakfast, and I drank acai berry juice with my vitamins this morning. And having a cup of tea now. yay :)

I want to HIT something!@#^&!!!

2009-11-09T06:57:00.000-08:00

Ok. So here's what happened. Yesterday, a bunch of us were supposed to meet up and play football. I was pretty excited about this, since I'd been itching to do something active outdoors all weekend. So we get there, and we're waiting for about half of our group to show up, and there's these other guys there that look real athletic and competitive. So Mark and a couple of guys that were there start a 4-on-4 game with these guys that we don't know. Obviously, I'm not stupid enough to want to play football with a bunch of big competitive guys that I don't know. So, basically, that leaves me standing on the sidelines watching these boys take themselves too seriously for the next hour and a half. I was not happy. And, to Mark's credit, he did come over and ask if we wanted to leave and do something else... I said no, I just didn't want to play with a bunch of guys I don't know. He came over again and asked if we were having fun. I said no -.- (I was pretty darn annoyed by this time) But what was I supposed to do? Insist that he quit his game which it looked like he was enjoying because I was upset that he wasn't playing with me? I didn't want to be that girl. So basically, I just brooded. (I know, much better, right? I wasn't doing a very good job of "being patient with each other, and being joyful always") I was irritated because I wanted to play, I was part of the original plan, and Mark was playing without me. And also because, he knew I was upset, and not having a good time. I left it his choice if he wanted to stay but I mean, I don't want to have to ask to leave. I don't want to be the one to ruin someone else's fun. Besides, I didn't want to leave. I wanted those other guys to leave -.-

Anyway. Eventually they did leave, and the rest of us finally got to play. Only by that time half the boys were tired and whatnot from playing competitively... and even if they weren't it was dumb because they "wouldn't tackle a girl"
honestly then, what's the point? I don't have any interest in playing gentle football. Especially when I'm mad. So that game didn't last very long, and we went home.

...Of course when we got home there was that fun conversation for me and Mark to have. He felt bad because supposedly he ruined all my fun, and he offered to do something else and I didn't say that I wanted to do something else. And I felt bad because it really wasn't his fault, but I'm not going to insist on having my way when I'm upset. I will be honest, and tell you I'm not having fun (like I did) and hope that you'll do something about it.. But I'm not going to ask you to stop what you're doing if you're enjoying yourself (which I thought he was) just because I'm not. So I didn't know what else to do. And, neither did he. He knew that I was upset, but I guess neither of us knew what to do about it. I don't think either of us do still. I still feel just as incapable of plainly stating what I want, and I don't think he understands that asking me to say what I want doesn't make it any easier to say what I want if I feel like it's something selfish. If he were to say that HE would like to do something else that I can play too or start another game of football, rather than ask if I wanted to because I wasn't having fun, it would have been different. Does that even make any sense at all?

So we talked about all this, and it was all rather miserable until he simply said "You're more important than some stupid game, and I care about you way more than I care about those guys.If I ask you if you want to do something, it's because I either want to, or don't care either way. I'm not going to ask you just because I feel bad. Next time, can you please just tell me the truth?" (that's a paraphrase, not that it much matters. This response I approved of very much. As far as next time.. we'll see how that goes :/) And then he stood up and threw the football to me. I, somewhat confused, threw it back. He threw it to me again and when I went to throw it back he said, "What are you doing? Try to run it in."
We then proceeded to play 1-on-1 football (an interesting cross between football and basketball) across his front yard for the next half hour or so :D. I lost, despite my ferocious efforts :p but I've got bruises all over and various stiff muscles and aching limbs as a reward. lol. I know, I found a good one, right? I mean.. I think so.... :)

It's the Thought That Counts

2009-11-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

Can I just say, getting a comment from Kelsey made my day :)

Okay so, a few days ago I was thinking and I decided, I want to do something special for Mark. You know, surprise him. I asked around for some original ideas but didn't come up with a whole lot. Everyone asked, "What's the occasion?" The occasion? Life, my friend. It's worth celebrating any old Tuesday. Also, love my friend. I disapprove of confining the opportunity of showing someone how much you care about them to holidays and/or "special occasions." So I wanted to do something special, that he wouldn't expect, just because. Because he's wonderful. ^_^

The idea I ended up with is half-recycled, half original, and half stolen. I got a bunch of balloons and some little knick-knacks and his favorite candy (Sweettarts. I know, I don't get it either :/) and a whole bunch of little notes. On each notes is something little that I love about him ^_^. Then each note and little knick-knack went inside of a balloon. For example, one said "There's nothing in this world that you can't be" and I put that inside of a balloon with a Wolverine figurine. There's about fifty of these, and I filled up his car with them as a surprise ^_^. ...At least I was going to. But it turns out his car is having issues and he's driving his mom's and I didn't want to do it to his mom's, so I snuck into his room instead and piled them all on his bed. Not quite as clever or impressive, but hey. It's the thought that counts, right? And anyway, it made him smile and that was the point. And apparently he went to work with a sugar rush this morning, and that makes me happy :p

So despite the rather large amount of crunching to pull this off spur-of-the-moment and too many minutes spent blowing up balloons in Walmart's parking lot and the rather imperfect presentation... I call this adventure a success. :)

<3

A Tour Guide Named Stress

2009-11-02T06:57:00.000-08:00

SO, the best that I can say for this past week is that if I so choose, I can come away having learned a couple somethings.

At surface level, Last. Week. Sucked. Like a giant emotional stressful exhausting defecating traumatic Black Hole. basically. It was a guided tour of a series of unfortunate events with a tour guide named Stress. There was the whole Boxer shenanigans, and questioning my performance abilities, and whether or not I'll ever actually accomplish my dreams, and feelings of inadequacy and inferiority and all that nonsense. Well that wasn't fun. But I came out of it bolstered and determined, and all sorts of ready for Dream Auditions. Now, Dream-- that's a show I can do. besides the fact that elements of the characters were based on me, I'm simply in my element with that sort of a script and style of show. I was ready. And PERFECT for the show. I could have done any of those parts. the girl parts, that is. Though, give me a chance and I'd have done the male parts, too. Not that the director would. Give me a chance? In hindsight, I don't think he ever meant to. He told me to take a look at Ashley. So I did. not my first choice, but if you see me as an Ashley, then sure. I'll give it a shot. I see me as Cheyenne. Apparently he sees Cheyenne a bit taller. That's fine. Stupid, but fine. you do what you want. At least he still let em read for Cheyenne. Now Allison, the beatnik.. I can do that. I can do that so hardcore, you don't even know. You don't have the slightest comprehension of what I can do. But "you don't see it"-- so you won't let me try. You won't even try to stretch your imagination. Not that I was asking that much. I simply hoped you might drop your preconceived notions of me, be professional, and give me a chance. But that's fine. Hey, it's your show. You can do what you want with it. If you want me to read for Ashley, I'll read for Ashley. You won't consider me for anything but what you can picture me already in your own small mind? Alright whatever. You're gonna pass me over for that part too, in favor of your new love interest? NOT alright whatever. It's not okay. To be perfectly honest, that hurt. Alot. She might be good, and I don't begrudge her the chance... but you and I both know there was no one there better for this show than me. If you'd give me a chance. If only.

This is what I'm wrestling with. I feel like I failed again.. I did my best at an audition, and didn't get cast. In fact, I didn't even get the second chance I was hoping for to prove to Jon that I could do more than just Ashley because he canceled callbacks. didn't see the point, since he already had his cast picked. Let me clue you in Jon: the purpose of callbacks is to gain perspective on the spectrum of talent that you have to work with, and to see what an actor looks like on more than just one occasion. But whatever. It only hurts so much because this time, I KNOW that I'm good enough. I would have blown them away if Jon would have just opened his eyes to see anything more than the picture of me he's already had in his head. It's said that my respect for him as a director was finished before it began. I find it more sad that yet again my hopes of getting back onstage, proving to myself that I can, in fact, act, have been dashed-- not because of how I did, but because of who I am. Basically? not fair. It hurts.

So that's my pain. the rest of the weekend, I mean stuff happened and all... it was all pretty much tainted though. Thank God for good friends who kept me sane through all of this. And thank God for His mercy, which I now have the.. opportunity.. to extend to someone else. God help me to forgive and let go. I've dealt with it now and admitted that I was hurt and acknowledged that it doesn't matter if I'm right or anyone else for that matter, my only course of action at this point is to pray, give it over to God, forgive Jon, bless him and his production (that part was hard. I always hear about that being hard and I'm like "it's not that hard, just do it" because its really never been hard for me before, but this was hard. I really wanted nothing more than to say "every one of those girl actors better be nothing short of phenomenal. or I'm gonna be PISSED. and at the same time, I hope they're not so Jon can spend the next month of his life lamenting the fact that he didn't cast me!!" but I didn't. promise.) and praise God. This is me, moving' on. And I've found that when I get bogged down again and it starts to hurt again and I want to be mad again.. the best way to get past that and let it go and get over it and keep moving n and not lose my progress, is to praise God. so I mean... I'm getting somewhere. I'm making progress. We're doing this. Phew.

It's a new week. It's a new month. It's a new day. And I got to watch the sunrise this morning :)

<3

Aftermath (comes Algebra)

2009-10-29T11:36:00.001-07:00

Well. I didn't make Boxer callbacks. I didn't even do well in Boxer auditions. I find this upsetting. Actually it triggered a bit of a meltdown yesterday. It was.. unpleasant. But, I suppose, beneficial. After all, metal is stronger once it's been smelted, right? Anyway. I hate being inferior. But it gives me... quite a bit to work on. Not so much the how-to... but anyway. that wasn't my point. My point was that God and I had a nice long chat about the whole fiasco. Basically, I tend to be naturally good at things. Or if I'm not, I'm pretty quick to pick it up. I've never come across something I couldn't do. There's never been something I couldn't make better if I tried hard enough. I've never just been not good enough. But this came terribly close. And I didn't like it, not one bit. Theatre is the one thing in the world I'm most passionate about next to God and people, and it's the one thing in the world that doesn't come easily to me. And so I'm ranting all this at God, all the while freaking out, melting down, and God's just basically like. "well, duh. You can't do it without Me."

so that's basically where I'm at with all that. We worked it out, we made a plan, we made an agreement on how we're going to do this. I've got work to do :) and it started today. Today's been lovely. I haven't been able to fully become non-disappointed about The Boxer, and I'm struggling to muster some excitement for Dream auditions tomorrow... But it'll get better. I'm pushing forward.

<3

What do you want to DO with your life?

2009-10-23T04:13:00.000-07:00

what a loaded question. I mean, it's pretty straight forward, but I've never found it easy to answer. Sometimes because, there's just so much that I don't really know... and sometimes because, even though I know exactly what I want to do, I don't know if I can articulate it with words, or even if i can, it's just hard to spit it out and just have it right out there in front of the world to pick at or whatever. So my answers tend to be broad and nonspecific rather than the alternative.
Anywaym someone asked me last night, What do you want to do with your life? *sigh* well... there's the somewhat arbitrary things; theatre, art, music, performance, speaking, teaching, learning, traveling, writing, creating, discovering, revolutionizing. I know most of those, while vague, don't sound arbitrary to most people. But they are. They could be anything. I say arbitrary because none of these are really what I want to do; they're just the means that I see myself using to do what is really at the core of all of these desires. And what is that? two things. #1-- to Love, and to be Loved. and #2-- to know the Truth, and to share it. These are the two things that I will spend the rest of my life pursuing, and the more I obtain them, the more I will have to obtain.
I mean, on the one hand it's a noble destiny, and inspiring, and self-perpetuating, and never lacking direction if nothing else. On the other hand, though theyre certainly not unattainable, they will always be more obtainable. Does that make any sense? you don't arrive with these goals. You continue in them. So sometimes, when it's not as clear to see the progress we've already made, all we can see is the infinite distance yet to go. And then when someone asks you like it's as simple as "what do you want to be when you grow up, Tommy?" ..it can be frustrating. It can be difficult. And it's stirring. To be sure, it's good to be stirred. The Word even tells us to stir ourselves up. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between "stirred up" and restless. And sometimes they're both there at the same time. I think I could use a little more stirring and a little less restless.
Let's get to work on that, shall we?

Is it blissful kissful? Is it rapturous delight?

2009-10-19T04:12:00.000-07:00

well, maybe not all that, but this weekend was quite wonderful :)
Friday night was Bus Stop (which went well, of course) and afterward we went out to Cheddars. Tiffanie and Sam and Whitney came, and a good time was had by all (despite some little bit of drama with the roommate... she got over it. ):) I love my friends. After Cheddars, went and hung out at Mark's for awhile. Saturday am watched the first part of the UT-OU game at Mark's shindig... Texas had a rough start but they won in the end, which I guess is cool. Can't say that I would have been any more or less satisfied if it had gone the other way.. *shrug*
Saturday matinee went fine, super small crowd though. went home and cleaned and chilled a bit between performances, then back for the night show which my parents saw and enjoyed :D afterwards me, lindsey, jon, aaron, kelsey, and lexi went bowling. SOOO much fun ^_^ we all did quite terribly as far as scoring goes, but it was fun. Sunday morning Mark went to Northstar with me (I can't really give a whole lot of specifics about why, but suffice it to say, this is kindof a big deal). Service was super-good. It's good to be back, after a month and a half of crazy rehearsal schedules that included Sunday mornings. :D sunday matinee show was good, theres was a good note of finality at the end, and I got pictures with all the cast which will soon be on my facebook ^_^ After that I went to mom and dad's for dinner with the family, and a good time was had by all. By that time, though, I was pretty tired so I ended up skipping the cast party. Aaron is pretty disappointed that I didn't bring him his cigar, but he'll get over it :p

And now it's Monday. Nothing to really worry about this week but schoolwork, prepping for The Boxer auditions, and relaxing :D

God has been very good to us...

<3

I don't feel like blogging

2009-10-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

But i don't like not having updates.
I want to rename my blog. need suggestions.

so, there's a few people coming to the show tonight... I'm super excited ^_^ more about post-show activities than about the show itself, but the show will be fun too. most likely i'll spend the whole time making myself cute. but i pretty much already look cute so that might get redundant/restless, a bit. lol, who knows?

1.5 hours till the weekenddddd. it's gonna be such a good weekend! show and party tonight, football thing at marks in the morning, then Bus Stop matinee, hang out with the cast, Bus Stop evening performance. Sunday church, then Matinee, then dinner with the folks, then cast party. Maybe I'll take a nap or two... but probably not. I will be sleeping in though, so that's something :D

alrighty. i'm done. gonna go check my bank account and answer phone calls... one hour to the weekend.... !!!

<3

Centennial Celebration!

2009-10-13T04:26:00.000-07:00

ok, so technically I can't really say centennial, because that implies 100 YEARS... but this is my 100th post! exciting, right? it's been like a year and a half, so I guess that tells you how often I update... :p

so what to discuss in my 100th post? politics? religion? super hero comics? web comics? film reviews? Show experiences? friends and family? love and romance? so many possibilities... but I think the most fitting thing will be simply to say how wonderful and extraordinary God has been in my life. Just looking back, He's grown me and changed me in so many ways.. in a lot of ways I feel like I've gone in circles, but at the same time, there's a measurable distance between where I was then and where I am now-- a significant distance. God is good. He's brought me to exactly the place where I need to be, and sometimes I knew what was going on and sometimes I didnt. I'm so blessed to be at CTC, working and learning, and at the time I fought the CCCC option tooth and nail. I had my life tied in a bow, so I thought, and God had other plans. And I couldn't be more grateful :) I wouldn't trade this past year and a half for the world. And honestly, at this point, I couldn't tell you what's coming. ANYTHING might happen. I might get "discovered" and run off to New York (not likely).. I might be in Dallas for a few more years.. I might go to UNT and get a bachelor's after all.. I might move to Chicago and be a vagabond. I might marry a youth pastor and go into full-time ministry. I might join a ministry troupe and travel for awhile. I might START a ministry troupe and travel for awhile. I might learn some more and get involved with KCM's television/film dept. I might elope and move to London. I might join a band and go on tour. The rapture might happen tomorrow. I might take a bullet for someone today. Time travel technology might develop, enabling me to go back in time to 1950 and woo Elvis Presley. Probably not... but you never know. Anything could happen :)

one thing for sure, I want to serve God and live life. I want to learn, and grow, and do, and be. I want to experience. I want to create. I want to believe, and see. I want to speak and be heard. I want to change.

So I guess if 100 posts is like a landmark, or a mile marker of sorts, then here I am. But what's ahead is more exciting than what's behind :D

More of the same(ish)

2009-10-12T04:16:00.000-07:00

ok, so goals for the weekend were sleeping, laundry, shopping and studying, right? and a good show, of course. Well the show went really well. Sleep? check. slept until noon on saturday and 10:00 on sunday. Laundry? check. seven loads of it. still got a couple that need to be folded though... >_> shopping? almost check. got everything but the couple of presents that i was gonna pick up.. I'll do that this weekend :)
ok and studying. no check :( I still feel utterly unprepared for my British Lit midterm. It's going to be multiple choice, which is a definite plus... still though. this prof is tough, and at the moment I just don't know my stuff. Which means, any downtime I have between now and tomorrow evening will be spent reading, reviewing, spark-noting :p

I want my hair to be lighter/brighter. What do you think, lemon juice or peroxide?

well, today and tomorrow off, then shows on wed-sun. Mark and Traci and I are supposed to go to the fair today... provided it stops raining. Let's hope! and then, I had bought a ticket to see Life Stories on Wednesday, but then discovered that I have a show on Wednesday so I guess I need to call the box office and see if I can get that switched to Tuesday (tomorrow). [note to self.. call saturn dealership about plates and dentist's office to make an appointment]. After British Lit exam tomorrow I jump straight into writing my Speech term paper, which I believe I have about a week to finish, or something like that. No matter, a day or two is more than enough for this paper. My prof doesn't particularly care for me and my opinions, but she's a sucker for my writing ^_^... which is nice; it means I always have a B.S. fallback if I run out of time on her assigments. :D

So looks like it's gonna be a decently busy week. I'm gonna do my best to sneak a few z's in where I can. I feel quite well-rested now though, and I'll be able to go to bed early tonight if I play my cards right, and I can always nap during the show if I really need to ^_^

life is good. I am so blessed.... Thanks, God. ^_^

<3

Close Call

2009-10-09T04:24:00.001-07:00

I missed my exit this morning. I was too busy trying to keep my eyes open to see that the exit i was passing was the one I needed to be on. ironically, the instant i realized that it was, I was wide awake. Joy. at that point, though, I had to keep driving until I could turn around... which ended up being in Rhome, TX. Needless to say, I sped like nobody's business to then make it to work on time. It was the grace of God (and perhaps the happenstance of the rain) that I didn't get pulled over, and a double portion of grace that I managed to not clock in late. I parked my car, didn't bother to lock it as i ran up the walkway (in heels. Praise the Lord that i happen to be wearing my easiest-to-run-in heels) and clocked in at exactly 6:00 a.m. with probably a whole 10 seconds to spare ;)
that's right, I live life on the edge! :p

Opening night last night went wonderfully. And for my part, I had everyone dressed, prepped, powdered and sprayed before the call for places and with time to spare! and they all looked good, of course ^_^
Every person has such a different face... i guess it's more obvious when you spend your time putting makeup on different faces. But honestly, everyone's faces is so different from anyone else's.. unique, i suppose. and working with other faces has also pointed out that i have [comparatively] a very high capability for wrinkles. Some people have very firm faces and virtually no wrinkles at all, even when they squish their face up. Aaron, for example, i have to create wrinkles on because his face has no lines! well, my face has an abundance of lines. ere go, I should probably take better care of my skin lest these wrinkles decide they might make themselves more visible in years to come. :p

British Lit midterm on Tuesday... guess we know how I'll be spending my weekend! doing laundry and studying when not at the show, and more studying in-between intermissions during the show. yup.

Going to the fair on monday!!! I'm so excited... totally worth skipping Speech class for. totally. :D

have a good weekend :) hopefully by monday I'll have accomplished much sleeping, shopping, and studying. we'll see ;)

<3

The prince has read Utopia...?

2009-10-06T04:35:00.000-07:00

The Bible can touch our hearts, order our minds, and refresh our souls. - Ronald Reagan (40th President of the United States of America)

I really enjoyed this quote. It's from a promotional synopsis of The American Patriot's Bible. I think we (myself included here) don't pay enough attention to how we should be seeking the Lord to change our country. Yesterday in devotionals Jacob talked about how it is our duty to pray for our country and our government and its leaders. Actually, he used the word duty three times, which I found amusing in a very juvenile sort of way ^_^. But immature puns aside, it really is our duty to be praying for these things, and to speak the Word of God over our country and its leaders. I'm going to endeavor to be better about that... I'll add it to the list >_>

Someone told me I was tiny yesterday ^_^. She said she didn't realize how skinny I was. In all honesty, I'm not very skinny at all, but I have a pretty petite form so when I'm in shape I look pretty small. And guess what... I'm getting there! I'm starting to be able to see my arms and legs tone up. My midsection (abs/back/torso) is always the first thing to slim down/tone up when I work out or lose any weight at all. So it feels good to see the workout affecting the rest of my body too and not just that "extra skin" that always goes away fairly easily. But anyway. Somebody noticed that I look thin and I was flattered ^_^.

So we're reading Utopia in British Lit. Man... I rather dislike the fact that I have to stumble and rush through it just so I'll know enough in time to pass the quiz and therefore the class. And this isn't the first book I've felt this way about in this class. Felt the same way about Chaucer, and The Green Knight, and all the histories of British Literature that I've had to skim more than read... blech. and the thing is they're all in a fine-print text book with very thin pages which, i don't know if you know, but that is just freaking obnoxious to read! This is good literature, and I'd like to be able to really read it, and enjoy it. And I'd like to read it out of a real book on real paper I think. It'd just be easier. Anyway. All of that was basically to say I enjoy classic British Literature (and I use that word classic pretty loosely here I suppose) and I hope that I find the time after this class is over to go back and read this stuff for real.

Oh yeah, Tom Elliott finally posted those photos from the shoot we did last spring for his photography class. The project was Fear/Nightmare, so some of the pictures are pretty weird, lol. Some of them are kinda pretty though, in an almost-goth kind of way. Anywho. They'll be up on my facebook soon. I'll post a link when they're up :)

Tuesday. Dress rehearsal tonight. Full hair and makeup (oi vey) Nap between intermissions? One entire book of Thomas More's Utopia (just pretend that that's underlined) to read before 5:30 today. 1 paper to write before 4:30 tomorrow. 4.5 hours of sleep last night... skipped the shower (our little secret). I'm keeping up :) And God is good, and I'm gonna make some extra Word time tonight I think. I could sure use it.

<3

Stormy with a chance of gumdrops

2009-10-05T04:23:00.001-07:00

Today is October the 5th. When did that happen??

seriously, like, I just started school... didn't I? and now Bus Stop is opening this week? I mean, on the one hand it feels like we've been working on it forever... but on the other hand, it's like what on earth we have to perform this for real? already??

So it was an exciting weekend i suppose. I was gonna go to the fair but ended up not since it was raining on-and-off. I'd rather go on a day when I don't have to worry about rides shutting down and whatnot. SO instead I hung out at traci's for a bit with mark and traci and whitney (andrew was sick :/) and we went to Brooklyn's and then saw Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs in 3D. I have to admit, 3D is pretty whatever with me. wearing glasses through a whole movie isn't all that comfortable, and once you get used to it the 3D doesn't really add all that much to the experience. my personal opinion. But in any case, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was SO good! I honestly did not expect to be impressed, but there you have it. Best animated film I've seen in quite some time.

Dress rehearsals all this week for Bus Stop, and we open on Thursday. Tonight I figure out the hair and makeup situation with everybody, and who needs help and who doesn't. Shouldn't be too bad :) and then I need to start working on my audition for The Boxer ^_^ I'm really excited... Like, I'm really interested in The Boxer... really like the script and I think I'd do really well in it. We'll see what the director is really looking for at auditions I suppose, but I have a good feeling about it, and I have experience with choreography, so that's in my favor :)
Even if I don't get cast or called back, though, auditions for Dream are that same week and I think I'm equally excited about that. Jon Christie is directing it, and I think it's really gonna be a good show. The characters and the synopsis are pretty interesting, plus it's an ALT Lab show, and those are always interesting :p

Well anyway, that's what's going on with me. I better get back to work now... >_> lol

<3

Stepping into Character

2009-10-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

I was reading in Hebrews 11-12 yesterday, and got a little nugget from the Lord :)
Anyway, Hebrews 12 starts out talking about how we should throw off everything that hinders and the sin that weighs us down, etc etc. and how instead of considering our sturggle, we should consider the struggle that Christ endured for us and take that as encouragement...
So I'm meditating on this, and thinking of a few other instances in the bible that talk about putting off the old man and putting on the new. And that, directly applied to some things in my own life, I saw in a new light. To me that had always seemed sort of like putting down something that i had before and picking up something that i was supposed to have. Or purposefully stopping doing something and starting doing something else. I mean, I guess that's not totally inaccurate, but i just saw it in a different way... and I like this way better. It's not about refraining from saying mean things when you're mad or whining about it when you're hurt so that you're walking out the motions of walking in love-- it's about ceasing to be that person who reacts to a situation or event out of selfish concern (hurt or anger or pleasure or what have you) and stepping into the love of God, seeing through His eyes, and through that reacting out of love. Not forcing yourself to love, but reacting out of love.

Ok I'm gonna make another acting methods connection here. One method of characterization that I've been exposed to is to literally visual the character, standing in front of you-- their looks, their attitudes, mannerisms, strengths, insecurities, beliefs, desires, motivations, etc. Build all of that into this visualization in front of you. It can be alive, or as a shell, with all of these things sort of dormant, waiting to come to life. When it's complete, you step into it. So that, in a sense, you're wearing this character-- you put it on, you become this person as you designed him/her. Whether they look like you or not. It could be a tree, or a bunny rabbit, or a fairy queen, or the girl who looks remarkably like you. Doesn't matter. You put it on, step into it, and you become that.

Well, I think that walking in righteousness (walking in holiness, walking in love, running the race, putting on the Armor of God, putting on the new man, living as a new creation... however you want to think of it) is quite similar. Take the armor of God for example-- you've got the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the shoes of [the readiness that comes from] the gospel of peace, the helmet of salvation, and the shield of faith. All of these you put on, except the shield of faith, you kinda would pick that up i think. anyway. same concept. Meditate on these, and how the Word says to apply these, and simply step into that. When you think about it that way, you're actually experiencing the world around you through these things-- like a filter, of sorts. But the point is, just like with this characterization exercise in acting you're becoming that character that you created in your mind rather than trying to immitate what it would look like, you're not trying to immitate what it looks like to have a breastplate of righteousness on; you're actually wearing a breasplate of righteousness. the difference of course being that you didn't create the breastplate of righteousness in your mind, it's an actual tangible tool given to you in the Spirit.

But all of that more or less just presented itself a moment ago. The way I experienced it yesterday is that, when you shed your own self, your selfish concerns-- rather than suppress them or ignore them-- and consciously step into the love of God and the way that He sees the people around you... suddenly you're not trying to walk in love. Because you're actually in love. And when you're in love-- in the midst of it, not just experiencing it from one side-- then it becomes the filter that you experience the rest of the world through. Your input AND your output come and go through love.

Pshew. I'd love to be able to articulate this better than that^ but it's hard to articulate things that you didn't learn in words. (interlude: Spirit Thing, by the Newsboys. oldschool) I'll chew on it a bit more. okay.

<3

Montana's not such a bad place..

2009-09-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

I've been going through some of my old posts today... its always so interesting to read one's own thoughts from times past. Some of the stuff i wrote i really like upon rereading it.. lyrics and whatnot. i kinda wonder why its been so long since i've written anything. maybe i just don't have enough down time.

you know what? I miss my Friths. yeah. just thought I might let you know that... :/

you know what else? I'm ready to not be having rehearsals every Sunday. It's really hard to go to a church whose earliest service is 10 am when you have to be at rehearsal at 11:30. blech.

hahaha
so guess who slept through her alarm and was an hour and a half late for work this morning? yeah, me. I mean, it could just as easily have been Susan, but it was me. We got out of rehearsal exceptionally late last night and my body has been wanting for rest lately too, especially with this silly cold/thing my immune system is taking care of. So i guess my body just threw a fit and decided not to listen when my alarm went off this morning. I didn't wake up until Tiffanie woke up and was like "..Bekah? What are you doing here?" and I was like "OH, CRAP!!"
lol. so I'm working an extra hour and a half after my usual shift to make up. I'm here until 3:30. it's really weird not leaving at 2:00... I feel like I'm in detention or something, like i have to stay and talk to the teacher after all the other kids leave class :/ lol. I am grateful that they're letting me make up the time though, for sure. this is NOT to happen again.

emotions are confusing. Maybe that's why i try to just ignore them most of the time. "Emotions are footprints in the rain" ..interesting statement there. Good song though. Trainwreck by A Rotterdam November.
anyhow. yeah. confusing. Who needs 'em. and I don't wanta go up to some God-forsaken ranch in Montana.

Slow again

2009-09-29T04:23:00.000-07:00

It's been really busy at work the last several days.. last week was crazy busy, with Sister Gloria on the Broadcast everyone wants to call in! When the youngsters are on their doesn't seem to be quite as much of a craze. No reflection on them of course.

*cough**cough*cough* ... *sneeze* *sneeze* ... *nose blow*
gross, right? that's been the last three days. today's infinitely better though. The last couple of days i basically kept coughing and sniffling and throat-clearing and nose-blowing and coughing and sneezing and coughing and everything just stayed the same. today I feel like my chest and throat and nose are actually clearing, quite a bit. I'm also drinking hot mint tea and that helps immensely. dumb sinuses... -.-

had a couple talks yesterday. cleared up some drama. no specifics. but it was beneficial :)

It is unreasonable that today is only Tuesday. I'm just saying. It ought to be at least Thursday. Seriously.

I was supposed to start my financial breakthrough kit yesterday. I didn't. I'm honestly making every effort not to procrastinate. I honestly am. sometimes things still have to be pushed back :/

I also watched Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog yesterday. (no, not wasting time. don't judge me on the order of my paragraphs) It was... interesting..

I wish more of my friends were bloggers. I'm not saying I want to go back to Xanga or anything... but it'd be nice to hear more people's thoughts from day to day. At least I think so.

<3

p.s.
almost to the 100th post. won't that be an occasion :p

All You Need is Love

2009-09-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Actually, all you need is FAITH and love. A little faith, and Love... and you're set. But good luck with the Love part without faith. ...just sayin'
(Hebrews 11:6)

Will you pray for me?

2009-09-25T04:13:00.000-07:00

I don't really feel like blogging, lol. But I guess I oughta post something, for the sake of having some semblance of consistency.

Yesterday at prayer an interesting thought occurred to me. I'm super blessed to be at KCM, and witnessing the power of prayer and faith in action pretty much daily. Prayer works, and I see it all the time. God does move in peoples lives and answer the prayers of His saints, and it's so obvious to me who gets to be an active part of a huge network of faith-filled believers daily. So anyway, I got to thinking about all of those people who don't really have much faith in prayer.. they don't really believe, it seems, that God legitimately moves today the same way He did 2000 years ago. But the thing is, these same people who don't really pray, don't really believe that prayers will make a difference, even maybe scoff at those who do... these are many of the same people that say things like "could you be praying for me" or "keep such-and-such in your prayers.." or "I'm just a-hopin' and prayin'".... now, to me, that's just silly. Why say you're gonna pray if you're not? and if you are, why pray if it's not gonna do anything? I feel like your time would be better spent reading a book (or whatever). How silly though, to act like prayer and petition are the most normal things (or at least the most normal things to say) and then in the next breath act like believing that your prayers have real and effective power is just plumb crazy. I say THAT's just plumb crazy. and hypocritical too, a bit.
So really I guess my argument here is, I'm not weird for taking God at His word and treating Him like a real person who cares about me and is an active part in my life and praying like my prayers will make a difference... You're stupid for acting like you believe God when you don't, treating God like He's some ineffectual idea, and praying (or saying you're going to, or asking someone else to) empty words that you don't even believe will be heard. What kind of sense does that make??

In other news, I still haven't got the character sketches for Bus Stop done. I'm going to knock out as many as possibly tonight.

Also, I went on a date the other night. It was fun :) Mark made us dinner and we watched a movie and ate by candle light and such clicheness. lol. Tiffanie pokes fun, but I think it was romantic. So yeah, good times :)

The day after an unpleasant one

2009-09-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Staff chapel this morning.. was really good. Pastor George talked about healthy relationships, especially families and marriages. Really good stuff. I heart Pastor George ^_^

...I want to get married... *sigh*

So rehearsal tonight... 7-10 pm. First normal rehearsal we've had so far, as far as length at least. We're doing alot of understudy work tonight, so I hope I'm ready for that :/ It's one thing to read lines with someone else on book, but it's another to try to remember them while doing blocking that I've only really half-learned so far... ugh. But I'm excited to finally be up on stage and working with people. We're also running alot of the Act III scenes between Bo and Cherie.. which means me and Jon... but we're both professionals. so no worries. yeah.

I need decorations for my desk at work. It looks pretty bland for the most part. Any suggestions?

Days of Refreshing

2009-09-15T04:22:00.000-07:00

6:21. am. Tuesday.
I think I only got a few hours of sleep last night... well oh well. I'll be responsible tonight, how about that?

Started P90X yesterday.. first workout was Core Synergistics.
...
It. Kicked. My. Butt.
and I didn't realise it until i got up this morning, but my back is really sore. Oh boy.

So this week is the Days of Refreshing at EMIC... I got to go the the service yesterday morning.. omg. SO good ^_^ Keith Moore spoke on not letting your heart become hard. God's awesome of course and saved me a seat on the second row.. and I loved every minute of it. And I'm gonna listen to it again today. Keith Moore is such a good guy :) I really like him. As a teacher, he tends to be very straight-forward, and some people think that he can be very blunt and almost harsh sounding... and I mean yeah he's blunt alot of times, he doesn't sugar-coat, but he's gentle. He gave a slightly sobering call-you-out-on-the-carpet kind of message yesterday, and it probably made some people a little uncomfortable I guess.. but I thought he was very gentle with it. Very this-is-the-deal, now-heres-what-we-need-to-do. you know? that doesn't seem harsh to me...

I've had some melancholy moods lately.. because of the rain and some other things. I've tried to even write some prose or poetry a couple times, but the artsiness that usually comes with such melancholy seems to be in short supply. well, whatevs. :)

Disease (the Amplified version)

2009-09-10T05:50:00.000-07:00

The subject came up in my mind this morning, through a series of thoughts that would be complicated to relate in text, of Ease. Gail, the Director of Bus Stop and teacher of my Acting class last semester talks about ease quite a bit. It's one of Michael Chekhov's "Four Brothers In Art," or BEEF: Beauty, Ease, Entirety, and Form. But she comments a lot and encourages her students and actors to be Easy, to move with ease, and not with a sense of disease. It makes sense, and I've seen the difference onstage. Lately though, God's been showing me more and more than every good and perfect thing comes from above-- which means basically that we have God to thank for any and every good thing, yes, but in apply-this-to-more-than-just-church terms to me means, every bit of "worldly" goodness, every solid practice and truthful principal, whoever says it and wherever it's found, leads back to a Biblical principal, and to God Himself.

I was thinking yesterday about a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson's School of Divinity Address: "If a man is at heart just, then in so far is he God; the safety of God, the immortality of God, the majesty of God do enter into that man with justice." I think that Mr. Emerson was a wonderful essayist and philosopher, and in this particular quote he puts forward [in a different sense] exactly the principle I'm observing. If there is good, then there is God. Jesus said no one is good but God... now I'm not trying to make the argument that therefore God is in everyone and so everyone is saved. I'm not talking salvation here. I'm saying that anywhere you see goodness, you're seeing the character of God. And I'm saying that everyone, and everything, be it religious, secular, outside the church or not, are illustrations of "Biblical" principles-- which are, in fact, the principles of nature, the principles of creation.

Take the concept of "Ease," for example. If you do things with a sense of ease rather than a struggling dis-ease, if you will, you will find that you perform better, that you feel better, that your body responds better. You are livelier, natural, believable. Disease, on the other hand is forced, a struggle, unnatural, uncomfortable, incredible, and generally unpleasant. This we can pretty basically observe. But why is that?

In the Bible, and the New Testament especially, we see a lot of references to "peace" and "rest" always as something to obtained, maintained, received. It's a goal to be reached, more or less; it's what we want. Ps 37:37 says "Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright; for the end of that man is peace." On the flip-side, we have words from Jesus like, "Don't worry about tomorrow", "blessed are the peace-makers" and Paul saying "Cast your burdens on the Lord".. etc. basically, peace = good. Worry/burden/antipeace = bad. I'm seeing a connection here with the whole ease = good, disease = bad concept. So I did a word study on "disease."

Here's a few synonyms for Disease:
distress, or uneasiness of mind-- caused by fear of danger or misfortune.
anxiety
Travail (painfully difficult or burdensome work; toil)
grief
calamity
Psalms' use of "Disease" is confusing, but it's along these same lines..
debility, enervation (to deprive of force or strength; destroy the vigor of; weaken)
enfeeble
ailment (physical or mental disorder)

...how interesting that even though many times it is a physical sickness or disorder (out of order), it just as often (or more) is more mental, and spiritual. And several times in the Bible, wherever the word "disease" is used, it's preceded by the word "evil." (evil disease)
so I think we can all agree that disease = bad, and much more than just physical sickness. It encompasses striving, toiling, sadness, misfortune, pain (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual), disability, weakness, dis-order...

Now here's the fun part. In Matt 4 & 9 (among others) it says that Jesus healed ALL manner of disease (i.e., restoring ease.) Hey, buddy! Let's go through that one more time.. that means He put a stop to striving and toiling (vain effort for something that God's already done), restored JOY instead of sadness, fixed calamities and misfortunes (unfortunate events causing discomfort), relieved pain (physical, mental, emotional AND spiritual), created ability where there was disability, supplied strength where there was weakness, restored order where things had gotten out-of-order. I mean, if that doesn't just make you wanna sing... then read one more chapter. Because in Matt 10 He gave the disciples (and.. I'M a disciple) "power against unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness and ALL manner of Disease."
Heyyy... you know what that means?

That means I don't just move with ease on stage... I don't just abide in peace, and in God's rest..
I create ease. I get rid of ALL manner of dis-ease, everywhere I go. 'Cause I'm with Jesus. Whew! Gail didn't know she was preaching a sermon when she said to move with ease....

C.M. Dill

2009-09-09T04:31:00.000-07:00

Cass wrote a crazy-awesome note on facebook. You should check it out if you haven't already.

I haven't learned my lines yet for Bus Stop :/
And basically, I have until Friday to be off-book. Good times.

worked out lightly yesterday... enough that i felt fatigue when I was done but I wasn't exhausted. And enough that I can feel a little soreness in certain places now, but I'm still able to walk :)

My coffee this morning is extra-sweet. But I'm okay with that.

You know, I realized the other day that.. I miss my friends. I don't see most of them very much anymore. I see the people I work with, and the people I'm in a show with... and I mean I see Mark and Traci and some DYA kids quite a bit... and I live with Tiffanie but I don't really see her all that much lol. I haven't hung out with Sam or Whitney or Autumn or Daniel or Joel or Ariel or Heather or Hucks or Quinton or Sarah or.................
I mean alot of times it's because of location and distance, and I suppose that can't be helped or held against me. (And I didn't even mention my west tx and out-of-state friends..) But most of it's just due to scheduling. I mean, I do what I gotta do and I'm more or less resigned to the fact that there's no way around that affecting my social life... but still. I miss my friends. Somebody want to hang out this weekend? I can put my homework off for a few hours... :)

couple quotes from cass's recent work to end this post..

"Love is absolute, all-consuming, all-encompassing. It is wilder than a violent cylcone, gentler than an evening breeze. Love is louder than a volcanic eruption and as silent as the depths of space." -C.M. Dill

"This is our essence: mine and Yours. You are a supernova of passion, and when You found me I was redefined." -C.M. Dill

Ariele Beriyah

2009-09-08T04:05:00.000-07:00

Hah. So that to-do list, from my last post? yeah, didn't exactly work out as planned. I got a minimal amount of reading done for class.. I still have the rental.. I didn't get home until everybody was leaving the apartment already.. the double date was fun, albeit shorter than I had anticipated. lol. Script? yeah.... not so much. We'll get some work done on that tonight.

But all in all, twas a good day. I got to sleep late, relax around the house for a bit, chill with the sistas...
My nephew is really smart. Did you know that? Like, as smart as I was at his age... though with ever so slightly less reserved behavior. (I feel like that was an awkward phrase, but I'm not going to change it.)

So I still want to get a motorcycle. I feel that would be perfectly reasonable-- smart, even. idk. I want one. It's that feeling when you thought something was going to happen a certain way or you were going to do something and it didn't happen that way but then you're still like, "well.. i still think its going to happen that way" and then laterit does. yeah. something like that.

Speaking of vehicles, I've named the saturn. Ariele Beriyah. Both are Hebrew... Ariele I find fitting to the look and feel of the car, based mostly on the sound of the name. It means lion of God, and is synonymous with Jerusalem in the old testament. I changed the spelling of course... Ariele looks more graceful than Ariel. Beriyah (Bri for short) mean "new thing". It's a good name for her :)

so today I have work until 2, work out after work (aiming to be done by 2:30, or at least out of the parking lot by 2:45) thus day one of my embarkment toward impeccable health and fitness. After that, head home & finish any reading for class tonight that I havent by that point, and Mark's gonna meet me at my apartment and follow me over to the car rental place in my car so I can finally get rid of that silly lily rental and be driving my own car :D

Alright. no exceptionally interesting thoughts today... but there's an update. enjoy :)

Labor Day :D

2009-09-07T09:10:00.000-07:00

so, today is Labor Day. Praise the Lord! I can use it, for sure.
SO rehearsals this weekend went very well... I'm actually behaving like an understudy now (meaning most of what I do is watch and take notes, lol) so the rehearsals are not as active for me as when we were doing character work. But I'm still learning quite a bit and have just as much outside-rehearsal work to do. At times I feel like I could be dramaturging this play. lol.

so today, I am
Taking the rental up to DFW and dropping it off (because all of the local branches are closed today)
Naming my new car
Getting caught up on reading and assignments for this week
Going over script and doing yet more research for Bus Stop (of course)
Hanging out at the apartment with some friendsss
Double date tonight lol

yay Labor Day ^_^

We Got This Crate of Soaps In...

2009-09-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

So it's just occurred to me—
I’m reading brother Kenneth’s prophecy from oct. 2008, on our "Marching orders".. basically like 4 simple points to staying in the Blessing. Good stuff. If you haven't read or heard it, you can view it at http://www.kcm.org/sites/kcm.org/files/cck/prophecy/field_prophecy_attachment/Kenneth_Copeland_Prophecy_pay_attention_0.pdf Anyway, it occurred to me that a lot of my friends would probably place under the category of crazy the notion of not paying any attention based on political and economical action, as the government’s concerned. But I mean, that’s exactly what we’re supposed to do. I mean, as applies to our own business, basically there’s no reason to much acknowledge what the government does and doesn’t do. Makes perfect sense from a faith standpoint. Like a jigsaw puzzle with four fun pieces! :p And then it just kindof works out, what we see of it.
Idk, I just thought of it in that light I suppose because yesterday Mark and I were talking about politics.. and it’s interesting how we can have essentially the same sensibilities and objectives, and yet such fundamentally different viewpoints. Mainly we were discussing the issue of socialized healthcare. But anyway, so I suppose my mind was on politics a bit, and there are a lot of people I know who think it doesn’t make sense to depend on God for economic stability and support. Like, I guess it just doesn’t occur to them. So it’s interesting (and, in a way, a little thrilling) to be able to say to them, “well, I know it doesn’t make sense to you rationally, but just listen to what I say, disagree if you want, but watch what I do and see how it plays out.” I mean, like the car thing. It’s one thing for me to tell God, between Him and me, “ok God. Now, You said You’d supply all of my needs.. and this is definitely a need.. so I trust You to do that.” And a little bit more of a thing to say before other people, “I have this need, and God said He’d take care of it, so He’s gonna. Watch and see.” It’s scary if you think that whatever happens is going to be a reflection on you. But how many times in the Bible did God say he would do something (esp for the Israelites) for His own namesake, as a testament to Him as God, not them as the people. How many times did Moses call God out and say, “Listen, You said You’d [do this] so it’s your own reputation on the line, whether we deserve it or not.” So I mean, I feel like I’m within my respectful rights to hold that up and be like, “You said You’d do this. So I’m gonna let You do it. It’s on You, and if You do it, then it’s on You and I’ll tell people. And if You don’t do it, then its on You and I’ll tell people.” Honestly, I didn’t say that second part. But I did say basically, I’m doing what You told me to do, so if I’m doing anything wrong then You better let me know and I’ll fix it because otherwise You get all the credit either way. I mean, my initial reaction is to kindof recoil and be like, “I don’t know if I can hold God to the line like that..” but then, why not? It’s nothing more than taking Him at His Word.. which is faith.
So… I’m kindof excited. Because I know a lot of people who understand with a visual example what they don’t understand without. You know? It’s exciting to realize that you are proof that when you act on what you believe (when what you believe is the Word of God), you’re taken care of. And those things that you said that might not make sense to someone who’s not seeing the whole picture play out right in front of them (and you). And the you can be like “see, even if it doesn’t make sense to you, it works. So maybe you should pay attention ;)”

Alright.. I probably should return that box of soap… :/

Afterword from Cass: "A definitely agree. God never tells us to do anything He isn’t also willing to do. He says we are accountable for the words of our mouths. Therefore, so is HE!! He goes to and fro throughout the world looking for someone who is willing to put pressure on His Word. Some one He can show Himself faithful to. That’s the Glorious Church we keep hearing about. One who is willing to stake everything on God’s word and let Him show off to the world on their behalf. Very, Very exciting."

Can It Be Saturday Now?

2009-09-04T04:21:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. yay. that means the weekend is tomorrow, for most people. for me it means the weekend is 17 hrs away yet. And counting.

rehearsal tonight... I'm really not prepared. Hopefully by then I will be but... well we'll see. It's been a bit of a rough week, and I really did not get to do as much work during the week as I would have liked. So today I guess I get to play catch-up. yay. Or maybe I'll spend most of the rehearsal writing down blocking. That'd be ok with me too.

4 o'clock seemed to come unreasonably early this morning. I mean really. I woke up and all I could think was "nooooo.. more sleeeeep. pleeeeassse." yes, I'm very whiney when I'm tired. Nonetheless, here I is at Kenneth Copeland Ministries, alert and ready to be dishin' out some Word.Honestly, though, I'm predicting a highly caffeinated day. and like twelve hours of sleep tomorrow. yeah.

Update on the car situation: God is good, and I love my daddy, and I'm provided for :) ..at considerably less than I was anticipating, too. Did I mention that God is good? I mean, it's no motorcycle... but never fear. that possibility is still there ;)

RIP Sylvia

2009-09-02T04:08:00.000-07:00

so Colorado was wonderful. Lots of hiking, and relaxing, and nature, and a little bit of shopping... it was nice :) honestly though, by the end of the week I was ready to get back to the real world!

Collin theatre held the first auditions of the season for Bus Stop and Life Stories: A Musical Revue. I auditioned for Bus Stop, and got cast as an understudy. I really didn't expect to get called back, to be perfectly honest. I completely blanked in my prelim audition... yikes. But I got called back, and I didn't make the original cast, but I'm understudying for Cherie. Which I'm happy with. :)

Life has been hectic the last couple of weeks. Between work, class, rehearsal, outside character work and this ridiculous reading schedule my british lit prof is imposing, I'm having to work hard not to let my Word time and my sleep time go by the wayside. Weekends help alot with the sleeping part. Work helps with the Word part, though I do try not to let it depend on having time at work. Honestly though, sometimes at work is the only time that I get to my Bible in a day. It happens.

So Sylvia (my car) has been decommissioned. Her life was cut short :(
what happened was, Sunday night there was a police chase and the guy running from the cops hit my car, which was parked outside of my apartment. It was a shock to my system, but I made arrangements to get it taken care of and everything (with help). Yesterday the insurance people told us that it's been totalled. So basically... I'm out of a car for the moment. I have a rental until Monday, and I have two AMAZING friends who have already offered to let me borrow their car until I can get one of my own. I'm not worrying. I mean, yesterday, I definitely had a bit of a meltdown. The mourning for my car mixed with the "what am I going to do?" sentiment mixed with the "I was already trying to keep up this is not a good time for a change in plans" mixed with Lord even knows what else all kindof melded into a *fun* little crying spree. Naturally I had no desire to drive to school and flunk a British Lit quiz in that condition, so basically I skipped class and went to Mark's house and blubbered for awhile. Then I did my homework and sat down and wrote out all of what I have to work with, and we finished Defensive Driving (finally), and the world seemed a little lighter. Praise the Lord for good friends.

The bottom line is really, my hands have been emptier than this before; God took care of me then, and He'll do it again. Besides, He said He would provide all of my needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus-- so now He gets to follow through on that. I mean I'm not being cocky and I'm not saying, "God, you better do this for me!" I'm just saying.. He said He would. So now He has to. It's His name that's on the line, really. So I can't wait to see what He gives me ^_^

Leaving for CO tonight...

2009-08-14T04:15:00.000-07:00

I'll be there for a week. plus this weekend and next weekend

oh boy. went to the Dallas Museum of Art last night with a bunch of friends... I'll come back later today probably and make an edit to tell all about those shenanigans... long story short, got home at 12:30 last night, slept throught my alarm and woke up to my second alarms set for 5 min before my goal departure time. funnn. it's one of those give-me-espresso-and-don't-ask-questions mornings. hah. currently I'm walking in place/doing a little dancin at my desk to Canton Jones. come on, blood flow! ok. more later. ok. :D

Drink Up That Swimming Pool

2009-08-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

I really enjoy C.S. Lewis' thoughts and writing. I could spend a whole afternoon browsing quotes from C.S. Lewis. In fact, yesterday, I very nearly did. Here's a few with an interesting thread..

"The surest way of spoiling a pleasure isd to start examining your satisfaction."

-C.S. Lewis

"The true enjoyments must be spontaneous and compulsive and look to no remoter end"

-C.S. Lewis

"Many things-- such as loving, going to sleep,, or behaving unaffectedly-- are done worst when we try hardest to do them."

-C.S. Lewis

So I'm not getting my car radio fixed right away-- gotta get the rest of it fixed up first :)

BUT.. I did get my dresser put together yesterday. I mean, it's not occupied as of yet, but it looks like a dresser.. baby steps, right? lol.

Leaving for Colorado tomorrow night... I haven't started packing yet.. oh boy.

Man... working at Kenneth Copeland Ministries... there are just so many resources all around me.. and not to mention the Bible which is bottomless, and the flood of new revelation that just keeps on acomin' lately... I don't even know where to start. I want to cover all of this, take it all in, but I just can't handle it all at once. It's like if I were thirsty, and I asked you for some water, and then you threw me into your swimming pool and said, "drink up". But then, God did say he would open the windows of heaven and pour out blessings such that we wouldn't have room to receive them. So I guess.... bring it on >:)

The good, the bad, and the ugly (so cliche)

2009-08-12T04:03:00.000-07:00

well. I'm all signed up for defensive driving at Golden Corral on August 29. 9am-3pm. yuck. but I'll follow it up with some CLUE action and all will be well :)

I located a place that can fix my CD player... It's gonna be a little 'spensive sounds like.. but we'll see ;) I have the favor of God.. maybe they'll look at it and be like, "oh. I can fix that. don't worry about it." lol. Anyway, I'm taking it in after work today... just gotta figure out where it is... :p

I didn't get my dresser put together. Not even close. BUT, I did take a nap. And go see G.I. Joe. Which was pretty darn awesome. Not quite up there with Iron Man, but it was going in the right direction and came fairly close :)

Next on my list, after getting my car fixed, is to:
A) track down what books I need for my classes and find out what day they actually start
B) file a change of address.. needs to be done.
C) make a dent in the long list of Terri Foy and Jeremy Pearsons teachings that I've been meaning to get my hands on... these might not actually happen in exactly this order. lol.

So I didn't have to iron any clothes this morning. Sooo nice. I actually got out of the house almost 10 minutes early :)
I've been reminded lately of something Billy Burke said at one of our KCM staff chapels a few months ago (I wasn't here for it, but it was one we were shown during training)
... He said something to the effect that, working in the ministry will pull out of you whatever you've got on the inside of you. Spiritual fruit will begin to manifest according to what seed you have been receiving-- but there's two sides of it. It wont be JUST patience, goodness, kindness, peace, etc. that manifests, it'll be whatevers inside of you. the good AND the bad, the glory AND the ugly. lol. I guess you could say we've seen some of that in me lately. I've been growing and filling up alot.. ALOT alot. But obviously there's some junk in there too, and what's in there is what's going to be manifest in my life. On the bright side of that, when it comes out is when you can deal with it, and find out where it's coming from, and pull it up by the roots. Fun stuff. Except, gardening is really not my pastime of choice...

Pinch of Salt, Dab of Grace

2009-08-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

so my last post was... emotional, to say the least. But i'm going to leave it up. This is my official, "i know better than what i wrote there." Actually, I knew even as I was writing it that those were just feelings and would pass soon enough.. but it helps me sometimes to spit the feelings out so I've got a little room to iron out the thoughts and be completely honest with God. So I'm leaving that blog intact, but don't read it without reading thisd afterthought, and the many blog entries accessible from this site that rave about God's goodness. because I mean, He's pretty swell, and deserves a better shout-out than what I afforded yersterday.

You know, I miss writing. I know only a couple of people read this blog, including Cass who like a stalker reads it and never lets on.. But it's beneficial for me, I've decided. And who knows, if I start writing something actually relevent to more than myself, I might even get a few more readers. :p

So today's Tuesday... another glorious day at Kenneth Copeland Ministries. If you ever get the chance to visit KCM Partner Center in the wee small hours of the morning, do it. It's one of the most peaceful places on this earth. Nobody's here but night security and last shift prayer ministers, who've been praying literally all night.

Today I need to:
-sign up for defensive driving. (via phone? hrm, we'll try internet first... then phone :)
-get the cd player in my car replaced (it got a cd stuck in it.. no bueno. we got the disk out, but it befuddled my CD Player.. so off to get a replacement asap. road trip on friday, and cass just got the wcbc cd's... and I'm not making that drive without a cd player. nuff said.)
-put my dresser together and move my clothes into it... and iron and hang up the rest. (Somehow I'm not entirely convinced this one's gonna be completed today)
-Chill. maybe do a little journaling? writing? watch a movie? sleep? we'll see...

Two bites I'm chewing on today...
Ezekial 36:26 &
Matthew 6:33

good stuff. peace out \m/

because i can

2009-08-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

two in one day... because i want to vent. Or, perhaps whine would be closer to the truth.

a long time ago, it was prophesied over me that i would be like an explosion. basically, that i would be in some people's lives the blast that tears down whats already there and clears the way for God to build something new. In a way, this has been true. At that time, I didn't really know what to expect of that. I mean... it sounded god i suppose... i don't know how i'm going to be the clearing dynamite for God's building projects... i guess i just kinda figured i was gonna be so hardcore for Christ it would just blow peoples minds. And maybe that's happened. But on the other hand, i can think of a few instances where it's not so pretty as it sounds. And i feel alot more like 9/11 than dynamite joe. Things have happened and someone's mindset about who they are and who God is and this world and the people around them are completely revamped and it's for the better, and at the end of it all i look like the complete bad guy. It really doesn't look like i was a planned part of the building process, it just looks like i was some huge natural disaster that God somehow brought some good out of. and i know its not necessarily how it looks to me or another person or everybody else that's really important in the grand scheme but... it still kinda hurts.
people tell me all the time how amazing i am and yet its pretty much plain and obvious how much i'm really not. i'm supposed to be a light to the world and all i can think is that i wouldn't really want to look at me.. dont see whats so special. and if i really am... then how come it always seems like it's a matter of time until im back in that same place watching everybody else at the groundbreaking ceremony, and no idea why i'm not?
i don't know... i guess it's good to get some thoughts out...

a little blurb and some recap

2009-08-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

I recently watched the movie Julie and Julia.. with Meryl Streep and Amy Adams (whom I find myself beginning to adore)
anyway, the movie is basically about Julie blogging about her life following in the footsteps of Julia, so to speak. It looked like such fun, it made me want to start blogging again. ..or, just reminded me. lol. not the London hasn't been reminding me anyway.

okay, for all you supplement-takers out there, do you ever burp sometime after taking vitamins, and it tastes like vitamins? I find this experience exceptionally unpleasant. Hello body, obviously if I wanted to taste the substances I'm consuming, I wouldn't be consuming them in pill form.

so three months. wow. For the sake of keeping the blog at a justifiable length, I'm going to try to do a basic recap for those of you who are interested in 100 words or less. here we go...
Alright. Last post was in May... since then there's been June, which I spent working at Dallas Young Artists, stage managing The King And I, and working with lots of incredibly talented young people, and an amazing production staff that I count myself privileged to have been a part of. At the same time I worked what hours I could at Roots and made some money :) Also in June I was hired as a CSR for Kenneth Copeland Ministries, and Jon and I decided to stop seeing eachother, romantically. The break was amicable, no worries.
Then comes July. July I started training at KCM, and loving every minute of it. It's a wonderful thing, to be right where you're supposed to be and know that you know that you're in the will of God. In a way, I feel like I'm being paid to go to Bible school. Part of my job is to have at least a somewhat comprehensive knowledge of KCM products and activities, so I spend my downtime between calls reading books, or the bible, or watching broadcasts, or recorded meetings, or staff chapels, or prayer... or bloggin, as it were. But what you put in is what you're gonna get back, quite literally. Did I mention that I'm a huge fan of this job? God takes such good care of me...
Some other things happened in July.. I moved into my new apartment.. developed friendships that were made at DYA some.. some other stuff.
August somehow is half over already... wild...
Alot of time has been taken up with working and getting settled in the new apartment and whatnot. Hanging out when I have the time... I've started working out regularly, except for last week when I was at the Southwest Believer's Convention as much as possible. I had a run-in with poison ivy, which has happened many many times past without so much as a red bump on me... this time it got into my skin though and the results were less than pleasant. The Lord healed me though, and my momma took care of me and gave me some stuffs to speed the process along. nice try, poison ivy.

That was more than 100 words I'm sure, but I've no actual desire to count. You'll hear more about August as it comes and goes. But that's it for now :)

oh blogger, where art thou?

2009-05-22T06:19:00.000-07:00

so it's been awhile. this is becoming a bad habit, most of my entries seem to begin thusly. well, what are you gonna do? life only goes so slow, and my organization skills have been lacking of late.

so, as you know, this past semester has been crazy. I always felt like I was half a step behind, and i was most of the time. well semester's over I'm done with all of my gen ed's (except 1 lit class and foreign language, bleh), and miracle of miracles-- I landed A's in all of my classes and 2 awards from the shows I did in Collin Theatre. I got to present an award too ^_^. I've learned so much and I'm in the best place I could conceivably be in to continue learning and working in the industry. I've got a gig lined up this summer doing tech (which I will expound upon momentarily) and a couple of auditions coming up as well... I'm hoping top be back ON-stage as well as back-stage pretty soon. I'm in such a good place right now... God is so good.

anyway. now it's summertime, and what are my plans? pretty darn flexible for the most party :D
this week and next week I'm considering vacation time. I'm working at Roots and hanging out with friends and hangin out at home and that's about it. and man.. it's nice. sleeping in, actually seeing people and being able to hang out until whenever, having time to do little things, crafts, things around the house, surf youtube... things i just haven't had time for in forever.. it's nice. Then, come June, i'm doing an internship at Dallas Yound Artists.. Assistant Stage Managing for their production of The King And I, working with Mark Mullino, Vonda Bowling, Cory Boulieris, and a number of other talented connected people in the industry, and learning. ALOT. I'm so psyched ^_^ ... It's mon-fri, 8-5... like a real job. lol. In the meantime I'll be working nights and weekends at Roots, and going to Northstar consistently (which I'm EXTRA excited about) and whatever else fits in-between. maybe do some yoga like I've been wanting to :D
then the weekend of June 12-14 I'm going down to west TX with John Swinney. I'll leave on friday afternoon, get there friday night, hang out with some old buddies, etc. etc. Sat morning i'm gonna get up early and head over to Rocksprings to see my beau ^_^.. spend the afternoon with him and then head back to midland after dinner, more hanging out, then go to cornerstone that sunday morning, more hanging out, and then head on back to Dallas! Oh and I'm getting photos done somewhere in there with Kayla... I need to get some headshots done for my resume and she is very very graciously helping me out at a very loving price :) gotta figure out where we're fitting that in though... :/

then auditions for CLUE are at the end of June... which means hopefully I'll have rehearsals to go to starting in July! :D
so, a pleasantly busy but not overwhelming summer. Does it get any better than that?

I'll try to update again soon so I can post more than just a scheduling update. Thats another great thing about not being constantly overbooked, overworked, and sleepdeprived: time to daydream. When i'm burnt out, even when i have downtime i'm not there.. i'm spacey, my mind goes blank. When i'm feeling good, and i'm rested and energized and in a good place spiritually, physically, and mentally, I daydream-- i think about things. I have real thoughts, ideas, inspirations... it's great. alright. done for now. thanks for reading :)

so tired...

2009-04-11T06:17:00.000-07:00

need.. sleep.

must. crash... now.

zZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Resurrection Sunday... and just

2009-04-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

So this weekend is "Easter Weekend" ...today is good friday, and sunday is easter sunday. i have to say, i hate the amount of Christians that celebrate with bunnies and eggs and don't even care that theyre worshipping a pagan diety. the vast majority of them don't even know. i hope never to just do things in ognorance like that.. and if i am, i should hope that there are people in this world who care enough about me to correct me. BUT
the real point of this weekend is to honor Christ, and remember all that He did through us through His death, burial, and resurrection so many years ago. my family will be in town, and i'm excited to be hanging out with them. I'll actually be writing a paper all weekend, but i can squeeze in some quality time too, i'm sure. Tonight i've got a couple of parties (one housewarming, one birthday) to go to, so today's gonna be pretty busy.
I keep thinking of the human video that Todd and I did with the youth at cornerstone for Resurection Sunday last year. It's a powerful sketch... I would love to do it again. And then I think of Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, and what a good film that is. Not in an entertaining way, but in a truthful, powerful way. There's power in the truth.. there's freedom in the truth.
And then I think of this year, and how my schedule has hardly changed for the sake of this weekend. It's basically business as usual, you know? I mean I'll stop for a minute and reflect on all that Christ's done for me, or at least start to... and then what changes? I don't like this admission, nor the realization behind it. I'm going to make this weekend a time that I earnestly seek the Lord and honor Him for who He is and what He's done for us. And still get my research paper done. lol. But yeah. I'll try to remember to write here about the outcome of this weekend sometime early next week.

So I went to a tentmeeting revival service thingie with Jon on wednesday, and there was one particular moment in the message where the speaker was talking about a verse from 2 Thessalonians and trying to explain Paul's purpose for writing what he did, etc. etc. And he used the word "just" like 5 times within maybe 2 or three sentences: "He's just saying here.. Paul just wants them to.. We're just... And Paul just... So God just..." etc. etc. And that word kindof strikes a chord with me.. I don't like it. I try not to say it. We're actually not allowed to use it in my acting class.. we'll start to explain our character's actions and say "I just felt that-" and the prof will cut us off with "No, you did not 'just.' You did." Like, if you've ever seen Finding Neverland (and if you haven't, you should. goood movie) there's a part where Peter says, "he's just a dog." and James responds with,

"Just a dog? Just? tsk tsk tsk - Ortheos, don't listen to him! Ortheos dreams of being a bear, and you want to dash those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying he can't climb that mountain... he's just a man; or, that's not a diamond... it's just a rock. Just..."

I agree with this sentiment. you short-change yourself when you use the word "just", and I think (not always) it tends to belittle whatever point you're trying to make. If you JUST want God to give you the strength to make it through this day, then how the heck is He supposed to make you more than a conquerer? If you JUST want God to provide you with the finances to make it through this month without getting your electricity shut off, then how is He supposed to bless you with enough so that you can pay for someone else's electric bill? hmm? If you ask God to "just be with us tonight".. how much more can He really do with that? He's gonna be here, He was already gonna be with us because He already said He would.
Just. Such a confining word. Just....

<3

i kissed courting goodbye

2009-04-03T09:21:00.000-07:00

this post is going to be comprised mostly of complaints, observations, and opinionated rants. don't wear your feelings on your sleeve and get all offended on me, because i'm really gonna keep it pretty inoffensive.

ok. sam and i were talking the other day and the subject of dating came up (hardly a rare occurance) and we both pretty much agreed that the "courtship" movement did more harm than good. i consider my own personal history evidence supporting this opinion. sam jokingly said "i'm gonna write a blog sometime called "i kissed courtship goodbye" as a play on the popular courtship book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye". well, i beat him to it. now don't get me wrong, i approve of courtship. there are people who know that they know that they know that God has intended them for said person without ever dating them or whatever whatever. there are also those people who are set apart for eachother and know it from a very young age and dont ever date but court from that time till engagement. that's a beautiful thing, and kudos to them for being patient and obedient to God. I know a handful of people for whom that was the case. and i'm very very happy for them, and i have no doubt in my mind that that was the proper course for them. that being said, i also feel the need to point out that that situation is the exception, not the rule. not everyone meets their soulmate when they're 12, and not everyone gets a word from the Lord the moment they lay eyes on their future spouse. so bearing these things in mind, i'm going to point out a couple of things that "courtship" advocates generally are content to leave out.

1. IT IS OKAY TO DATE. going out with someone who is mutually interested in you, with whom you see potential for a relationship of the romantic nature (courtship) is not a sin, it is not wrong, it will not cause you to stumble into physical and/or spiritual impurity, and it does not mean you should be convinced that you are going to marry this person. no, i'm not saying that i approve of "dating around," or in other words casually dating just anyone you find attractive without giving it actual thought or "trying on" lots of different people or going out with someone you know from the beginning you're not going to end up with. that's foolishness and that's how feelings get hurt. and i also think it takes a significant level of maturity to date maturely. if two people can honestly and openly say to eachother "i enjoy spending time with you, i respect you, and i see potential for a future between us. i'd like to get to know you and safely and properly, without pressure, give this a chance to go somewhere. if it works out i know it will be wonderful. if it doesnt, for either of us, we'll maturely talk about it, and decide that our relationship is best kept at a friendship level." for alot of people, that is a pretty big stretch. if you are one of those people, i would say that it's in your best interest not to date OR court. and if you can't have dinner with someone without falling into physical lust or temptation, then either that is NOT someone you should be going out with or you're not ready to date. just like if you can't hug someone with both arms because you'll fall into lust or physical temptation, there is a deeper issue here than this hug that is going to need to be dealt with anyway. frontal hugs and hugs using more than just the one arm are not sexual guys. it's just a hug. yes, they can be made sexual or enticing or whatever, but thats not the general nature among friends. use your discretion people, but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.

2. FRONTAL HUGS ARE NOT BAD (see end of previous paragraph). on this same note, neither is kissing and holding hands. really guys? lets not be 13, okay? i understand the point of view that kissing is "dangerous" because it leads to other things etc. etc. kindof like marajuana is the "gateway drug"(except i wouldnt really compare kissing and marajuana any further than that because kissing is not a foreign chemical substance that affects the body's nervous system nor is it illegal in america). but i wold hope that if that were the problem and you begin to struggle with lust or "going farther" because of kissing than you ought to trust and feel you can depend on the person you're doing said kissing with enough to bring it up and if theyre a man/woman of God then they'll do what they can to help you with that rather than judge you for it or pressure you further etc. etc. if theyre not, then what the heck are you doing with them in the first place? and if you dont care that theyre not, then i wonder that you've gotten this far since none of this will affect you in any case. and if YOU'RE not, then policies and opinions on Godly dating don't really pertain to you, do they? so feel free to read or not read, detachedly.
now, if you're one of those people who has made the commitment not to kiss anybody until your wedding day because that is your conviction, rock on. more power to you. who am i to question your convictions concerning your body and your purity or cause you to break a commitment. shame on me if ever i tried. however. i don't think you have the right to project your personal convictions onto other people without a biblical basis for doing so. which, on the subject of kissing, you dont have. guess what guys? solomon and his love kissed before they were married. gasp! yeah, they did. and there relationship was still pure! in fact, it's the model that we use for biblical, Godly relationships. imagine that.

3. "NONDATING" IS NOT OKAY. alright. obviously no one who is presently engaged in nondating will call it nondating. i did during my last little stretch of it because i was just so darn tired of it. this activity/status is known by multiple aliases, such as "not dating" "special friends" "homeschool dating" and my personal local favorite, "lakeshore dating". as far as i know this isnt really all that common at lakeshore anymore, but it ws rampant during my generation. this is where the two people (usually teenagers) like eachother. they have mutual interest in eachother, they spend precarious amounts of time with eachother, they go out of their way to be sweet to eachother, they flirt with eachother, they would be perfectly willing to date/court eachother if they didn't have this concept from who-the-heck-knows-where that they shouldn't, and they hold these affections exclusively for eachother. they're not looking/interested in/ open to the possibility of another person. so here's the deal: theyre dating. i don't care if they call it dating or not, i dont care if they swear up and down and on things that they shouldnt that theyre "just friends". theyre dating. and you know what? that shouldn't be a big deal! (unless things are going on that shouldnt be going on, such as physical boundaries being crossed that shouldnt be, or one is pressuring the other, or they know that nothing's going to come of it in which case theyre wasting their time and their "special friend"s time. see point number 1.) the problem is theyre convinced that there is something wrong with dating or it's Godly not to date so they pretend it's something it's not or worse they dont talk about it, and all that brings is confusion. and in some cases it perpetuates a relationship that, had they openly acknowledged it and put a little time into it they would have seen harmlessly enough that it wasnt going to work out, but simply because they overthink it so much without putting it out in the open that they talk themselves into being so sure that it must be right whether it is or not. we're very good at rationalizing, and even fooling ourselves, when we want to. i've been guilty in the past of being interested in someone, but we believed in courtship, we didnt believe in dating, but nonetheless i liked the guy and i wanted it to happen so bad that i convinced myself that he was the one which sustained me through the long period of "nondating" before courtship. when we started courting it didnt take long for our personalities to clash and if we had openly dated in the first place we probably would have found this out alot sooner. as it happened, things were alot deeper and alot mroe serious when we finally broke it off than they would have been if we had simply investigated these things in the first place. this is why nondating is dangerous.
long story short: call it what it is people. two people pursuing eachother exclusively, whether they want to admit it or not (and honestly it's a bit immature not to. it's like the six-year-old who won't admit he likes his sister) they're dating. that doesnt mean theyre going to get married, and it doesnt mean theyre going to have sex. it means theyre dating. it means (if theyre doing it right) that they see qualities in that person that they would like to have in the partner of their life and they see some possibility that that person could in fact be their intended partner.
i was nondating a guy once. we were seeking God about the relationship (which i believe everyone should do, whether you're dating or not) and i believe that God had given me the "yes" to pursue a relationship with this person. as far as i know (and we had talked about it) he felt the same, but he felt he didnt have the "green light" to go ahead with the relationship. so we were somewhere between friends and dating and courtship.. etc. we were something but who knows what. my feelings and intentions for him were plain at the very least, but we were agreed on the whole "lets wait to date" decision. one day the topic came up in conversation with pastor jermaine and deanna stewart of my taste in men and this paticular guy who held my interest. i said "but we're no together yet" and pastor j said "well why not" and i said "we're waiting.." and he said "waiting? waiting for what?"
...i didn't have an answer for him. and to be honest, i still don't.
the other flaw with nondating is that you don't get to know the person with open romantic intentions. (now, when i use the word romantic, please don't mistake that for sexual. theyre not at all the same thing. i mean romantic, as in a very particular kind of love and/or interest.) the very simple fact of the matter is that you treat and act differently toward someone when you're pursuing a relationship with them than you would if your intentions didnt extend beyond friendship. and when you take it a step further and you're seriously considering spending the rest of your life with a person, that's different too. and it's foolish and dangerous to make the decision that you're going to make a relationship work with someone and spend the rest of your lives together and make them your partner in life, your other half, when you've never given yourself (or them for that matter) time to work out or at least get used to how you act in that sort of relationship, etc. there's a reason dating comes before courting. you act differently with someone when you're dating (or courting) them than you do when you're just friends, or "just friends" and the dating or courting relationship, because it's more open, is going to be the more accurate assessment.

4. FEELINGS ARE NOT EVIL. alright guys. i know we've all heard a thousand times not to go by our feelings, not to make decisions based on feelings, not to be looking for a feeling. that emotions are fickle, and deceptive, etc. etc. this is all true, and good advice. HOWEVER. emotions are not bad. emotions should not be utterly ignored. emotions are a God-given part of the soul-- not the flesh-- and are a part of life. you're not gonna get rid of them. you should never make decisions based solely on emotions, but neither should you cut them out entirely, or you'll be cheating yourself. there are aspects of life best experienced through emotion. some things are even best expressed with emotion. that's why we have them!! God didn't just stick that little aspect of humanity in there so we'd have something to hang us up all the time, and so we could spend our days beating back our natural reactions and never saying what we mean and think and feel. it is not wrong or bad to feel and express emotions! now, the confusion here comes with the whole "crucifying of the flesh, beating my flesh into submission, not giving life to things that don't line up with the Word" etc. this is all true and biblical and healthy and necessary for the growth and maturity of every Christian. but once again--don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. there are certain natures, tendencies, desires that are of the flesh, certainly. emotions and feelings (feelings is such a flexible word). anger, for example? not an unbiblical emotion. ok? ok. jealousy? also not unbiblical. fear? unnecessary and ungodly, but not something that is beaten by reppression. excitement? not unbiblical!! so seriously. stop bashing feelings and telling people not to be emotional. and if you must censor yourself because you refuse to acknowledge anything emotional, i reserve the right to be frustrated with you and point out to you that you're doing absolutely nothing to assist or further communication which is key to ANY relationships, platonic, romantic, or otherwise.

5. IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF LOVE OR MARRIAGE, YOU SHOULD NOT BE DATING OR COURTING. i think there are way more of us that are afraid to fall in love than are willing to admit it. be honest with yourself. if you have no intentions of falling in love, don't waste someone else's time pretending that you might. thats how hopes get dashed and hearts get broken. there's nothing worse than one-sided love, whichever side you're on. both sides suck. and i know you're secretly thinking, "but maybe love will come and sweep me of my feet despite my fears and reservations." that's very possible. not likely, but possible. i know hitch is a great movie and everything, but its still a movie. and everybody's story is different so a word of advice: don't keep your fingers crossed for somebody else's fairy tale. you've got your own to be living.
also, if you know very well that you're not anywhere close to being ready for marriage, what are you doing dating? are you gonna meet your future spouse, fall in love, and then have them waiting around for you to be "ready" to get married? not cool. i'm talking spiritually, emotionally, and intellectually here, not economically. i understand that especially men want to be in a position to support their family before they get married. as well they should. and alot of people want to finish school or something of that nature before getting married as well. that one i dont agree with so much, but i understand. personally i'm of the opinion that a husband and wife should work together for the success of their family. yes, the man is the head and provider of the household, but i have no qualms about working just as hard as my husband and helping him get us to where we want to be financially. and i'm also of the opinion that there is nothing wrong with getting married when you're still in school, or you're still in an apartment, or you still have some debt to pay off from school or whatever. but that's between each person and their partner and God. situations and convictions vary.

now, again, i am not in any way advocating "casual dating", or "dating around" or being with someone "just having fun". if there's obviously no future, you're wasting your time and theirs. if you're just having fun, you should be able to do that as friends. if you cant as friends that probably means theres something physical involved that shouldnt be going on anyway. own up to it, suck it up, and cut it off. there's not a gentle way to deal with that. and dating around is simply unnecessary. why on earth do you need to date more than one person at a time? if you're investigating the possibility of a relationship with this person, then you should be investigating that person and only that person. if you're not giving them your full attention in that department then you're not being serious, and you shouldn't be dating at all. if you have feelings for someone other than the someone you're dating, then what the heck are you doing dating them? that's called being divided, and it's a very dangerous and unbiblical way to be. and if you're going to be that way that's one thing, but staying involved with someone whilst you're divided, especially if you havent talked to them about it? you don't have the right to do that to someone. be respectful people. or at the very least be considerate.

alright. i'm done ranting. thoughts, comments, debates welcome. i'm not opposed to being proven wrong. thank you. *steps down from soapbox*
<3

the impending birth of who i was born to become

2009-03-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

so last night at the deep we had a "spoken" night. i kinda felt like i didnt have the right to share, or speak, or whatever. i mean i hadnt been there in about a month, and i hadnt exactly been on my knees seeking God's face every day for that month. i should have been. but ANYway. idk, God had shown me a couple of things during worship that i felt i might as well share as not, so i just kindof shared a couple of things along with where i was at and yada yada. in my usual rambling fashion. i'm acquiring a bit of a distaste for said rambling fashion.

my hair looks realy good today :) except for that icky blue-green that's still there :/
my ear is quite swollen. not infected though, i hope. i'm going to clean it today and hopefully relieve some of the pressure that's restricting the earring.

my dad's giving the scene shop a planer. they dont have one. cool ^_^

eh. can't really think of anything else to update at the moment. peace.

<3

2009-03-29T10:39:00.000-07:00

this post is mostly in reply to london, but it started to get pretty extensive so i decided to just put it in a post.

ok, so pretty much expounding on the few "things" that i mentioned vaguely in a previous post:

my facebook status says i'm "in a relationship". that was one of the vague things i referenced in a previous post. anyway, i'm dating a guy that i met working on big river (he was in the cast). it's not like casual, but it's not necessarily "serious" either. i put in a relationship because we're both seeing just eachother right now, to see if the mutual interest between us might lead to a deeper relationship, or if we'll be better as friends. so we're dating. not courting, just dating.

my plan for the next few years isnt completely set, but i'll be doing mostly school and theatre stuff. hopefully alot more theatre stuff. i'd like to get involved in ministry again too.. a friend asked me if i'd be interested in helping lead worship at a church out towards fort worth. despite the drive, i'm really really interested and hope that works out and i can start doing that. i'm going to check out northstar next week and i have a feeling that might be the right place to get planted. if that's the case it'll be more likely that i'll be getting an apartment out in that direction. i'm in the plano-dallas area nearly every day or night as it is, and the drive is a tough one. it's a tough call though whether it'll be better for me to get an apartment and take on the bills and slow down my savings and be in the middle of everything or to just suck it up and drive an hour and keep the job i have now. i've been meaning to get my parents' advisement on the situation but havent really had the opportunity (no time, with all this driving :p) so i'll have to get back to you on that. alot depends on them as well, if they'll be willing to continue paying for my school and car if i move out. if not, then it's really not a possibility.
as for school, that's the most structured part of my plan right now. I'm going to get an associates in theatre at collin county, take advantage of every opportunity there that i possibly can, and then finish a bachelors in business at UNT. so that's looking at 4 or 5 years to get to the end of those two degrees. more than i would like, but then again most 18-year-olds find themselves looking at 4 or 5 years to go for just a BA so i think i could do worse. and i can then take those couple of years i'm at UNT taking business classes and be involved at the theatre at the same time, so i still get to experience that as well even though i wont persay be studying theatre there, most likely. these plans are subject to change and absolutely i intend to follow the Lord whole-heartedly if He tells me in the middle of next year to pick up and move myself to Nebraska, but that doesn't seem likely so for now, this is the plan.

Mama's party is a little event that alot of people on the musical theatre scene tend to get involved in... it's basically monday nights Amy Stevenson (Mama) hosts entertainment at a little joint in Dallas called Bill's Hideaway. there are usually 3-5 performers featured in a night. she loves to find fresh talent so it's a good place for a new singer/performer to get his or her foot in the door and like i said alot of people on the musical theatre people are there so it's a good place to meet some cool people. most people that come already have some kind of connection that got them there (like me, i went because jon invited me to come watch him sing).. or theyre gay...

any further questions?

<3

blame it on this southern weather

2009-03-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

texas is freaking bipolar. seriously. it was in the upper 70's the week. and now? guess the weather now. yeah, it's freaking SNOWING. that's right. the only thing keeping us from a blinking blizzard is lack of sufficient precipitation. yeesh.

so yeah. i'm cold. the insulation at my work sucks. so i pinched a roots hoodie from my boss... but not to worry, i'll put it back. and none the worse for wear, promise promise. so shh, don't tell ;)

so may 4 i'll be making a guest appearance at Mama's Party. don't know what that is? look it up on facebook. the facebook group explains the concept pretty well. anyway, may 4 jon christie is booked as one of the featured artists, and he asked me to do a duet with him. so we're doing I'll Never Tell from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Once More, With Feeling. don't know it? youtube it. it's adorable. we practiced yesterday, and i'm pretty excited. it's gonna be so cute. it's really like the perfect song for his voice and mine, and i think we pull off the characters pretty well too ^_^

in other news, a guy i know from Big River suggested i inquire about a paid internship at a summer camp with the director and musical director of Big River. intriguing, at the least. It Dallas Young Artists or something like that.. i think i'm going to try to interview for Assistant Stage Manager. my tech experience is pretty limited, but it can't hurt to try, right? it sounds like a blast and it would look good on my resume... so yeah... i'm a-prayin about that. pray for me!

i'm looking at quotes from Sir Winston Churchill.... he said some good stuff. here's a few, because i feel like sharing them:

"From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put." [haha.]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."[no idea who he was talking about here, but i really lkike this statement.]

"I cannot pretend to feel impartial about colours. I rejoice with the brilliant ones and am genuinely sorry for the poor browns." [me too!]

"Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught." [ain't that the truth]

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time." [a wise ascertainment]

"Never give in--never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force; never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy." [i would endeavor to live by this advice]

yup. (i said that. not winston churchill)

<3

2009-03-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

been a little while...
man, so much has happened, alot has changed.. big things and small things, both. i don't know where to start.
Big River was a.mazing. i loved it. the show, the people, the experience... it was awesome. and, as predicted, i didnt sleep for pretty much the past month. i'm starting to get caught up though and develop some sort of regular sleeping pattern again :)

met alot of new people, made alot of new friends... made some pretty crucial decisions, got a couple still pending. i know, could i be any more vague? but guess what it's my blog so i can be vague if i want to! hah! :p

it's getting cold outside again... it was really nice for a while there, but now it's going back down to like 30 this weekend. gah.. ridiculous.

so there's this church in frisco, called Northstar Church. Blaine Bartel pastors it, and i mean i've known about it pretty much since it got started, but never really considered it a viable possibility as a home church because it's in frisco. but, now that i drive to plano pretty much every day anyway, frisco doesn't really seem like THAT big of a deal. lol. so i think i'm gonna go check it out. i'm off work next sunday, seems as good a time as any. all i know is i need me a strong foundation to plant myself and get a-growin', and there isn't really a church around here that fits. and i'm looking into moving closer to plano anyway, so i think this is a good thing for me to at least look into. anybody interested in tagging?

i want to start writing again. lyrics, poems, thoughts, scripts, videos.. something.

<3

so much going on

2009-02-16T05:02:00.000-08:00

man
there's so much happening with me right now... i guess i'll just start delving as things come to me

well, collin and i are taking a break. things have not been going so very well lately, and neither of us knows how to solve it. there are some things that he needs in a wife that he doesnt see in me right now, and there are some things that i need in a husband that i don't see in him. only God can grow these things in us, and there's no point in trying to change ourselves or eachother, so i'm not going to. If God has destined us to be together then we will be, i have no doubt. but the simple fact that i find myself using the word "if" is reason enough for me to call a whoa nelly and take a step back for a little while.
i think it'll be good for both of us. we're in two different places living two different lives right now and we both of us have plenty on our plates to focus on.

speaking of a plate filled to thanksgiving dinner proportions, i have just officially agreed to work crew on Collin County's upcoming production of "Big River". i'm so excited!! i've never worked crew before ^_^ so basically all of my evenings will now be occupied with rehearsals. add that to my work schedule and classes and lab hours i'm already working and suppose i can get some homework, eating and sleeping done in between and we're looking at anywhere from 17 to 20 hour days for the next month. i'm so excited!!!! oh man but when spring break rolls around you better believe i'll be ready for it. but until then, i'm totally psyched. i can feel myself going into workaholic mode already. i'll have to be careful though, i think. i've discovered that i can pretty much go without eating much or go without sleeping much. neither is healthy but for an allotted time period i'm obliged to consider them acceptable sacrifices. i've found though, that going without a sufficient amount of at least one of these for any more than 48 hours simply does not work, and results in an uncomfortable perpetual nausea. no bueno. so i'll have to be careful about that.

the other thing i'll have to be careful about is not letting my Word time slip. this will be both easier and harder... easier because every hour of my day will probably have to be planned and scheduled if i'm going to get things done so i'll have to schedule Word time. harder because i already know i'll be sorely tempted to spend that time snoozing.

some guy just came in to roots and asked something about a discount for recycled cups or whatever... gah. at this time of day i'm awake purely out of habit. and when i'm in that state and you throw something at me that's out of the routine, you get a deer-in-headlights look. it just happens. don't break my zombie functionality if you want good coffee.

there's more but this is already long and i gotta get back to work. tala.

oh yeah! got my ear pierced ^_^ it looks really good but still pretty sore. i'm not worried though, we had to put two different sized needles through like 6 times to get the piercing right and abuse my ear even more to get the earring in properly. so it might take a little longer to heal than your average piercing. but i'm so excited! i want one, maybe two more piercings in my ears and then i'm done putting holes in them. probably. anyway, there's a pic up on my facebook in my mobile uploads album. check it out :D

<3

absence makes the heart grow fonder... or forgetful

2009-02-14T21:50:00.000-08:00

There's a car that passes here
every day and it looks just like yours
there's a man that i see
on the street and he looks just like you
then the radio plays and all the songs
sound like ours but theyre not
they all just keep on their way

if absence makes the heart grow fonder
then why is it so hard to remember?

There's someone here who's nothing like you
and he looks my way when you're not around
the way i wish you would sometimes
and he smells nothing like the way you do
so i hold my breath until my cheeks turn blue
it's hurting us to be so far from you

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
but it's got nothing to do with life
nothing to do with love
so how do you face the truth
when it's staring you down from all sides
over your shoulder, on the left, on the right
which way is our next move?

the distance between us
it isn't just miles and it's getting farther
the longer we stay
it's turbulent and this only gets harder
we'll follow our hearts
to the end of the world but life gets in the way
it slows us down and holds us up
and baby it's okay. baby, it's okay.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder
but it's got nothing to do with life
nothing to do with love
so how do you face the truth
when it's staring you down from all sides
over your shoulder, on the left, on the right
it's make a step or fold

baby it'll be okay
some things are more important than us
maybe it won't be tonight
but we'll be together when the finish line comes
it'll be alright
some things are more important than us.

<3

discipline, structure, whip these kids into shape!

2009-02-09T04:27:00.000-08:00

so tiffanie and i are starting a new workout schedule. mon/wed/fri/sat, one hour a day, four days a week. this way she'll look hott for akon and i'll look hott for don juan in chicago auditions :p

but yeah. working out with someone else usually works out better. for one, you have to plan to do it ahead of time, make time for it and purpose to stick to the workout. then there's the accountability. if i just take the day off, tiffanie will know and give me crap about it
and i always go harder on myself when someone else is there. it's a competitive thing, i think. i'll be there to push her harder, and she'll be there to push me harder.. sortof :p

this saturday is valetines day :D
excitement anyone??

oh yeah. and i'm putting another piercing in my right ear. this one's gonna be pretty cool. i was going to have it done yesterday, but just as i was about to have sarah do it my mom was like "oh you should have told me, i would have brought you some local anesthetic" ehh?? so i put it off until tomorrow. honestly, what's another couple of days when i have the option of having abolutely no feeling in my ear while a 22g hole is punched through it? mostlyi'm just being a baby because the last piercing i got was in a very sensitive spot and it hurt rather bad. this piercing i doubt will be nearly as sensititive but it is in a somewhat unusual part of the cartilage, so it can't hurt to be cautious. lol

<3

songs of the season

2009-02-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

man
some pretty good songs out that i've stumbled across lately

taylor swift's "love story", while quite mainstream, is an exceptional song. i really enjoy it

"lucky", a duet with colbie callait. it's pretty good too

also, the tribute song "Gran Torino" .... youtube it. it's good.

there's another one i'm leaving out. i guess if and when i recall i'll come back and add it in.

<3

escape by the sea

2009-02-08T06:36:00.000-08:00

sitting on the water's edge, watching
as the sky turns to soft rose
and sets itself ablaze

and the wind blows straight through me
my hair, my clothes, the spaces between my toes
the crashing of the waves drowns everything out.

the city is behind me
and for this moment
all i have to see is water, and sky

the sun and the wind battle for me
the wind keeps me cold and restless
the sun keeps me burning

where is the adventure to my fairytale?
how did i get the ending without the story
there is the destination, but where is the journey?

I've been here before
and ran away then
do i run away now?

am i the wave that crashes and recedes
changing, bubbling
splashing innocent bystanders

Or am i the rocks on the shore
constant in spite of the weather
watching in stillness as life happens around me

i am neither

i am the girl sitting above them both
losing herself amidst them both
shivering into the sunglow on her face

i am the girl whose hair flies with the sea breeze
who writes songs to sing to the tides
and at the end of the day returns to her life

no escape is forever
every sunset fades to dusk
every golden glow fades to a pale silver

and every girl who watches must still live her life

but there is always another water's edge
another sunset to warm her feet
and breeze to steal away her thoughts
before the world comes unbound.

<3

he wants to try the roulette

2009-02-07T19:44:00.000-08:00

i'm watching rain man
it's interesting

tom cruise's girlfriend just kissed dustin hoffman
beautiful moment :p

butting heads

2009-01-27T19:12:00.000-08:00

i hate fighting

it's so stupid
especially when i'm irritated
i seem to be in that state lately.

this is so stupid.. why are we fighting.. i was excited.. now i'm not.. it's like a large hostile blob looming above/between us.. very very not cool.. and i havent the slightest idea of how to go about fixing it.

that is what i'm thinking just now.

<3

rat-a-tat-tat

2009-01-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

so i've decided. officially. i'm going to get a tattoo.

you may or may not know that for some time i've had the inclination to get tattooed, and have 4 specifically designed and designated locations for them. if i did get tattoos, it would be these four in these places. the first is the phonetic spelling of "passion" over an outline of flames. perhaps soon i will upload a picture of it. it's going on my left shoulder blade. the next is a small Christian fish (dont remember the greek name for it), to go on my right palm. the next is a design which symbolizes love, the four different types and especially God's love and how it changed and inspires my life. it's difficult to explain what it looks like, perhaps i will upload a picture of that also. it's to go somewhere in the vicinity of my right hip. the fourth i haven't actually designed yet, but it will symbolize truth and go on my right calf.

the first of these is the one i've decided to get. it's a symbol of passion, of passionate living, of whole-heartedness, 100% commitments, etc. something that's very important in my life. i would rather not do something than so it half-way. i would rather be fully devoted to what i believe than hold my faith passively. life is not life which is not lived. eh? this i find exceptionally well expressed in this particular tattoo. and, it's a constant challenge to myself to follow God with everything i have, to go all-in, and to be totally real in everything i do and say.

:D
i'm excited ^_^

<3

goings on

2009-01-22T19:00:00.000-08:00

well
every time i try to post i end up going off on something i didnt mean to go off on
and then i erase the whole thing because i dont want to post my directionless thoughts

but by then i'm tired of typing and don't know where to start over

so i'm sorry, no actual post yet. hopefully soon.

update: i've been working full-time.. just got my hours adjusted so i'll be working a regular schedule which should make my life a bit easier
i've been trying not to stress about financial issues pertaining to university. it's hard.
i've been watching gilmore girls quite a bit... it's becoming an addiction again though, so either i learn to balance it or i quit again.
my boyfriend is wonderful... in case you didn't already know
i'm praying about a couple of different things.. sortof. more like i've mentioned them to God with the intention of setting aside time to actually pray it out and listen to what He has to say. i have no excuse for my procrastination.
my sister wants to take the dog when she moves out. i dont want her to. i'll miss my bear dog.
i cut my hair again, but just a trim. it looks shorter, though, and i can't wait for it to really grow out. no more cutting until at least the summer.
i'm so excited i get paid tomorrow and i get to give my tithe :D

that's enough update. goodnight guys.

tricksy

2009-01-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

in service tonight we sang a worship sort of song that struck a major chord with me. (or was it a harmonic minor? hrmm) i've heard and sung this song dozens of times, and meant every word of what i was saying/singing, and yet tonight as we were singing it and i listened and read the words on the screen, i realized just how counterproductive those words were. they were all but crippling to a Christian walking out her life in faith and all but dismissive of everything God's already done and given us and said to us. now, i know that the heart behind these lyrics is pure and it's not meant to be deceitful or a misrepresentation of God or anything like that. on the one hand that's a seemingly redemptive quality. on the other hand, that makes it all the more dangerous. we're in a time now where ignorance is neither acceptable nor dismissable in the body of Christ. and a large reason why we're still preaching "repent and make things right with God" sermons to Christians who have been saved for years and should be far beyond such "spiritual milk" is that we keep allowing subtle fallacies and unproductive prayers to infiltrate our speech and our worship, and consequently or attitudes and mindsets. The song is called "Give Us Clean Hands"..
now, don't leave me unfriendly comments if that's your favorite praise and worship song. first of all, it's not really praise or worship, and second, it's full of unthinking and unbiblical phrases. "give us clean hands, give us pure hearts"... Jesus did that, remember? "let us not lift our sould to another" ..that's not God's job. He told us to not lift our souls to another, and then gave us the choice to obey. stop trying to make your decisions God's responsibility. now i know you're going to next say that that line is really meant to express "i don't want to lift my soul to another" .. well then, say that. saying things other than what we mean in an effort to convey what we mean is stupid and counterproductive, and it's gotten my generation into alot of trouble.
"God let us be a generation that seeks Your face, oh God of Jacob" .. again, not God's respnsibility He's already proven that He desires us to seek His face, and given us the means to do so. Stop trying to say "I want this to be a generation that seeks your face, God of Jacob" and start declaring it, and making it happen. and stop letting words deceive you just because they happen to be presented with a catchy melody.

anyway.. i didnt mean to go into all that, but now that i have i think it's good. this is what i wrote during the service when i first was talking to God about this:

How erroneous, the songs we sing
and we never even knew

with our own words, we keep ourselves shut up
trapped below a enfeebling ceiling

why O Lord do we continue to ask
for that which we've already been given?
why do we ask that You allow us
to be that which You's commanded us to be?

Why do we beg You
to assume that which You've given us the power over?

Why do we ask for help
in the things we should not be trying to do at all,
the things which are not our role,
with the intention in our hearts that You should carry us the distance?

How oblivious we can be!
not to see that this would cripple us -
not to see that we cannot leave room for our own credit
and expect Your glory

How deceptive our words have become!
Lord, open our eyes to all that we call to pass
Amen.

<3

Long Overdue

2008-12-18T16:32:00.000-08:00

alright
so.. i should have blogged about recent happenings long before now. i just haven't found the opportunity, lol.

so let's see. when last you heard from me, i was single, still in finals, stressed about school and work (i didn't talk about that much), planning a roadtrip for january, and not nearly close to being finished with my Christmas shopping. let me set you straight.
first of all, i'm not single anymore ^_^. The most wonderful man in the world, who by God's grace has somehow fallen in love with me, my best friend, Collin Bragdon, is no longer just my best friend. Call him what you want, my boyfriend, my honey, my beau, my beloved, my man ^_^ ... the key word there is my. as some of you may or may not know,we've known eachother for about 2 and a half years, give or take alittle. and we've been "talking"... getting to know eachother, spending time together, and most importantly praying about eachother for about a year and a half. about a year ago, i knew for sure that i was his girl and that only God could possibly make this relationship happen. lol. and about six months ago we talked about it, confirmed that we were both on the same page and had heard the same things from God, but it wasn't the right time yet for us to move forward with the relationship. and THEN, sunday night... change of story.

so it's Collin's first week back in town for the holidays, right. naturally, sunday night we went to The Deep 20's ministries. after the deep, it's generally the practice to go out to eat somewhere all together. Collin very early suggested ihop, which i thought nothing of. it didnt matter because in the end he was overruled in favor of going to buffalo wild wings to watch the cowboys game. we ate... and by we i mean eveyone but collin and joel. everytime i offered collin food he declined. said he felt like he might throw up. this i also thought nothing of, other than concern. a few times while we were there he got up to go talk to someone from the staff... this i found EXTREMELY suspiscious. especially since he gestured toward our table while talking. so i knew he was scheming. i thought he was going to tell them it was my birthday and have them do their make-a-really-big-deal-about-it thing. i was mistaken.
so the game ended, people started leaving, things quieted a little. i didnt notice joel slipping outside to retrieve something from his car :/
next thing i know, collin's asking for everyone's attention to say, "Excuse me everyone. as some of you may or may not know, this lady and myself have been in a relationship for some time now. But now the time has come to take our relationship to the next level. Rebekah Michaele Melillo, will you enter into a courtship with me that will last until our marriage?" and he hands me a rose.
At this point i'm not sure whether i was laughing or crying from embarrassment. i am very sure that my face was the same color as the rose, and all i could say was "yes." followed by applause and "awww"s from around the table. turns out he had had breakfast with my dad that morning, my dad gladly gave his consent (and why wouldnt he?) and they had a nice long chat about everything but the weather. (i dont actually know if they tlaked about the weather.)

and so begin's Collin and mine's courtship. we get to learn to share our lives with eachother, to do life together. I'm so excited!!!
we also had our first date last night, but i don't have the stamina to tell about that today... another time.

in other news, i survived my finals, and my lighting project, and got my grades back for the semester. turns out i made 2 B's. one in govt and one in Lighting. the govt i can understand. i only gave about 90% in that class, and i missed some online work. totally my fault. but Lighting?? i'm very upset about that. i worked my tail off in that class to learn what mt prof was supposed to be teaching me. and i got a B. VERY uncool.
so i was disappointed. i mean, this is the first time i've gotten a B since at least middle school. but i'll get over it. my life is far from ruined :D

i was also stressed about work, because i was getting miniscule hours. i'm full time now though, and making happy money :)

finished my Christmas shopping yesterday... but i have to go back because the last thing that i bought (incidentally, collin's present ^_^ i'd tell you what it is because i'm so excited but he tends to read this blog often, so i wont. you'll find out after Christmas.. Eve.) i brought home only to find that it has a broken part. argh. so i have to take it back to whence it came from and have it fixed asap.

and yes, I was planning a roadtrip in january, to alabama to visit some old friends and check out Legacy Church (potential career-starting job op). Collin and I have been wanting to go, and the details worked out so nicely in January, except that no one else could go, and Collin and I can't go by ourselves, for accountability and appearance purposes. yarr. so it's been postponed. i feel bad for flaking on Pastor Chris, but there's not really anything i can do. *shrug*

*sigh*
God is so stinkin awesome. everytime i turn around He's blessing my socks off and i'm just totally overwhelmed (in a good way.) Thank You, Lord!
What has He done for you today?

<3

almost... done...

2008-12-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

one final down, 3-and-a-half to go! i say three and a half because the fourth one is actually a final project that i am SO CLOSE to being finished with. i really should have finished it last night, but apparently i lack the ability to diligently work on schoolwork at home. it's so much easier to watch House :p
so i'm going to enjoy my cup of powder-mix chai, finish this blog, then i'm going to go spend some time with the Lord and we're gonna jam to some michael w. smith and talk about some stuff, and then i'm gonna go over my government stuff for my exam today at 4, finish my research paper final draft (mostly i'm reprinting the rough draft... go me) and my other little english "lab" assignments (i've got like 6 to go..) and look over the prompt for the final exam tonight at 7. i ought to do some studying for the physics exam tomorrow too, but only if there's extra time leftover. i still have to print some stuff out, select color samples, and draw up a magic sheet for my stage lighting project, also due tomorrow. so as you can see, i'm pretty much booked for the day. but after tomorrow, i'm home free!!

*sigh*
alright, the Michael W. Smith Christmas concert. it was awesome. i love Christmas music, i love MWS' work, so i knew going in it was a good review waiting to happen. i'd never seen him live before this... just heard his music and loved it, especially the compositions. you know what's wayy better than his compositions? his heart for worship. seriously, his heart and his realness are what impressed me the most. he plays in "professional" venues like the Meyerson, but no matter where he is or who his audience is, he's not ashamed and he doesnt hold back on the gospel of Christ. i want to be like that. i left that concert not wanting it to end because it was so much fun, but also sortof wishing that i could just jump on the bus and go with them. i would so love to be doing that.. traveling, sharing the gospel, acting out my passions for the glory of Christ like they are... but for the time being i'm stuck here, working toward that true enough, but so often it feels like i'm not moving at all. just wasting precious time. anyway. we were driving away and i said to my mom "i really want to go hang out with michael w smith now" in an effort to express what i was feeling, and she says, "you and a thousand other people" .. that made me feel kinda small. but i know what she meant.
i was a little saddened that i couldnt meet him after the show or get him to sign my purse, but thats how things work in a more "sophisticated" venue like the meyerson. i'll just have to go to another show ;)

alright alright.. i gave the promised mws details... now i have to get to work. yarr.

<3

taking a break

2008-12-02T17:41:00.000-08:00

yeah... its been awhile. holidays, parties, and finals. what do you want from me? i'm taking a break from school work for a bit though... so i thought i'd better post before i just get so ridiculously behind that i can't even manage to get it all into a blog post. lol.

ok, so i totally spaced on the thanksgiving post. i think i'm gonna do it sometime that's not thanksgiving... it's healthier when it's not contrived.
it's officially Christmas season now, and i'm totally excited!! but before i get too carried away with that, i think i better tell you about my ridiculous weekend.

alright, let's start with wednesday, the official beginning of my thanksgiving weekend. i helped clean the house a bit, did absolutely no schoolwork, and then went to work. i worked for awhile, nothing really entertaining happened. UNTIL i was pleasantly surprised when none other than my superman (ok.. he doesnt exactly belong to me. i suppose as long as that's the case i'd better use his first name, huh?) so collin shows up unexpectedly, and we end up joining the old "gang" from paradigm for some good ol' timin' applebees. twas good times. it was really good to see everybody. then we stopped by andi's to hang out with my other "gang" from high school... more good times and memories were shared. once again, good to see everyone. i freaking love/miss/love andrea sanders. yeah. pretty much.
thursday was thanksgiving... mom cooked, cass and billy came over, we cleaned, sean and april (bro and sis-in-law)n and april's sister amber came down from tulsa, and much food and a good time was had by all. yay ^_^
i went to bed early that night, as i had to get up at THREE AM the next morning to be at work at 4 to open the coffee shop at 4:30 for Black Friday. which was, after all of that hullabaloo, a flop. nobody came. not one customer claimed their free shots. lol. so i left work early to come home and crash for an hour, then commence with "decorating" (we didnt really get much decorating done friday) tiffanie and collin came over and hung out, watched a movie, etc. etc. had some good time with the fam. i love my family.
saturday the real party preparations began... and let me tell you, by the time we were done with it the house looked great, inside and out. we almost exhausted ourselves (especially mom. that woman is a machine) by the time the party even started. so 7:00 rolls around and the early partiers start showing up.. mom and i go primp ourselves, and before you know it the house is crowded and the party is in motion. lol. most everybody said they liked the party.. in my opinion if you didnt have fun it's probably because you were too boring to go strike up a conversation with one of the 50 thousand people there (ok, there werent that many). lots of food was also available for stuffing one's face. thanks so much to everyone who came and those of you who didnt get to (you were missed!)
sunday we were all too pooped to do anything. cass and billy and sean and april and amber went home, and the rest of us were left as witnesses to the aftermath of the weekend. lol. needless to say, no cleaning was done. actually, not much of anything was really done.
monday was back to school and back to work, and just about time for stress over my stage lighting projectto kick in. i got a good portion of that done today though and at least know what i'm doing and am confident that i'll pass with a decent grade, so i'm feeling much better :) seriously though.. stressing out is exhausting and detrimental to the body. i most certainly do not recommend it.
the rest of the week passed in much the same fashion.. today was the last day of class for the semester and i have finals monady, tuesday and wednesday of next week. pray for me!

oh! and wednesday i took my mom to that concert for her birthday. it was a great show, but it deserves more detail than i can really go into right now, so i'll save that for another post.
...whew! goodnight!

<3